Lada

2008: A Tunnel at the End of All of These Lights

2008-09-22T02:49:00.007-04:00

Testing…1,2…check, check…1,2,3

Is this thing on?

(Clearing of throat) Well hello faithful readers. How are you? Some time has passed since we last touched base. I take full responsibility for that as things got pretty funky for me for a bit and I wasn’t really in a writing sort of mood. But I am here now, and if Kanye West is to be believed, I must be stronger because I’m not dead yet.

Look, I live a pretty peachy life; whether you call it luck, a blessing, or good karma, things just tend to go my way a lot. The only hitch is what my father refers to as the Ten Year Curse. It seems I have inherited his unfortunate habit of living nine really great, lucky years and then having one year that is just shit. And in case you missed it: 2008 is my shit year (1998, also bad).
Unfortunately, I haven’t handled it as gracefully as I could have; which means I wasn't handling it at all. I was steadfastly pretending that nothing was even wrong (I had a good view of the pyramids and water up to my knees I was so far in da Nile). I kept super busy with travel, baseball, alcohol by the pool, fluffy summer novels, mastering the Rubik's Cube, playing with boys, and four whole seasons of Weeds on DVD. Basically I was trying to keep busy so I could avoid thinking and continue the whole denial game I was playing with myself. (This is also why I have not written anything of late. Writing would have required that I spend some time analyzing the thoughts that I was trying so hard to ignore.) Just picture me with my fingers in my ears going, "La, la, la...I can't hear you."

Long story short: bottom has been hit, light at the end of the tunnel, back with a vengeance, etc.
Sorry to those I have been ignoring and to those I made worry. All is not completely well today, but it will be soon (just get me safely out of 2008 and into 2009, please!). I have a plan for my life going forward. It isn’t fleshed out very well yet, but it’s a good, solid, two-step plan:

1. Move back to the city I love.
2. Go back to school and find a career I will love.

Piece of cake, right? Two steps to achieve lifelong happiness (or at least happiness until 2018…). I also owe lots of thanks to those who have been patiently putting up with the messy me. You all know who you are. Love.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #46:
Do scuba dive.
Don't use pointless precision.

- lada has to stopped looking at the snapshots of her life and is now focusing on the movie

P.S. I apologize in advance to Sweet Lou, DeRo, Geo, The Riot, Big Z, et al. in case my unlucky 2008 blows it for the entire North Side.

Beautiful Things (Life, Scenery, and Anniversaries)

2008-06-30T11:30:00.019-04:00

Don’t mind me. I just needed to take a break for a couple of weeks to get my head straight. Now, I am back and I am bitchin'.
I have decided a couple months off work is exactly what I need (so if anyone wants to make plans this summer, my schedule is pretty open - and you know I am always up for some madcap adventures). My severance package is not half bad and, combined with the cash I have tucked away in the bank, I think I am able to enjoy not working for a bit and just focus on travel, baseball, and the S.o.E. instead.
Anyway, you and I have many things to discuss, fair reader but for now I am going to just leave you with a couple spectacular snapshots that Karen and I took last week.

This was at Wrigley Field on Karen's birthday - it was the most amazing double rainbow. (And of course it was only more beautiful when the Cubbies swept the Sox that night.)

One late night/early morning we broke a couple laws and snuck onto the beach to watch the sunrise. True, we were a bit toasted (and had to do some mad dashing to avoid being seen by the authorities...) but still, fantastic views. The first is me trying to hold in a drunken giggle fit with the moon and the skyline behind me. The second is Karen watching the sunrise over Lake Michigan.

Also, a completely random side note: yesterday was the ten year anniversary of the first time I ever... well... er... my "first time." Yup. And let me tell you it has been a fantastically fun decade. Here's to many more years of "fun."

So, in summary - who needs a job when there is all sorts of beautiful life to live? Cheers!

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #45:
Do dine and dash from a fancy restaurant.
Don't say, "It could be worse."

- Life is both a major and a minor key; lada will open up the chord

Bread Loser

2008-06-15T16:18:00.006-04:00

Not a whole lot to say right now but I will offer this observation: getting divorced, moving to a new state alone, and now getting laid off are too many major life changes for this girl to comfortably squeeze into a short five month period of time.

But hey, now that I don't have a job I am available to watch the Cubs everyday. And drink. And catch up on my reading. And drink. And sit by the pool. And drink.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #44:
Do attend a film premiere.
Don't forget what’s in your freezer.

- lada is shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Raw Bars and Ranges (S.o.E.)

2008-06-02T19:27:00.007-04:00

First Oysters
Ever since I moved to the coast I have wanted to try oysters but I had heard horror stories about getting sick from a bad batch, so I was leery. Well, the first meal of oysters was a success. There was hot sauce, garlic butter, crackers, and some oddly tiny silverware involved, but no puking! They were steamed though, and I still want to try the raw ones at some point, in all their snot-textured glory (and mussels are on the menu for next week).
Also, I now know whether oysters are an aphrodisiac or not.

First Gun Play
Somehow, despite the fact that my father was a Major in the United States Marines, I had never fired a weapon; so, my friend ML took me to a shooting range on Thursday to shoot things. And, hell yes, guns are freaking cool.
The first time you pull the trigger it is pretty scary but after that it’s an absolute blast. We shot a 9 mm and a 40 caliber (yes, we were wearing protection for our eyes and ears). Apparently all those hours of Duck Hunt paid off because, to be totally honest, I am a pretty decent shot. I did have to try and learn how to aim with both eyes open - when I was a kid playing with the old plastic Nintendo gun, I would close one eye to make aiming easier, so that was my same instinct/habit to do with the real metal guns. But, as my teacher for the day, ML, so eloquently put it: "If you are shooting shit that is trying to hurt you, you need to be able to see it coming at you from both sides. That is hard to do if you only have one eye open." Touché.

On the drive home from the range I saw a black SUV with “Davidson County Crime Scene Investigation” marked on the side. As I drove past them, I felt the bizarre urge to hold up my hand and yell at them to test me for gun shot residue. (It would have been positive! Gasp! How cool!) Luckily, I realize how dumb I am and can ignore most of these stupid impulses.

I brought home my target and it is hanging on my wall (I marked the shots for you in red because they were a little tough to see in the picture). I still want to shoot a shotgun someday; there is something about that massive bruise it leaves on the shoulder that is a badge of honor I still need to acquire. Hopefully I can do that with my dad in Tennessee in August. And speaking of Daddy, this is the conversation we had:

LADA: I am no longer a gun virgin!
DAD: Wow, did it hurt?
LADA: Ha! I can’t believe you just said that.
DAD: Congrats on your first time on the range, my steely eyed pistoleer. Cannot wait to see the pic of the target.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #43:
Do throw a dart into a map and travel to where it lands.
Don't forget who the real Batman is.

- lada goes where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases her blues away

A More Jovial Mood

2008-05-18T17:34:00.004-04:00

Wow, I got a lot of emails about the last fight post, all of them angry, lecturing, or just plain condescending. Sorry to upset you kind readers.
So, in an effort to lighten the mood here at lada land a bit, a joke:

Hillary Clinton and John McCain are stuck in a life boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Who is saved?

...

...

America!
Ha!

Wait, I suppose a political joke might make more people angry. Don't email me angry people.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #42:
Do be friends with your ex.
Don't wait idly.

- lada goes fish

The First Fight (S.o.E.)

2008-05-14T08:59:00.006-04:00

I am absolutely ridiculous.
(That is going to be the only intelligent sentence in this entire post. I give you fair warning.)

I have never been in a fight. I have never taken a punch, nor thrown one, and I have often wondered what it feels like to take a swing at someone’s face. Well, this being the Summer of Experiences, I decided to find out.

A couple of my most bad-ass, guy friends took me out the other night with one goal in mind: bar fight. (Well, two goals actually, the first goal was to drink beer, which was kind of necessary if we were going to accomplish the second goal: bar fight.) We headed to this dive bar in a poorly lit strip mall, ordered a round, and settled in for the night to see what would happen. An hour or so after arriving, my friend Chip found a perfect target - a complete tool of a guy wearing a cowboy hat, designer fashionably-ripped jeans, pointy toe boots, and overpowering cologne.

Over the next several hours (as I was trying to build up some liquid courage) my two friends laid a pretty good pre-fight foundation. They made fun of the guy about his hat, talked a lot of shit over a couple games of pool, and in general, got the guy pretty ticked off at us. At one point, Cowboy started bitching and Chip said to him, “Quit whining and take your skirt off.”
The target was primed.

The end of the night found all of us out on the bar’s patio. It was late and I figured that it was about time things went down; I had Abe* on my left and Chip on my right and we were ready. I started talking and being rather snotty to Cowboy and he told me I should go back to New York where I came from. I decided to blow this comment way out of proportion and started yelling in his face about not being from New York. Did I look like I was from New York? Did I fucking sound like I was from New York? Shut your filthy mouth about me being from New York, asshole! (Since I am clearly not from the South, New York would normally be a legitimate and inoffensive guess, but hey, I was trying to pick a fight.)

So Cowboy did not appreciate my excessive yelling; he was pissed and told me he was going to pour his beer on my head. I responded by putting a cigarette out on the leg of his fancy jeans. He stood then, got right up in my face (I’m going to guess about 6’2” to my impressive 5’6”), and continued to make threatening noises. At that point, my good friend Chip stepped forward. He gave me this long look followed by a condescending pat on the back to calm me down, and then he took my beer away from me. The Cowboy completely forgotten, I rounded on Chip. How dare he - after all of our planning, after all of my nervousness, after all the how-to-throw-a-decent-punch-and-not-break-your-hand lessons, after I had made a fool of myself in front of a lot of people by yelling nonsense about not being from New York – now that we were a hairsbreadth away from actually throwing down, he was going to take my beer (implying that I had had too much to drink) and give me a soothing pat on the back! I ignored the Cowboy, called Chip an asshole, spun on my heel, and left.

Well, for those of you who know guy code, you probably realize what an idiot I am. For those who don’t know the code, I will explain what took me about an hour and a couple late night angry/confused/apologetic conversations to fully understand:

1. The long look he gave me meant, “You can do this!” not, “Behave yourself.”
2. The pat on my shoulder was not to calm me down, it was meant as encouragement. It said, “We are here and we’ve got your back.”
3. The taking of my beer was not to imply that I had had enough to drink, it was to free up my hand so I could more easily swing.

Damn. After all that, I gave up a golden opportunity to check “get into a fight” off my list of things to do during this Summer of Experiences, and all because of some misinterpreted pre-fight signals. Is there a “Man Code for Dummies” book out there that I can study? It was a hell of an interesting evening nonetheless, I just sometimes I wish I weren’t such a dumb, frightened girl.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #41:
Do go to a shooting range and actually hit the target.
Don't make tuna salad with mayonnaise.

- lada is so hot, she will make you sexist

*a.k.a. Surfer Boy

Mommie

2008-05-11T14:19:00.006-04:00

There have been a lot of beautiful things written about mothers – they have been eloquent, poetic, profound and touching. I am not even going to try and compete with what others have already written so well. I will just say, this is why I love you:

The Beatles / the greatest Halloween costumes ever / row-butt / cross-stitching / the drives to Cincinnati / My Fair Lady / Joseph / The Lion King / Cats / Les Misérables / Wicked / The Nutcracker / The Blue Man Group / Second City / poodle skirts and fuzzy white coats / burnt Thanksgiving turkeys / "Hay is for horses, we all know that, but Karen can't remember 'cause her brain is flat!" / the organ, the accordion, and the xylophone / I am Sam and smeared mascara / shoes and more shoes / the night I found out Santa wasn’t real / Trivial Pursuits / daily trips to John’s Apple Market / The infamous story of the iron that was not actually left on / The Dark Crystal / thrift store shopping / boyfriends and the Chili’s curse / "We love you DiAnne, oh yes we do, we don’t love anyone as much as you" / the weekend cleaning list / Sheryl Crow / Travis / Eric Clapton / Paul McCartney / The Wombles! / Fam-damn-ly / cold pork chops / "We loved you enough to let you go even though we couldn’t, as parents, actually let you go" / Nightmare before Christmas / Sundays at the cathedral / painting our nails / crabapple bread from the tree in the backyard / black cars, black cat, black clothes / writing thank you notes 101 / boo bear and boober fraggle / "You should just see if they will give you a deal for a second car…"/ unicorns on the curtains / King’s Island / The Book of Bedtime Stories (and the traveling doughnut) / an awesome Mental Health Day starring James and the Giant Peach / St. Nick stockings / the first day of school / John Lennon onesies / earmuffs...

There are countless more. And countless more to come.

Happy Mother's Day to the women who is truly a saint.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #40:
Do get a free upgrade on a plane.
Don’t expect all art to be pretty.

- lada will meet the Letter People; lada will visit the family

¿Qué?

2008-05-05T10:18:00.005-04:00

Es otro Cinco de Mayo...
(La clase de la lengua en Perú no es hasta Junio, tan éste va a ser corto y dulce.)

Quiero dar las gracias a todos mis amigos y familia (y los muchachos) que me han ayudado últimamente. He sido egoísta y molesto y soy agradecido para su comprensión y paciencia. Yo corazón usted quien hacen mi vida hermosa.

¡Salud!

101 Cosas que hacer (o no) antes de morir - #39:
Vaya a las razas de perros.
No deja una batería de coche muerta ser una inconveniencia.

- lada prefiere la torta encima muerte

Go Forth and Pipe

2008-04-28T07:15:00.002-04:00

I need to meet the owner of this car.

Thanks for taking the pictures, Cage - the answer to your question is no one else, and that is why I love you so.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #38:
Do see wild animals in the wild.
Don’t be a passive spectator.

- lada is a recovering Catholic

Sprung

2008-04-21T18:14:00.003-04:00

Spring is in the air
Change is blowing her breath on my face
And though the sharp tangs of frost still linger
Her scent is sweet and I want to kiss her

Spring is in the air
The sun is shining down its promises:
Ever more daybreaks and chances anew
I keep breathing and will toast to the dawn’s blushing hue

Spring is in the air
Love’s possibilities are hypnotizing
With their honeyed tastes of what could yet be
But for memories of old hurt and my timidity

Spring is in the air
I try to find footing on fresh, untried legs
My instincts alone I must follow
I will stumble and yet, will walk tomorrow

- lada doesn’t like candles because they make her see the light

Mars, Venus, and T9

2008-04-16T14:08:00.003-04:00

Two very different text conversations I had this week. I found both to be odd and yet, rather amusing.

Welcome to the Boys' Club:
DCM: I'm throwing myself back out there. Scholarly bachelordom is overrated.
LADA: Your commitment to scholarly bachelordom only lasted three days
DCM: It's in indefinite status. I reserve the right to resume on short notice.
LADA: Are scholars allowed to be so wishy-washy with their scholarly pursuits?
DCM: Are you naming me a dilettante? For shame! I will maintain my pursuits; I'm simply adding other, more prurient interests.
DCM: The quest for companionship does not preclude "to thine own self be true."
LADA: Said interests can always be used as research for you to write the next great American love story (à la your new favorite novel, A Farewell to Arms) once you have reverted back to your typically antisocial ways.
LADA: Did you meet someone to instigate this change of heart?
DCM: Not yet. Just trying to be more social.
LADA: Well, go get 'em tiger (hearty slap on the back). The ladies better watch out! You old devil, you (fake jab to the chin).
DCM: ...
LADA: What? Is that not how bachelors talk to each other now? I guess I need to brush-up on my lingo...
LADA: Play on, playa! 'Dem bitches be scared of what white boy gonna give 'em from behind, yo! (doing the "Superman" dance)
LADA: Better?
DCM: I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Welcome to the Girls' Club:

WORRIED S.: Dear Period - I know that my womb is a sick place to hang out. But OB is throwing an off the wall party in my vagina! It's gonna be tight! Hope you drop by... -- S.

PERIOD: Dear S. - Sorry I'm late, but I'm so there! Holla! P.S. YOU'RE NOT PREGGERS! Love always, P

WORRIED S.: Dear Period - A week is pretty freaking late! I was starting to worry that one of those nasty little womb demons had kidnapped you! But I'm glad you finally made it! -- S.

PERIOD: Dear S. - My bad on the tardiness. I just got the vibe over the years that you really didn't look forward to my visits. It is nice to feel wanted again! Love always, P

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #37:

Do make fire without matches.

Don't think of Paul Winchell as just a ventriloquist.

- lada is deep like a cemetery

S.o.E.

2008-04-14T09:58:00.007-04:00

This summer is now officially titled The Summer of Experiences.
I am going to try my hardest to be open to all kinds of new and different things that come my way (except bread pudding – never the bread pudding). I know it is a little early to be declaring it summer since it is only April, but summer officially began for me with the start of baseball season. And conveniently enough, baseball was actually my first new adventure in this Summer of Experiences:

1. Attend Cubs' opening day game.

Now if only I can add "see the Cubs win the World Series" to my list by the end of this summer.

My second new experience happened a couple days ago and, wow, it is exciting. (Drum roll, please)

2. Eat a pickle.

That’s right kids, I had never before had a pickle. Truthfully, I can’t stand even being close enough to smell them, let alone ever put one in my mouth. But, the opportunity presented itself the other night while I was out with friends in Raleigh, and in the true spirit of The Summer of Experiences, I ate a slice. I chewed it up, swallowed, and then drank half of my beer* in an effort to wash away the flavor. It was disgusting.

3. Write poetry

Though this isn’t a completely new experience, writing verse is not something I would ever normally do of my own volition. But I was told to write one, so I gave it a shot. I have been working on a particular poem for a several days now, and that one I will post when it is done; but in the meantime, you can have the first verse (the other three verses are just drivel) of this other one that popped into my head while I was driving yesterday afternoon.

Blister in the Moon

I still have the blister on my heel
That I earned the last time we walked
Every time it rubs, every time it hurts
It reminds me of you and I sulk

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #36:
Do visit every country (or at least every continent).
Don't spend your loose change.

- parsley, sage, rosemary, and lada*

*You love that Oxford comma don't you, Karen?

Dad In Real Life

2008-04-12T12:52:00.009-04:00

To: lada
From: Dad
Subject: Updated Application

Hi daughter,
Since sooner or later you will be back in the dating game, I wanted to get you the current application. I am not as fast as I used to be, so make sure they submitt the app. at least a week ahead of time. I am not as fast as I used to be, so 50 words means 50 words. Finally, I am not as fast as I used to be, so I have decided to skip the baseball bat and go directly to firearms.
All My Love,
Daddy

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________ _________ _________ DATE OF BIRTH_______ ______

HEIGHT______ _____ WEIGHT______ ______ IQ__________ GPA_________ ____

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ ______ DRIVERS LICENSE #___________ _____

MILITARY RANK AND MEDALS______ _________ ________ _________

HOME ADDRESS_____ _________ _________ CITY/STATE__ _________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

Number of years they have been married ____________ _________ _________

If less than your age, explain
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

How often you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ____________ _

Mother? ____________ _

Pastor? ____________ _

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________ _________ ______

_ ___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________ ______

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Mother's Signature/Father's Signature

____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #35:
Do play a part in your favorite TV show.
Don't buy fake wood furniture.

- lada is running like a watercolor in the rain

Black Velvet, If You Please

2008-04-12T12:02:00.010-04:00

If you have had a drink with me in the past few months, there is a very good possibility that I asked you this question. And now I have my answer.

To: lada
From: Consumer Care, Guinness
Subject: RE: Green Guinness?

Dear Ms. Lada,

Thank you for taking time to contact Guinness. Your feedback is important to us.

We are proud to inform you that Guinness cans and bottles are all recyclable without removing the widget.

Once again, thank you for contacting Guinness.

Sincerely,
Scott Alcorn
Guinness Consumer Representative

Cheers!
Drinking Responsibly is Brilliant!!

- the law enforcement's impressed lada's survived to this age

That Which We Call A Rose...

2008-04-06T16:19:00.015-04:00

As you faithful readers know, the Urban Dictionary is one of my most favorite websites. Look up any random word or phrase and I guarantee their definition is good for a laugh.

Today's Assignment: "What's in a name?"
Go check out the urban definition of you.

Coz:
1. (v) To copy someone else's work and get higher scores than the person you copied it from.
2. (n) A guy that likes to take advantage of drunk juvenile girls.

D:
1. (n) Pagan god in the shady country of Argentina. Most easily recognizable by its huge (read: hypnotic) smile and his devilish hugs which can convert even the most dedicated catholic into a pagan.

First Husband:
1. (n) Ancient Greek translation for "eternal sex-god." It is believed that anyone that holds this name has a great level of skill and ability to perform sexual acts for long periods of time. Men possessing this name are also well endowed.*

Heed:
1. (v) To be pale and to smoke the crack

K-rock:
1. (n) A douchebag
2. (n) A person who deserves to be punched in the liver and pushed into a water fountain.

lada:
1. (n) A drink consisting of vodka, Malibu and lemonade, aptly named because “it makes you sick.”
2. (v) The act of spilling a drink over someone else. Often happens multiple times during a night and is more frequent with alcohol.

M.C.:
1 (n) A loser that was an accident and his parents could not be bothered to think of a real proper name. He is unloved by everyone, but he does not realize it himself. He also tries to make the world a better place, but does the opposite.

Saint:
1. (n) The newest breed of penguin.
2. (n) The modern day Superman, makes little Asian kids cry by hitting them with pillows.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #34:
Do design your own cocktail.
Don't worry about changing the geopolitical scene.

- lada doesn’t like throwing parties like that (but she loves going to them)

*What's Matt? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!

Gunslingers*

2008-04-04T12:08:00.001-04:00

Don't Take Your Guns To Town - Johnny Cash
Shooter - Robin Thicke featuring Lil' Wayne
Gun Street Girl - Tom Waits
Bullet the Blue Sky - U2
Slow Motion - Third Eye Blind
Janie's Got a Gun - Aerosmith
Rocky Raccoon - The Beatles
Bullet Proof. . . I Wish I Was - Radiohead
Gunface - The Rolling Stones
Wake Up Call - Maroon 5
Saphire Bullets of Love - They Might Be Giants
Take the Money and Run - Steve Miller Band
Whiskey in the Jar - Metallica
Hung My Head - Johnny Cash
I Shot The Sheriff - Eric Clapton

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #33:
Do score a hole in one.
Don't see the movie before reading the novel.

- lada shot a man in Reno just to watch him die

*Current iPod playlist

Twenty-Seven (a.k.a. just beer, no cake)

2008-04-02T20:38:00.006-04:00

(Chicago Sun-Times, Mathis)
IF APRIL 2 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You learn to trust that your needs will be provided for. You have so much more energy because you stop worrying! You're able to express the romantic side of your personality in fun new circumstances in May. June pushes you to the extremes of your personality, which is why you're astoundingly creative in July. Capricorn and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky numbers are 4, 20, 34, 21 and 17.

(Sun-Times, Nicols)
IS APRIL 2 YOUR BIRTHDAY: Singer Emmylou Harris (1947) shares your birthday today. People like you! You're a decent, honest, sincere straight shooter. There is also a childlike, naive quality to you, which sometimes confuses others. You're full of wonderful ideas and plans. You value your family. You're very true to your values and morals. You always fight for the underdog. In the year ahead, you'll learn or study something important.

(Chicago Tribune)
April 2, 2008 Today's Birthday. This year, you'll be able to inspire people to do important things. This is good, because you'll also run into great difficulties. You'll need everybody on your team to help you power through to success.

(Fortune cookie from sushi dinner)
Find release from your cares, have a good time. Daily Numbers: 4, 2, 9

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #32:
Do see the Aurora Borealis.
Don't eat more than you want.

- lada is lost at sea

Come On Feel the Illinoise!

2008-03-29T09:07:00.007-04:00

Life was demanding a road trip
I needed to sort some things out in my head and there is nothing like watching the sunrise over the mountains in Tennessee to put life in perspective. (And there is nothing like driving the length of Indiana to make you appreciate why Boeing is in business.) It started to snow at exactly the moment I crossed the Illinois state line. They were big fat, juicy flakes and they were perfect. It is good to be back in Chicago. I love this town.

A necessary bit of gratitude
"First Husband" Matt:
Here's to the man who, despite an abundance of alcoholic beverages, can gracefully spin and dip his tipsy dance partner whilst simultaneously making reliable literary recommendations (that you know to write down for me the next morning because I would never remember the titles on my own).
Thank you for the hours at the book store today and the Bloody Mary. Thank you for giving my lungs advice (keep breathing, don't smoke). Thank you for the emails that are purely stream of consciousness. Thanks for fifteen years of argument-free marriage. Thanks for the hugs/laughs. My heart is happy to have you as a friend.

You know you are in my family if you randomly used any of these phrases in the past two days:
Brilliantly brutal
Calendrically congruent
The trickle down effect of psychosis
Goddamn Eddie Vedder
The proper level of terror must be maintained

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #31:
Do experience weightlessness.
Don't put too much faith in polls.

- lada will bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon

The Typewriter Contract

2008-03-21T11:21:00.004-04:00

It would seem my word alone is not sufficient. I told him to write me a contract, so he did:

Due to extenuating circumstances I, lada, hereinafter referred to as "Thistle," have allowed myself an extended Lost Weekend. Said weekend has involved partaking in nicotine in the form of cigarette smoke drawn into my lungs. I recognize that this has been a temporary aid during these times and I have no plans to further this practice beyond this Lost Weekend or to engage in it on a daily basis in the immediate or long-term future.

I, Thistle, hereby swear to end this habit on the instant I leave Massachusetts soil and return home. At that specific time, any and all cigarettes, cigars, pipes, chewing tobacco, etc. will be completely used and/or smoked. If any of said cigarettes remain, they must be immediately destroyed, gifted, or otherwise discarded. I also promise to avoid this habit in the future, no matter how much I may want a drag to alleviate any stress or bad days that may arise on my return to ordinary life. I sign this in full cognizance of my senses and faculties and in the witness of my dear cousin and friend. May God Almighty have mercy on my wretched soul if I break this contract.

Witness:
T.J.L.J.

Signee:
L.E.T.G.D.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #30:
Do stay in the best suite in a five star hotel.
Don't assemble absurdly difficult jigsaw puzzles.

- lada is going quietly mad

An Ode to H. P. Lovecraft

2008-03-17T19:17:00.002-04:00

Tim and I took a day trip to see some cemeteries today (why yes, we are a bit odd). On the way back, we stopped at a random hole in the wall in Rhode Island called The Ivy Pub. I must have been feeling all sorts of festive because I had a generous helping of rye bread, red meat, and Guinness.
On the way out we noticed a sign on the wall:

Cheers!

- lada is Providence

For a Taste of Your Whiskey, I'll Give You Some Advice

2008-03-14T12:17:00.004-04:00

I stopped at a gas station in Charlotte this morning on my way to the airport and I had "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers playing (a bit too loudly so I could still hear it with my car door open while I stood there pumping my gas). As I was absentmindedly singing along watching the dollar total spin up and up, I noticed the two guys on either side of me were also singing along with my Kenny. On my right was a skinny, young white kid filling up his truck loaded with landscaping equipment; on my left was a big, old black guy driving a rusted-out brown pinto. We caught each others' eyes and sort of smiled/laughed at the silliness of our impromptu karaoke - and then the three of us brazenly belted out the chorus together at the top of our lungs.

That really made my day.

- lada knows when to hold ‘em, knows when to fold ‘em, knows when to walk away, and knows when to run

Summer of Love Redux

2008-03-11T21:29:00.008-04:00

I needed to write this stuff down. Partly because they make me happy to think about and also, so I can start keeping track of the dates:

3/14
Boston for another round of Saint Patrick’s Day with Tim and Karen. I heart pipes and drums.

3/28
Chicago for the Cubs’ opening day! Ahhh, baseball = bliss.
Oh, and also to see my parents, sister, first-husband Matt, and brother Quique.

5/8
Atlanta to see Radiohead for the first time in six years with sweet Sam. Maybe Thom and I can catch up on old times...

5/9
Charlotte for a second night of Thom and the boys, this time with some friends from SoCa.

7/12
Cincinnati for the Michelle/Allen wedding. And Skyline.

8/6
Tennessee for the reunion that is going to be ridiculously awesome.

8/13
Atlanta for the Cubs vs. Braves three-game series.

Good Doctor: Let me know what weekends you can get off sooner rather than later so I can pen you into my schedule. I am desperately craving Dallas sushi, a good shiraz and your face.

Gogo: Florida? Baby Shower? Golf cart ride at midnight?

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #29:
Do meet your idol.
Don't take a budget bus tour of Europe.

- lada takes just like a women, aches just like a women, but she breaks just like a little girl

A Random Email

2008-03-02T16:05:00.005-05:00

To: lada
From: Matt R.
Subject: Funny Story

So I'm at Walgreen’s and I see two items on sale this week in the check out lane:

1. A one-step pregnancy test: The problem was "test" was in really small letters and I didn't see the word at first. I was utterly baffled by the merchandising of a “one-step pregnancy” selling for $9.99. I laughed at myself (nearly audibly) for my confusion.

2. A personal massager: Located right next to that pre-filled, auto injecting sperm launcher, was this beauty of a sale item. It could be a back massager but it was small and it was waterproof. What's small, vibrates and needs to be underwater? Apparently, not all women have kick-ass shower heads.*

Matt

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #28:
Do skydive.
Don't be intimidated by obstacles.

- lada’s crazy is catching

*The 101 things to do and don't come out of a couple of books, not my head. I point this out because sometimes they have an odd way of relating to whatever is happening in my life. For instance: I receive this email from Matt, decide to post it for your entertainment, and as I am flipping through the book to type up #28, I catch a glimpse #27. Nice.

A Picture Show

2008-02-24T16:25:00.010-05:00

Yesterday I went to AMC’s "Best Picture Showcase." Basically, for thirty bucks, you spend twelve hours at the theater, get to see all five Academy Award nominees, and get to enjoy endless free refills. It was a hell of a marathon (with twenty minute breaks between each film) but a good movie experience overall. Of course, by the end I was seriously fiending for anything that wasn’t salty, over-processed, and carbonated.

11:00 a.m. - Michael Clayton (Mmm, popcorn and diet coke for breakfast…)
Four stars
This is great movie despite the fairly typical lawyer-takes-on-big-bad-corporation plotline (à la Erin Brockovich or A Civil Action). The relationship between Michael and his son is one of the most interesting bits of the movie, doubly so because it is only about the two of them: there is no typical, annoyingly controlling mother involved.
The movie does turn a little too John Grisham-esque toward the end, but still good stuff.

Best Line: (To his son as he drops him off at elementary school) “Go teach those people something, will ya?”

1:20 p.m. - There Will Be Blood
Five stars
An absolutely remarkable film. Art. Daniel Day-Lewis is phenomenal – I mean really, wow. He plays an excellent character that manages to be a badass, a family man, and a snarky mofo all at once. It has a fascinating storyline that is not nearly as heavy as I was expecting. I did do a fair amount of wincing (that old-time oil drilling stuff was rough) but most of the dialogue is actually pretty amusing, if not outright funny.
And the score, my god, the score. It adds so much to this film. The music literally reached into my guts and pulled. I went out and bought the CD today and I was shocked (though I shouldn't be) and super impressed to realize Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead's lead guitar) was the composer. Loverly.

Best Line: “One night, I’m gonna come inside your house, wherever you’re sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.”

4:20 p.m. - Atonement
Three stars
This is one of those powerful, sweeping love stories that everyone says are really great, but I never seem to be in the mood to watch. (I skipped The Notebook, The English Patient, et al.) This is a decent movie though; I'm generally glad I saw it. The first half is pretty fun: it is all whimsical and floaty and a little bit… um… naughty.
The second half is sort of dull. It is, however, worth watching this movie just to see the beautiful, uncut, five minute scene of the soldiers on the beach that mixes the horror of war with the whimsy of Ferris wheels and singing.

One small thing that just really got under my skin: I find it hard to believe that the main character would have exactly the same hair cut, which she wears in the exact same hairclip, from age ten to seventy. Did the director think we would not understand the passage of time or who the (only blonde) girl/women was without such an annoyingly clear indicator?

Best Line: “Bite it… You’ve got to bite it.”
There is one other line that is better, but it is never spoken (only written) and frankly, I would blush if I wrote it here for you.

7:00 p.m. - Juno
Five stars
One word about this movie: bitchin. It lives up to all the hype. Granted the dialogue is (rather awesomely) unrealistic but hey, it’s a movie, right – suspend reality for entertainment purposes. Oddly enough, this comedy was the only movie of the five that had me crying. (For those who don’t know me, all bravado aside, I am a softy at times.)
I bought this stellar soundtrack as well.

Best Line: “That little pink plus sign is so unholy.”

9:00 p.m. - No Country For Old Men
Two and ½ stars
This is a bloodbath of a bad movie. I didn’t have high hopes after DCM’s scathing book review, but I thought surely the movie would be better then the novel. No such luck. It has all sorts of potential in the beginning but quickly turns into a nonsensical mess. There isn’t much of a storyline so the shoot ‘um up scenes just trip over each other and don’t actually seem to serve much purpose at all (other than basic bloody action-type entertainment). Really, I could have skipped the middle hour of the movie and not have missed a beat of the tangled plot. The one saving grace: Tommy Lee Jones is entertaining.

Best Line: “Hell’s bells, they even shot the dog.”

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #27:
Do see an erupting volcano.
Don't use a flow-restricting shower head.

- lada will agree to disagree

T.I.L. (part II)

2008-02-21T03:02:00.003-05:00

(A song lyric triggered this memory recently and I wanted to write it down before I lost it again forever. It is not a fun memory, but it is lada.)

"It Wears Me Out"

I am seventeen. I am standing outside a house that belongs to a friend of a friend. It is unusual that I am here; we have never spent time alone together in the past and I surprised him by coming over rather randomly. (I suppose, like any teenager, I was just bored and did not want to be alone.) But he is friendly enough, so Travis and I are now sitting outside his house, chatting and wasting time leaning against the hood of my car in the sunshine.

I see in the distance a young boy running down the street and as I watch, the child sees us and veers in our direction. Curious, I ask Travis if knows the boy; he does not. The boy runs right up to us wearing an oddly pained expression on his small face. He offers a shy hello and then he mumbles something about a sick dog, gesturing in the direction from which he came. He asks us if it is our dog. It isn't, but we are concerned and tell him to show us where it is. As we are following the child back up the street, it occurs to me that the roles in this situation are strangely reversed from your typical episode of Lassie.

We see the beautiful black Labrador, lying on its side in the road. His fur is matted and bloody. He does not move as we approach, though he is still very much alive. He is whining in pain - banged up, hit by a car, left for dead. I draw near to him cautiously: weary of an injured animal but still feeling the instinct to reach out and give comfort. I sit next to him but do not extend my hand.

The young boy tells us that he has to go home - I think he is mostly just frightened. Travis is on his cell phone, desperately arguing with the operator for information about whom we should call for help. The operator cannot seem to be able to find the number to animal control.

I pet the dog. I am afraid to touch him because he is badly cut and scraped and must have internal injuries and I do not want to hurt him more. I gently rub the thin patch of glossy black fur between his eyes. He looks at me and blinks slowly with each stroke. I begin to cry.

Travis is pacing, cursing. He wants to fix the problem but he cannot. Animal control is saying that they will come by later, but we know later is too late. No one is coming to help.

The dog just stares at us. He is dying. I tell him that he is not alone, that I am so sorry, that the pain will stop soon. I do not say these things out loud; I try to convey them to him with my eyes as he stares at me and I hope he understands. He blinks again but I do not know what he is trying to say to me in response.

Blood begins to trickle out of his mouth. Travis and I are distraught. He is sitting next to me and we are trying to ease the dog with gentle touches. We are both speaking out loud now, babbling useless platitudes: it will be okay, just keep hanging on, don’t stop breathing.

And the dog dies. I feel ill. I am angry and frustrated but hoping I made passing easier for the poor creature. My heart hurts. I do not want to think about the family who loves this dog. The body is now just a body and I do not want to look at its emptiness. I walk away and leave it for animal control to come and collect at their leisure.

We walk back to Travis’s house. We are emotional but do not know what to say to one another - we are not close, he is only a friend of a friend, so it is an awkward moment. We mutter goodbyes and I get into my car. I make a three-point turn so I do not have to drive past the body on my way out of his neighborhood. I am crying all the way home.

I have never seen birth, but I have seen death.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #26:
Do go bungee jumping.
Don't disparage Nixon more than necessary.

- lada doesn't like crying cause it only gets her wet

Rock and Roll

2008-02-16T20:09:00.006-05:00

A complete list of all the shows I have attended (or as many as I can recall):

Athenaeum
Barenaked Ladies
Beck
Cake
Chicago
Eric Clapton
Sheryl Crow
Dido
Bob Dylan
Drive By Truckers
Ben Folds (x4)
The Hives
Jude
KC & the Sunshine Band
Phil Lesh
Local H
Mannheim Steamroller
Maroon 5
Matchbox Twenty (x2)
Matisyahu
Dave Matthews
John Mayer (x2)
Paul McCartney (x2)
Medeski, Martin & Wood
Moby (x2)
Alanis Morissette
‘N Sync
Phish
Radiohead
Remy Zero
Semisonic (x2)
Sister Hazel
Smashing Pumpkins (x2)
Spacehog
Third Eye Blind
Tonic
Travis
The Village People
Violent Femmes
Rufus Wainwright
Weezer
Widespread Panic
Wilco
Wolf Parade
311 (x 8)

UPDATES
Spoon - 4/13/08
Eisley - 4/21/08

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #25:
Do capture the moment in an award-winning photo.
Don't listen to prognosticators.

- how does lada afford her rock and roll lifestyle

For the Grown and Sexy Crowd

2008-02-12T18:47:00.001-05:00

Can it get any better than an adults-only skate party with alcohol?
No, it cannot!
Here is a picture of Karen and I couple skating. Granted we were probably cuter when we were eight and six, but this time we had beer, so...

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #24:
Do see a space shuttle launch.
Don't lock yourself out.

- lada can limbo lower

I Need a Drink

2008-02-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

I got a venti hot tea from Starbucks this morning: black currant. As I took my first sip, the cup crumbled and I dumped the entire thing all over my car - soaking my pants and scalding the hell out of my thigh in the process. Unfortunately, I had just spent two hours in the car driving to work in Charleston and I couldn't quite run home to dry off, change, or apply aloe vera.

I was in pain, dripping wet, and still thirsty. I stopped at a gas station to get a (chilled) beverage, pulled a Cherry Coke from the refrigerator and promptly dropped it. The cap flew off and the entire bottle exploded, covering me and half the gas station in the fizzy mess.

I was in pain, dripping wet, sticky, smelling of various fruits, and still thirsty.

And grumpy.

Will someone pass me the vodka (and a straw)?

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #23:
Do get arrested.
Don't cook spaghetti al dente.

- lada is dehydrated

Good People

2008-02-01T07:23:00.001-05:00

I heart my car. She is a sweet little Corolla: black, manual drive, with illegally tinted windows. Though we have been through a lot together (almost sinking in a lake, Heather learning how to drive a stick, etc.) I only recently settled on a name for her, “Good People.”

Well, the dear girl hit the big 100,000 mark recently (I think she was 12 when I got her back in December 2003). That is a lot of rock and roll miles in four short years. It was a special moment for us when the dial hit that milestone - I pulled over and poured out a 40 oz. in remembrance of all the cars I have loved and wrecked in the past.

Here’s to the next 100,000 miles.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #22:
Do go up in a hot air balloon.
Don't fear the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.

- lada is a wolf but she likes to wear sheep's clothing

Run, Run, Run Otis Lee*

2008-01-25T21:38:00.000-05:00

Run For Your Life - The Beatles
The Distance - Cake
Breathless - The Corrs
She Ran Away - The Daybirds
Superman - Goldfinger
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
Run On - Moby
Stronger - Kanye West
We Are the Champions - Queen
Run, Baby, Run - Sheryl Crow
Today - Smashing Pumpkins
Lazybones - Soul Coughing
Wrong Way - Sublime
You Are A Runner and I Am My Father's Son - Wolf Parade
Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen

- lada is a girl named Sue

*current iPod play list for the 5K this weekend

Is that Russ?

2008-01-22T11:23:00.001-05:00

Mutt

2008-01-19T22:13:00.001-05:00

Am I the only one who has so many conflicting personalities?

I am a girly girl - I am a nerd - I am a snob - I am a sports junkie.

Do nerd and jock DNA mix? I don’t know, but I do know that people make fun of me for my various interests. My guy friends think I am a cool girl because I love sports and video games, but then they tease me for reading some chick lit. My sister compliments my rad new handbag but then looks at me weird when I mention the new book that J.R.R. Tolkien’s son wrote. Whatever kids. This is all me.

A comparison of my four basic personalities (in third-person so I don’t feel weird talking about myself so extensively):

lada the girly girl
She: goes out with her girlfriends once a week to sip cocktails at happy hour and gossip.
She eats: dark chocolate
She drinks: Champagne
She thinks: “Midnight in Moscow is my new favorite of nail polish color.”
She wears: Kate Spade
She reads: Confessions of a Shopaholic
She listens to: Fiona Apple
She hates: messy eyebrows
She will name her children: Jack and Sally

lada the über nerd
She: will easily spend 18 hours in one day playing the newest Final Fantasy (she knows the specific uses for potions, antidotes, ethers, and elixirs). Star Wars. Swords and shields. Dragons. X-Men. You get the idea.
She eats: fish sticks
She drinks: cherry Kool-Aid and Red Bull
She thinks: “Oooh, lunar eclipse in February!”
She wears: her glasses so she doesn’t have to squint
She reads: any book about magic, dwarves and elves, or space travel...
She listens to: audio books
She hates: anyone opposed to scientific progress
She will name her children: some random names that will not matter much because she will just refer to each child as “Precious.”

lada the sport fan
She: can’t decide if her heart really belongs to the NFC or the AFC but she knows that either way, the Superfan NFL package lets her watch up to eight games at one time on one screen which is worth every penny of the $300 or so it costs her every season.
She eats: hot wings and bratwurst
She drinks: Old Style or Miller Lite
She ~~thinks~~ knows: “This is going to be the year!”
She wears: her Cubs sweat band
She reads: ESPN.com
She listens to: Pat and Ron call the Cub games on WGN radio on her laptop.
She hates: domed stadiums and pink jerseys
She will name her children: Ivy Addison or Bleu Bear

lada the stuck-up snot
She: believes that, although her opinions are not correct 100% of the time, you should always agree with her just to be on the safe side.
She eats: sushi
She drinks: vodka gimlets
She thinks: “You need to be quiet now.”
She wears: anything from Banana Republic
She reads: anything on Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels of the Century list
She listens to: Andrew Lloyd Webber
She hates: reality television
She will name her children: Kafka or Dante

Am I the only person out there that loves red patent-leather shoes and battle axes equally?

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #21:
Do be a human guinea pig.
Don't expect an "egg cream" to contain either egg or cream.

- like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of lada's life

I Surrender (for the second time this week)

2008-01-17T15:14:00.001-05:00

You will be pleased to know I finally broke down and bought a cell phone charger today. I am sure this means that the other three that are lost will magically appear, but what's another freaking $35 down the drain?
I have a decent amount of messages that I seem to have missed over the past week, so in an effort to save time and minutes, I will address those all at once here.

D: Yes, I am okay.
Tim: After much thought, I have decided not to read the Jon chapter until the book is published, but thanks for the word that G.R.R. Martin posted it. Are you grumpy about my review of The Proposition?
Heed: I am glad you finally got your gifts and am pleased that you enjoy them. Doesn't that shirt rock your socks off? Love it! Call me when you aren't working/sleeping - I miss you desperately.
D: No I am not mad at you. Just a dead battery. Don't you have my other phone numbers, Russ's phone number, and my email address which I check fifty times a day? Maybe you should get on Facebook or Myspace so we can keep in touch when I lose my charger again for the fifth time. Sorry to cause concern! XOXO (P.S. Did you see that there is a new Jon chapter up on Martin's website?)
Mom: Take your time on the book plates. No worries.
M.R.: I did miss happy hour because I did not get your message until today. Glad to know the good old-fashioned phonebook still works. I will see you this weekend...?
Quique: You know that it isn't nice to leave people hanging when they are vulnerable.
D: I heard the bad news. I am talking to Josh too. I will call you today.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #20:
Do get backstage and throw yourself at a rock star.
Don't let telemarketers ruin your day.

- lada is the straw that broke the camel's back

W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part IV)

2008-01-15T16:57:00.000-05:00

Why I Shroud Myself in Mystery (Part I)
W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part II)
W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part III)

Why do I try to remain somewhat anonymous? Because it seems I have yet another silly shower story (see Part III) and I am not too impressed with myself on this one. First, because I really and seriously am a dork and a half. And secondly, you would think that by the age of twenty-six, I would have gotten it by now – but somehow, she still manages to impress (and frighten) me. Here's the deal:

When I was nine-years-old, I fell in the shower. I can’t recall how exactly, I just know that I told my family I had accidentally stepped on a dropped bar of soap and slipped. I can’t imagine what I might have actually done to fall, but it must have been awfully humiliating if I thought the whole “dropping a bar of soap and then stepping on it” story was less embarrassing. Either way, I went down hard enough to make a good deal of noise and cause some pain in my elbow.
Now at the tender age of nine, there is only one thing one wants after a painful fall – a mother’s comforting embrace. So I sat there naked and wet with the shower still running, crying a bit and waiting patiently for the panicked footsteps of my mom coming to see what the terrible, crashing noise had been. But they did not come. And so, rather than hauling my ass up, getting dressed and doing a little self-soothing, I decided instead to cry louder.
“Mommie!” I wailed, “Mommie, I fell!”
Finally I heard the sound of my mom’s hurried steps as she rushed downstairs to see what in the world had happened to her now screaming daughter.
She pulled me dripping from the shower, carefully cradling my injured (though not really hurting too much anymore) arm and dried me off. She gave me hugs and kisses and checked me from head to toe to assess my injuries. She asked what had happened (“um…I slipped on the soap…”) gave me sympathetic looks and helped me into a pair of snuggly pajamas. Ahhhh, moms are so wonderful.

Now, ask yourself reader, could you have resisted this outpouring of love? I think not. You would have eaten it up just as much as I did and continued to cradle your arm and bask in the sympathy, despite the fact that you really felt perfectly fine by that point. You might have wondered if it was the best decision when Mom decided it seemed serious enough to drive down the street to the friendly nurse’s house to get a “professional opinion.” You definitely would have had second thoughts about continuing to exaggerate the injury when the nurse said that the arm could possible be broken, or at least sprained, and a visit to the ER was the best thing to do. And you would have had major regrets about the whole stupid fiasco when all the popular girls at school made fun of you the following day because the doctor at the emergency room made you wear a sling for two days. However, you would realize that you had taken the whole attention getting act way too far to have a sudden miraculous recovery, so you would wear the sling just like I did, take the taunting and hope for more mom hugs when the school day ended.
A few days later, I pulled off the sling, headed for the monkey bars and never really gave the episode another thought.
That is until seventeen years later when I was taking a shower and suddenly recalled that day I slipped on the soap. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter remembering what a whiny, little ass I had been. Russ was brushing his teeth in the bathroom when I started my cackling in the shower, so he turned around and gave me the “what is so funny/have you lost your mind?” questioning look.
I cheerfully recounted the entire story to him – telling him that I haven’t thought about nor spoken of that incident for the past seventeen years. We both shared a chuckle and that was the end of it. So I thought. Then it got weird.

Exactly one week later to the day, my mother called. One freaking week later and it is the very first question that she asked.
“Didn’t I have to take you to the emergency room at some point when your father was out of town?”
Are you kidding me? I almost fell out of my chair. I have not breathed a word of this story since I was in fourth grade! I tell it one time, one freaking time, to my husband all these years later behind our closed bathroom door and somehow my mom just knows that I have a confession to make from five states away! How does she do that? I mean, I of course told her the whole story and we got a good laugh out of it but, damn!
“She felt a disturbance in the Force,” was the only explanation my sister had.

Ask me if I believe in God and I will tell you to show me the proof.
Ask me if mothers are psychic and I will say yes, every single time.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #19:
Do master poker and win big in a casino.
Don't mistake commercial printing for original art.

- lada’s eye behold, but see not what they see

Pre-Primary

2008-01-10T21:05:00.001-05:00

Sorry, this is the second (and last) political post this month. It's just that, now that we are living in South Carolina, our primary votes are suddenly super important and the stink of politics is heavy in the air...

I went to see Barack Obama today in Charleston and it happened that John Kerry was also there to give Barack his endorsement. I stood in line for a couple of hours but I got really close and was able to get some great pictures. I also got the back of my head and my right shoulder on CNN, so I can check that life-long goal off my list.

After the speech, they went around doing a quick meet and greet. I was trying to squirm my way through the crowds to the front when a Secret Service agent caught my eye and yelled at me not to push. Aah, scary! Seriously, those Secret Service guys are crazy intimidating. They really are the ultimate cliché - perfect suits, sunglasses, absolutely no facial expressions, whispering into their lapels with one finger on the earpiece.
But right after my S.S. scolding, Barack reached out and shook my hand! Cool.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #18:
Do study the Kama Sutra.
Don't leave home unprepared.

- lada smells what Barack is cooking

Banished Words

2008-01-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

A Michigan university has released its 2007 Banished Word List. These are some of their words and phrases that were used ad nauseum this past year and they believe should be officially retired:

Gitmo - When did the notorious Guantanamo Bay Naval Base change to "Gitmo," a word that conjures up an image of a fluffy, sweet character from Japanese anime?
Combined celebrity names - Celebrity duos of old - BogCall (Bogart and Bacall), Lardy (Laurel and Hardy), and CheeChong (Cheech and Chong) - were lucky to have missed this sucky trend.
Gone/went missing - This phrase makes “missing” sound like a place you can visit, like the Poconos. “Is missing” or “was missing” would serve us better.
Now playing in theaters - This is heard in movie advertisements in case you find yourself wondering where you could see that movie. I know my instinct is to try seeing it at a laudromat, so I am always glad when they clarify.
We're pregnant - Were men feeling left out of the whole morning sickness/huge belly/labor experience? You may both be expecting, but only one of you is pregnant.
Armed robbery/drug deal gone bad - This is commonly used in news reports. This is apparently after the drug deal has stopped going well and good?
Ask your doctor - Ask your doctor if (fill in the blank) is right for you! Or, you could just try and take one or two and see if it makes you (insert desired effect) or if it makes you deathly ill.
Search - This word is obviously an antique having been replaced by the verb “google.”
Boasts - See any classified advertisements for a house, as in “master bedroom boasts a fireplace.” There never seems to be any desciptions such as, “bathroom apologizes for cracked linoleum,” or “kitchen laments pathetic placement of electrical outlets.”

Any others? I personally would add "throw someone under the bus" to this list.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #17:
Do own a pointless collection.
Don't settle for wire clothes hangers.

- lada pushes her own buttons so you don't have to

Barack The Casbah

2008-01-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to Barack Obama for winning the Democratic Caucus in Iowa. I am so very excited! If you want to know more about his modus operandi, here's where you can see his thoughts and voting record on most anything.

A few of my favorite quotes from Barack:

"Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.”

"I inhaled - that was the point."

"There is not a liberal America and a conservative America. There is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and Latino America and Asian America. There's the United States of America."

"No one is pro-abortion."

"I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying."

"Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction."

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #16:
Do stage dive or crowd surf at a concert.
Don't try to beat the red lights.

- lada is ready for change

Updates

2007-12-29T11:23:00.000-05:00

Happy late Christmas and early New Year.

As you might have expected, we accidentally spent some time back North and got to see all the family for the holidays.

The kids are okay for the most part. Hailee has a broken jaw and tons of black stitches on the side of her face (which Uncle Russ told her looked like cat whiskers and she hasn't stopped meowing since), but she is three and will heal in time. She will need a couple plastic surgeries in the future, but for now, she is well enough.

My eleven-year-old nephew was mostly just banged and bruised. He hobbled around pretty well and refused to take his pain medicine while we were there, so I assume the worst is not physical for him.
My sister-in-law is dealing with the loss of her husband in a way only a mother with four young children has the strength to do. The two youngest, ages three and five, know the words (they will stop a stranger on the street to announce loudly, "My daddy is dead!") but they don't fully understand the loss of their father. And although they are running around and playing and yelling like every other child their age with new Christmas presents, they both have reverted a bit and are having issues wetting the bed and sleeping alone. Jordan is acting out a lot. He blames himself (they were driving home from a friend's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese that he had begged and pleaded his parents to allow them to attend). He is being loud and obnoxious in ways I have never seen before and is basically screaming for attention and comfort. Nine-year-old Hannah is just very, very quite.
I am grateful they have a large support system to help them going forward. There has been a huge outpouring of love and support from family, friends, and co-workers. My thanks to everyone.

So life goes on.

It was nice to get some snow for the holiday season while we were back home. I am rather grumpy now that we are back in SC because the high today is a humid 68 degrees.*

One last unrelated note: Guitar Hero is spectacular. Thanks Mom.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #15:
Do get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
Don't fall into a cheese rut. (Mmm, try Gouda or Muenster.)

- lada is the shiniest coin in the fountain

*I know, I know. I complain too often about the weather since moving to the South. Write something interesting and skip the small talk, you rightly say. This is the last time, I promise: Stupid weather.

Dread

2007-12-19T00:14:00.000-05:00

The phone call that comes too late at night. From a friend of the family that would never call you unless the rest of your family is too busy at the hospital. To tell you everyone is not okay. He didn't make it. Oh Jesus, the kids. What about the babies? His back and hip might be broken, she is still in surgery. The kids were lucky. They were buckled in car seats. But he didn't make it. He had a new wife. They were starting a new life. A week before Christmas. Thank God the kids are alive. My nieces and nephew.

Yesterday I got annoyed because Russ was being mushy. He told me he loved me about a hundred times and it was driving me crazy. By dinner time I told him that if he felt he had to be in love with something, that he should just say that he loved the spaghetti I had made for dinner. He smiled and told me he loved the spaghetti very, very much. I am a fucking moron.

Tell the people you love that you love them today. Tell them until they are sick of hearing it.

I love you all

- ld

Why I Love My Husband

2007-12-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

Russ’s car is back in the shop. The stupid thing is only two years old and this is the third time we have had to take it in for the power steering.
We were driving home this afternoon after dropping off the car at the dealership when the radio announced a major traffic jam on a busy road near our house. A few minutes later, turning onto that road, we saw far up ahead that the hold-up was caused by a stalled SUV stuck in the middle of the street. We crawled along in the traffic until we finally got near the stalled car. Russ pulled off the side of the road and dodging the passing cars, jogged out to the center of the street. I watch him chat with the poor, embarrassed guy in the driver’s seat and make some vague pointing gestures toward the side of the road. After a few minutes conversation, Russ dug in his heels and pushed and prodded the dead SUV through the traffic and off the road onto the shoulder. Without much ado, he reached in and shook the guys hand and jogs back to our car.

lada: Thank you.
Russ: What for?
lada: Being a nice person.
Russ: (grunt)
lada: Umm, did he not get out and help you push?
Russ: Nope
lada: He just sat there and looked at you while you hauled him off the road?
Russ: Well, it actually moved a lot easier than I thought it would for such a big car. But he was a pretty big guy who needs a big car so I had to push all his weight too, along with the car, which didn’t make it easier…
lada: What! He just sat there! Was he elderly?
Russ: Nah, just a fat forty. He did steer though.
lada: What a tool.
Russ: Eh, at least traffic is moving again.

Russ is a nice person.
I got stuck in some mud once and a stranger stopped and offered to help and though I declined the offer, I thought that was awfully friendly. I would never in a million years stop.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #14:
Do ride the world’s biggest roller coasters.
Don't use a dangerous can opener.

- lada’d like to buy the world a Coke

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2007-12-02T17:52:00.000-05:00

Too Street
Sesame Street has released some of its first episodes from 1969 (Sesame Street - Old School Vol. 1). The DVD features a warning saying "these early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.”
These are some of the "issues" and my personal advice to any child whose parents didn't heed the warning:

- In Cookie Monster's parody "Monsterpiece Theater," C.M. is seen smoking a pipe, which he promptly eats.
CHILDREN: Do not gobble pipes. Take small bites to better savor the subtle smokey flavors.

- A little girl walking on the street is befriended by an older male stranger who holds her hand and takes her home. They then share milk and cookies.
CHILDREN: Yell, "NO!" and run away from strangers (especially if you have a nut allergy and the stranger is trying to give you peanut butter cookies and a glass of whole fat milk.)

- Big Bird cross the street - not at a crosswalk - and nearly gets hit by a car.
CHILDREN: If you are going to cross a street, do it in front of a Mercedes so you can sue the driver and pay for your future college tuition to Yale.

- Ernie is in a bath and asks Bert to bring him a bar of soap. Later he is scandalousy talking to Bert wearing only a towel around his waist.
CHILDREN: Take showers.

- For years, Big Bird was the only one who could see Snuffleupagus. None of the other characters believed he even existed outside of Big Bird's mind.
CHILDREN: Follow these suggestions to prevent schizophrenia. Also avoid LSD.

Too Fat
If you are on Disney's "It's a Small World" ride you may get an extended viewing of the Canadian Mounties. It would appear that the extra 25 pounds most Americans are averaging now compared to the 60's when the ride debuted, is causing the boats to grind to a halt. It has happened often enough that they built a platform next to the trouble spots so stranded guests can get out of the grounded boat. Disney is currently renovating the ride, adding an extra inch of water and designing more buoyant boats.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #13:
Do meet someone with your own name.
Don't be impressed when a Realtor says "crown molding."

- lada is America (and so can you!)

Two Things

2007-11-25T13:46:00.000-05:00

It has been said that for every subject, there are really only two things you really need to know. Everything else is the application of those two things, or just not important. Here are some of my favorites I found and some that I penned:

The Two Things about Trading:
1. Buy low.
2. Sell high.

The Two Things about World Conquest:
1. Divide and Conquer.
2. Never invade Russia in the winter.

The Two Things about Binary Systems:
1: 0
2: 1

The Two Things about Shoe Buying:
1. Never sacrifice comfort for style.
2. Never sacrifice style for comfort.

The Two Things about National Security:
1. Bring overwhelming force to bear.
2. Let them hate, so long as they fear.

The Two Things about Working with Building Materials:
1. Wood is key.
2. Don't giggle like a 12-year-old when the "L" is not pronounced in caulk.

The Two Things about the Bible:
1. The Old Testament describes a lot of rules and laws we must follow to be allowed into heaven.
2. The New Testament tells us how Jesus died so we can break all those old rules and laws and still get into heaven.

The Two Things about Boxing:
1. Hit.
2. Don't get hit.

The Two Things about Women:
1. When complaining, they don’t want your advice, they want your sympathy.
2. Don’t you dare tell them you can sum them up with just two things.

The Two Things about Driving a Manual:
1. It is better to over-rev the engine then to under-rev.
2. Use the parking brake on steep hills.

The Two Things about Star Trek:
1. Don't beam down in a red shirt.
2. You can always talk evil computers into destroying themselves.

The Two Things about Diamonds:
1. Know the 4 C’s (carat, clarity, color, and cut).
2. Like women, each diamond is unique and special in nature.

The Two Things about Being a Sports Commentator:
1. Make up words.
2. Quote random statistics that no one cares about.

What two pieces of advice can you give? The Two Things about Child rearing - Money laundering - Cooking - Dog training - Football - Safe cracking - Glass blowing - Running for public office - Baby naming? Enlighten me.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #12:
Do get a piece of art into an exhibition.
Don't push the same elevator button more than twice.

- lada loves you, but she is not in love with you

Honey Brined Turkey

2007-11-22T18:53:00.000-05:00

1 pound of salt
1 pound of honey
1 gallon hot water
2 quarts vegetable broth
1 cup maple syrup
7 pound of ice
1 turkey (15-20 lbs.)

Mix hot water and salt in a large cooler until salt is dissolved. Stir in honey, syrup, and vegetable broth. Add ice. Place turkey in cooler breast up. Cover cooler and leave turkey in brine overnight. Cook as desired.

Damn fine (JUICY!) turkey. It is also a bit of fun mixing stuff up into a cooler. I declare Thanksgiving (and my first solo turkey) a massive success. Thanks Alton.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #11:
Do storm chase a tornado.
Don't eat the wrong snack during a movie. (Popcorn of nothing, baby.)

- lada wants a dog named cat stevens

The Weaker Sex

2007-11-13T19:24:00.000-05:00

The other day I was waiting in a co-worker’s office while he was finishing a phone call. While I waited, I started flipping through the paperback he had on his desk: The Man in the Mirror by Patrick M. Morley. This is your typical Christian man’s guide to leading a good life. I scanned the table of contents:

Children: How to Avoid Regrets
Time Management: Doing God’s Will
Money: A Biblical Point of View
The Secret of Job Contentment
Wives: How to Be Happily Married

This last one caught my eye. I was curious what advice this book has to give men about their wives, so I flipped to page 116 and managed to scan the entire chapter before my co-worker got off the phone. We then had a rather long, heated discussion. I won't bore you with the details, I will just present, for you amusement, some of my favorite pearls of wisdom from The Man in the Mirror:

"A man’s need to be respected far exceeds a women’s need"

What? I don't feel the need to be respected as much as Russ? Riiiiight.

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). Your wife’s duty
is to submit to you, which is the ultimate expression of respect."

I just threw up.

"Your wife’s submission to you is to be in the same manner, or equal to, the way
she submits to Christ. Don’t you think that puts a pretty large responsibility on you as the husband?"

Now wait one freaking minute, you mean the women should spend as much time praying to her husband as to Jesus? Um, Pompous, table for one…

"Women take exception to this concept of submission. It just seems archaic to many women… The word "submit" translates from Greek into English as "to subordinate, to obey, or to submit one’s self unto." The goal of this instruction is not to reduce women to servants and doormats, but to provide an authority structure in the marriage."

Genius! How could I have been so blind? All I need is an authority figure in my marriage! I mean duh, I always responded to being controlled so well in the past.

"In any business organization, high productivity and good morale result from a
clearly defined authority structure…When our marriage doesn’t run by God’s
authority structure… "morale" and "productivity" go down. Some women even
join feminist groups – marriage’s version of the labor union."

Here is where we start comparing a relationship to a business, where the guy is supposed to put the "man" in "manager." If your wife isn’t behaving the way you want, you, as the man, need to look at how you are "leading" her.

"How has your "management style" contributed to her morale?"

He then breaks relationships down into four different types of marriages depending on if the man loves or hates his wife and whether the wife submits or resists her husband’s wishes.

"Hate and Resist Marriage: a prominent example in the 1980s is J.R. and Sue
Ellen Ewing. In the Hate and Resist marriage the wife nags her man, she idles the day away, and she contends with her husband’s authority. He keeps several girlfriends around town."

But I love to idle my days away. Bad lada, bad wife!

"Hate and Submit Marriage: Edith and Archie Bunker – he is the domineering
emperor of his house and she is the submissive attendant to his demands.
If this sounds like your marriage… turn it around by following biblical
commands: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your
wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner… (1 Peter 3:7)"

Oh for goodness sake, it is just a penis.

"Love and Resist Marriage: The feminist movement has fueled the Love and
Resist marriage syndrome. But today a professional woman overly devoted to
her career might be a …example of the resistant wife. The two-income family
puts extra tension on a marriage.
Several years ago, my wife started feeling inadequate because she was "just a housewife and mother." After some discussion we realized she was being influenced in her thinking by the editorial bias of certain women’s magazines. She promptly cancelled her subscriptions."

He didn’t like the articles about women in the workplace but I bet he didn’t complain about Cosmo’s article titled "The Hottest Things to do to a Man with Your Hands."

"Love and Submit Marriage: Abraham and Sarah, and Joseph and Mary, two
prominent examples characterized by love and submission."

Didn’t Abraham have three wives?
I checked the publication date on this book, certain it would be 1954. Nope, 1997. God help me.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #10:
Do leave your mark in graffiti.
Don't accumulate nonfunctional pens

Halloween '07

2007-11-04T17:47:00.000-05:00

Holiday update via text message conversation with the Dunce Cap Marvel:

DCM: How was the Halloween party?
lada: It was last Saturday and was okay – people afraid to really dress up
DCM: What were you?
lada: I was going to be a firefighter but ended up it my cap and gown – it sucked
DCM: Haha…yeah that is pretty bad, especially with all the secrecy around it. Did you do anything Halloween night?
lada: Sat in my new rocking chairs on the porch with a lot of black candles, Halloween music, red wine and passed out
lada: Candy – passed out candy
DCM: Nope. I prefer the story the kids will tell at school about the crazy lady passed out drunk on the porch clutching the bucket of candy daring kids to come close.
lada: Half the kids didn’t even dress up
DCM: Really? Lame. At least they will grow up to be good evangelical Christians instead of devil worshippers.
lada: I made them sing to get the kiddy crack if they were not in costume – twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder where you’re at
DCM: Some Wiccan lady won the lottery and is starting a real life Hogwarts.
lada: Well there goes my life’s ambition right out the stained-glass window. The only thing left for me to do is finish building that teleporter in the back of my wardrobe…

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #9:
Do learn to play that instrument (piano is the most popular).
Don't jump to conclusions.

- lada is standing outside a broken phone booth with money in her hand

Survival Plans

2007-10-29T20:34:00.000-04:00

In light of the recent hurricanes, tsunamis, wildfires and locust plagues - Time magazine suggested that I make a list of items that I would grab (in ten minutes) to take with me in the event of an emergency evacuation. It was actually pretty hard to come up with stuff considering most things are replaceable these days.

1. The dogs - if we were stuck living in a tent city, they would serve as my own personal tongue bath (or a lite dinner if we got really desperate).
2. External hard drive - can I tell you how awesome it feels to know that I have uploaded almost every single picture I own and my entire musical library onto one easily transportable piece of plastic and metal?
3. ~~File with personal papers~~ - this is one of those answers that feels like you have to say it but the more I think about it, I realize that all of my accounts and policies are easily accessible online, the passport can be replaced and termite contract probably wouldn't matter much anymore. Never mind, I strike this lame answer off my list.
3. Books - I chose four: Eye of the World, signed by the recently deceased Robert Jordan; Slaughterhouse Five, stolen from my high school library after the bastards tried to kick me out and ban me; The Neverending Story, a spectacular gift from the DCM that represents everything I love about family, my childhood, and unsolved mysteries; The Bobbsey Twins, a copy given to my mother from her parents that she then passed down to me that I will one day give to Harley when she learns how to read.
4. The strand of pink pearls that decorated both my grandmother's neck on her wedding day and my wedding bouquet four years ago.
5. Food and water
6. Clean underwear and sneakers
7. Russ

The other doomsday question recently asked of me: What would you do if you found out you only had sixty minutes to live before a meteor destroys the planet? (Assuming phone lines are jam packed and you can't call anyone.)
As you would expect, common answers were sex and pray. An odd answer more than one person said was looting (morons).
Me? A really good meal with Russ and a snuggle with the puppies. Or, since they say it is better than sex and I would have nothing to lose, maybe a big shot of heroin.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #8:
Do realize your childhood dream.
Don't worry about the inconsistencies on Gilligan's Island. (But if it was a three hour tour, why did the professor have stacks of books?)

- it wasn’t lada, it was the one-armed man

The Day of the Dolphin

2007-10-24T07:15:00.000-04:00

The beauty of a work trip to Mexico is that you get to go to Mexico for free. And since the company was paying for everything (except for sushi and drinks after 11:00 PM), Russ and I justified splurging a bit on some touristy type of stuff that we would normally pass on – we swam with the dolphins.

If you are like me, you have this lovely image of dolphins in your mind. They are smart and graceful, sleek, gentle, and downright magical. I believed these things until I got into the water with four of them and realized they are 750 pounds of pure muscle and sharp teeth. They are hard and rubbery – think the bat suit without the Val Kilmer nipples. (Dolphins have nipples, they are just tucked inside the body until a baby tongues them, then they pop out - this way they stay streamline. Same goes for the penis except I don’t believe any tonguing is required to pop it out.) The dolphin’s skin is very smooth as you would expect, and it stays this way because they shed it all every couple of hours. This means that when you pet it, your hand comes away covered in pieces of this weird rubbery grey skin. Not so magical.

And the teeth! The giant mouth full of all these sharp evil looking teeth right up in your face. And they bite each other all the time. You can see that all of them are covered in scars where they have mauled each other. The one that we spent the most time with (dolphin Tina) actually had a bloody gash on her side where another mother had snapped at her. So you spend $120 to pet the dolphins, and you get a handful of skin and blood in return.

Legend says that if you rub a dolphin’s belly button, it will bring you five years good luck. My advice to you, dear readers - when the dolphin rolls onto her back so that you may rub her lucky belly button, be sure to rub the actual belly button and not go anywhere near the other thing a few inches further down that is oozing a greenish substance that smells a bit fishy. And when that green ooze begins to break up and float towards you in a hundred, unavoidable pieces, just pretend like you are at the spa mud bath. Basically, if you have read this book and weren’t sure if it was fiction, I can promise you that it does apply to dolphins.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #7:
Do be a part of a threesome. (I'm not sure about this one...)
Don't use premium gas when regular is appropriate.

- a lada in the hand is worth two in the bush

Go Cubs Go

2007-10-05T17:14:00.000-04:00

This was a couple weeks ago when we went back to Chicago for vacation. Cubs beat the Reds in an amazing come from behind win. We were sitting out in the bleachers so Karen made this sparkly sign hoping we would be on TV. Anyone see us?

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #6:
Do throw a house party when your parents are out.
Don't try to figure out the lyrics to "Louie, Louie."

- lada spelled backward comes out adal

You Were Always On My Mind

2007-09-30T18:17:00.000-04:00

Six things I contemplate too often:

1. I wonder how I would distribute money to friends and family if I won the lottery? Is it better that I pay for your educations and homes or just give you a wad of cash? How much should I give and should it be in payments over time or in one lump sum? I have four grandparents, two parents, one sibling, six nieces and nephews, six aunts and uncles, twelve cousins, and countless friends (and that doesn't even begin to count Russ's side of the family which is at least three times the size of mine). Of course, I know next to nothing about how tax laws work in these situations so it is all just very loose speculation, but I have put quite a bit of thought into it. You should also know that I plan this stuff out having never (not ever) purchased a lottery ticket.

2. I wonder if I die suddenly alone in my home and no one finds me for several days, will my dogs begin to eat my decomposing body. (Also, which of the two will dig in first?)

3. I wonder when it will not be so nauseatingly hot in South Carolina.

4. I wonder if I am better off with locked or unlocked car doors. While at a stoplight I feel more secure with locked doors so I am not carjacked, obviously. But what if I end up in a lake or river and my brave rescuer dives into the freezing water to haul my unconscious body to safety but cannot get the stupid doors open because they are all locked? I don’t want to drown. Or suppose my car is on fire and I need to be out before everything starts exploding but the Jaws of Life won't be on the scene for another ten long minutes. How easy is it to break a car window and pull out a limp body while not being burned alive? Locked - unlocked – carjacking – drowning?

5. I wonder if (after 99 years) the Cubs will finally win the World Series.

6. I wonder if I will let my young children have cell phones. At what age? How many minutes a month? Can I monitor their text messages and take their cell phones away if they are uzn ne nglish dat l%ks NEthing lyk dis sht?* I like to have this type of child rearing stuff planned out in advance so fifteen years from now I will not have to make any decisions at all. Other popular children topics include: how many toys my children can have at age three, will I or won't I pay for their college, how can I force my children to appreciate the Beatles and Pink Floyd, what are acceptable dating ages, is it ethical to implant a chip into your children so you may track their every move, how much will said chip cost on the black market, etc.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #5:
Do make a discovery (Bigfoot, a new star, a new theory, an old fossil).
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona – just look at this guy's leg!

- lada, the other white meat

*Translation: "using any English that looks anything like this shit."

Three Shorties

2007-09-25T19:30:00.001-04:00

Family Visits
This is one of my nieces who didn't want her picture taken. I tried to explain that I must take pictures because she is growing up so fast, but she wasn't having it. Leah has a purple cast on her other arm because she broke her wrist falling out of her bunk-bed. The silly girl lost her balance when she reached too far over the side of the bed in an attempt to spin the ceiling fan by hand. At least Aunt lada was able to sign the cast while in town.
Here is a poster Leah drew for me with her sister Hannah. I am not really sure I fully understand the symbolism of the three suns, but I definitely dig it.

I Get Your Point - Now Quit Wasting Our Tax Dollars
State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. He said on Monday that it is to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. The lawsuit against the Almighty was filed on Friday and seeks an injunction ordering God to cease harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats. The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make threats of terror and grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts,* genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."

But you didn't think God was going to take this lying down did you? Oh no, God got a lawyer from Texas! The attorney, Eric Perkins responded, "Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction ... over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness."
As for the contention that God made threats of terrorism and inspired fear, Perkins wrote that God "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."

I briefly found this lawsuit entertaining/amusing. I then remembered how much our Judicial System costs and then I was peeved/irked/incensed/galled and perhaps even a bit vexed.

Easy Access Public Transportation?
Anyone who refers to the Chicago Transit Authority as the "C.T.A." or the Charlotte Area Transit System as "C.A.T.S" will be pleased with the acronym for Seattle's new South Lake Union Trolley.
Come on kids - let's all go ride the S.L.U.T.!

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #4:
Do catch a fish with your bare hands.
Don't eat snails, even when called “escargot.”

- if lada had a hammer, she'd hammer in the morning

*Can I get a "whoop, whoop!" for seven astonishing alliterations in a row?

For Stefens

2007-09-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

Chiefs vs. Bears
I am so torn! For many years I have safely cheered for the Chiefs as my AFC team and the Bears as my NFC team. In all those happy years I have never had to deal with the type of crisis that I will face this Sunday when the two are going to play each other. I am going to Chicago to go to the game, of course, but what color is a girl supposed to wear?
I lean toward Kansas City because I grew up Chiefs fan. I remember rushing home from mass Sunday mornings to make the kickoff. I remember watching the games with the television muted and the radio in the living room turned up because my dad preferred listening to the guys at 101 "The Fox" over the moronic television commentators. I remember learning how to poor a beer so it had just the right amount of head and eating endless green pistachios in front of the T.V. I remember sharing a drink with Tony Gonzalez and painting my toenails the perfect shade of Chief's red. Football Sundays in Kansas City were freaking awesome. Go Chiefs!
Then I moved to Chicago and, unable to watch many KC games, the Bears swooped in to fill my Sunday afternoon void. If I am married to the Chiefs, I have had a long, loving (at times, more fulfilling) affair with the Bears. Da Bears. The Coach. The Fridge. The Shuffle. The Monsters of the Midway. How can I go to a Bears game and not sing "Bear Down"? How can I walk through the columns of Soldier Field wearing red? And it isn't just the boys on the team, I love the people of Chicago and the city itself and to be in Chicago and cheer for the visiting team. . . not so smart. Russ has been calling me a traitor for weeks.

No matter whom I choose, there will be betrayal and guilt; I will probably need all sorts of therapy afterwards. (Or, more likely, my first stiff drink in six weeks. Yes, you read that correctly, I have been dry for six, effen weeks. Mmm, Effen Black Cherry. . . yum.)

While we are back in Chi-town we will also be seeing a Broadway play, a Fire soccer game, a couple of Cubs games, and we are thinking about squeezing in a Notre Dame game (or at least some South Bend tailgating). Add in some quality family time, a couple deep-dish pizzas, and some real fall weather and I am set for a good vacation.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #3:
Do win an award, trophy or prize.
Don't waste time hunting for the "best" parking spot.

- apparently lada is taking requests

Any Press is Good Press?

2007-09-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

Brittney made the paper. Chicago's Red Eye September 5, 2007 - page 55.
"The recent western-themed Glamorama party at Macy's brought out...a few cowboy hats."

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #2:
Do swim with the scariest, biggest, most intelligent and most colorful creatures in the sea.
Don't try to bathe with just a sliver of soap.

- lada stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum

Slanguage

2007-09-03T20:33:00.000-04:00

Merriam-Webster has announced the new words that will be added to the 2007 edition of the dictionary and a couple are portmanteaux: Ginormous (gigantic + enormous) and Crunk (crazy + drunk). Portmanteau was a word that meant a large suitcase that was divided into two separate compartments. The word took on a new meaning when Lewis Carroll used it in Through the Looking Glass to describe two separate words blended together into one word – specifically when Humpty D is explaining to Alice the meaning of various nonsense words in the Jabberwocky poem.

English lesson aside, I thought I would give you a few of my own personal favorite portmanteaux:

Compunicate (computer + communicate)
“Send me an email next week so we can compunicate about a plan for the meeting.”

Prostitot (prostitute + tot)
“Did that little girl’s parents actually let her out of the house dressed like a prostitot?”

Anticipointment (anticipation + disappointment)
“I was overwhelmed with anticipointment when the Cubs lost in 2003.”

Definotly (definitely + not)
“Will I go with you to your gynecologist appointment? Definotly.”

Sacrilicious (sacrilegious + delicious)
“The vegetarian enjoyed every sacrilicious bite of her fillet mignon.”

Chillax (chill + relax)
“Dude, I’m just chillaxing on the couch watching QVC.”

Posilutely (absolutely + positively)
“Do I want chocolate cake for breakfast? Posilutely!”

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #1:
Do write a best selling novel.
Don't watch the colorized version of It's a Wonderful Life.

- lada's is the face that launched a thousand ships

Why Are We So Stubborn?

2007-08-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

I try to entertain. I generally try to write amusing or witty or moving things that you will want to read. But, sometimes I write for myself because something will get into my head and whirl around and around and I just can’t sleep until I puke it out (à la 6/26/06). This post is that - all purge - a full blown hurricane of a rant – so feel free to skip it.

It started small, a thirty second commercial that I couldn’t forget. I think it was for Wal-Mart; I don’t remember all the specifics so I will give you the gist. It is a back to school commercial that shows clips of different children and their parents listing various uses for the children's new computers. The child says, “videogames” and then it cuts to the parent who says, “homework.” It continues like this, back-and-forth, email vs. research, chat rooms vs. spell check, until one kid says he spends a lot of time composing his own music on his laptop. It then cuts to his mother who says, in a snotty sarcastic voice, “Well, what he calls music.” Wow, that was way harsh. So let me get this straight, your 12-year-old son is putting his time and heart into a healthy, math-driven, creative outlet and you are going to call his efforts crap? Would you rather he was stealing cigarettes, knocking-up his girlfriend and joining a gang? Of course not, no make-believe TV mom in her right mind would want that, but does she think about that before she bashes his music? Even if she is right and his music sucks, does she consider that her insult might hurt his feeling and make him resent her? No, she just has an all-too-important opinion and since we are all so freaking self-centered, we think other people need to hear our opinions no matter the hurt it may cause or the damage it may do.

For example:

The confederate flag - Group A calls it a symbol of pride, a tribute to the men who died fighting for their ideals. Group B sees it as a flag that glorifies slavery and segregation. They are, of course, both right in their own ways. Now, when in the presence of this flag, Group B feels hurt, oppressed, angry, violated, frightened and degraded. When Group A is in this flag’s presence, they feel pride. Does one man’s pride justify another man’s pain? Of course not, duh. Group A is able to demonstrate their pride in many other ways and removing this flag cannot cause Group A anywhere near the same level of hurt and pain as flying the flag causes Group B. So in an effort to avoid arguments and confrontation, to be polite and decent, to show consideration for others' feelings (even if you don’t agree or understand them), the majority of America has taken down the flag. Most of us would agree that it is just common courtesy to strangers.

But if we think it is right and good to be this understanding of strangers’ feelings, why can we not seem to extend the same courtesy to our friends and loved ones? These are some examples that are (very, very loosely) based on my own life:

If I curse in front of your children, or my friend’s grandmother, or the checkout lady at the grocery store, if Faith asks me not to use the lord’s name in vain in front of her, I can tell them that I don’t give a damn - that I think a word is just a word and this is the way I talk, so they should get over it. I could ignore the request, but the discomfort it gives them is so much bigger than the effort it takes for me to say “oh, jeez” instead of “fucking christ.” And in doing so, we can continue to carry on our lovely conversation without anyone being irritated.

If Heather decides to marry a complete tool, I can choose to be mean to him. I can tell her that he is a loser and he will cheat and refuse to accept him as the man of her dreams. Or I can realize that whom she marries impacts her life so much more than mine, and then support her in her decision. I may never like the guy, but maintaining my relationship with my very best friend is worth dealing with a jerk occasionally.

If Russ thinks I am wearing a shirt that shows too much cleavage and he asks me to change, I can say no. I can tell him he is wrong, that he can’t control me and he should love me and my clothes the way we are. This would show him that I don’t value his opinion which will hurt his feelings and make him angry. Or, I can change into one of the hundreds of other (dazzling) outfits I own and then he is grateful, and happy. And I, in turn, am happy because he tells me I look hot instead of whorish.

In summary, open your eyes people. Quit being stubborn and realize that other people have feelings too. You may not agree with them or understand why they feel them, but know that they are there and nobody can control what they feel. So, take them into account next time. Weigh what you are giving up (a filthy vocabulary, cleavage, a nylon flag, a lousy opinion) with the potential harm it may cause to an important relationship.

Quote of the day (to lighten the mode) - Rita Rudner: "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

- lada feeds the birds, tuppence a bag

The Proof is in the Pudding?

2007-08-19T20:52:00.000-04:00

Did you hear about this image of Jesus that is made out of driveway sealant that appeared on a garage floor in Virginia? The chunk of concrete sold for some crazy amount of money on eBay. I hunted around for some other miracles and to my surprise, I found out that Jesus is popping up all over the place. Starting with this famous grilled-cheese Jesus:

. . . on an oyster shell . . .

. . . in a greasy pan . . .

. . . and in X-rays.

(I chose to not post the image of Jesus on a dog's bum [the anus is his head]. You can google it if you are really interested.)

So it seems the miracle of Christ's face is happening all around us. What I don't understand is how we know what Jesus looked like?

Quote of the day - Jesus: "I am the light that is over all things. I am all: from me all came forth, and to me all attained. Split a piece of wood; I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."

- lada is a one man rise in crime

Notable Quotables: The Answers

2007-08-18T14:49:00.000-04:00

The prize goes to Karen with four correct!

1) “For an actor, there is no greater loss than the loss of his audience. I can part the Red Sea, but I can’t part with you, which is why I won’t exclude you from this stage in my life.”
- Correct answer: Charlton Heston on Aug. 9, 2002, revealing he has Alzheimer’s.*

2) “Well, I can wear heels now.”
- Correct answer: Nicole Kidman to David Letterman in 2001, after her split from Tom Cruise.
- Best incorrect answer: Eddie Izzard

3) "Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”
- Correct answer: Michael Jackson, defending his practice of letting boys share his bed in a Feb. 3, 2003, interview with BBC’s Martin Bashir. This interview led to the molestation charges.

4) “You only lie to two people in your life, your girlfriend and the police. Everybody else you tell the truth to.”
- Correct Answer: Jack Nicholson in the April 1994 issue of Vanity Fair.
- Best incorrect answer: 90% of the male population

5) “I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you ... I bid you a very heartfelt goodnight.”
- Correct answer: Johnny Carson, saying his final goodbye on The Tonight Show, May 22, 1992.*

6) "Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”
- Correct answer: Whitney Houston in 2002 on ABC’s Primetime. She has since been through rehab several times.

7) “I’m too much of an erratic moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.”
- Correct answer: Kurt Cobain in his suicide note from April 5, 1994.
- Best incorrect answer: Austin Powers

8) "There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded."
- Correct answer: Princess Diana, in a 1995 BBC interview, on her marriage to Prince Charles.*
- Best incorrect answer: John F. Kennedy

9) “This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Diahann Carroll. It’s for the women that stand beside me ... And it’s for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened.”
- Correct answer: Halle Berry, at the 2002 Oscars, in her best-actress acceptance for Monster’s Ball. She’s the first black woman to win the category.*

10) “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”
- Correct answer: Mariah Carey on MTV’s TRL in 2001, before entering rehab for exhaustion.
- Best incorrect answer: Tiger Woods

- lada knows when to keep her mouth shut

*Correctly answered by the winner

Notable Quotables

2007-08-16T12:14:00.000-04:00

A funfunfun lada land game with a prize for the winner! Don't try and control your excitement, cheerful reader - let it run free!

These are ten quotes from famous/infamous people. See how many speakers you can correctly name. Email (don't post!) your answers to me at ladaland@gmail.com by Saturday at noon. The person who guesses the most correctly will win a superad prize.

NO CHEATING
NO LOOKING UP THE ANSWERS
USE MEMORY OR GOOD GUESSES ONLY!
(If you cheat you are a just a sad, loser with no self-confidence.)

1) “For an actor, there is no greater loss than the loss of his audience. I can part the Red Sea, but I can’t part with you, which is why I won’t exclude you from this stage in my life.”

2) “Well, I can wear heels now.”

3) “Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”

4) “You only lie to two people in your life, your girlfriend and the police. Everybody else you tell the truth to.”

5) “I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you ... I bid you a very heartfelt goodnight.”

6) “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”

7) “I’m too much of an erratic moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.”

8) "There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded."

9) “This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Diahann Carroll. It’s for the women that stand beside me ... And it’s for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened.”

10) “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”

GOOD LUCK

- lada will make your bell bottoms go ding-dong

Point: Amazon.com

2007-08-09T21:40:00.000-04:00

I am relaxing at the café in Barnes and Noble in Raleigh. I am enjoying my wholegrain bagel with cream cheese and trying to read the first few pages of the book I am buying, but distractions keep pulling my eyes up and away from the book. My attention is divided between trying to discern what language an elderly Indian women is teaching a college-age girl sitting to my left and a couple of loud, older Russian gents drinking coffee and playing chess sitting to my right (I can’t help but sneak frequent glances their way to see what the board looks like).

But the most distracting, is a younger guy - baggy jeans, black ball cap pulled low, wearing black sunglasses (inside, at 6:30 PM). This guy is sitting in front of me and he is flipping through a stack of women’s magazines. I occasionally look over his shoulder to see why this man is looking at all these girly fashion magazines and the longer I sit, the more I come to realize that he is not really interested in the articles but is taking his sweet time studying any photo of a hot, scantily clad chick. I am annoyed because he has a whole stack of these magazines on the table in front of him and the longer he sits and stares at the pictures, the more I expect that he will start to touch himself at any moment.

As I glance over, still trying to figure out why this tool doesn’t go somewhere other than a book store to get his rocks off, he reaches into his backpack in the seat next to him and pulls out a dark sweatshirt. Now, it was 103 degrees today in NC and this guy is already wearing black boots, jeans, and a long sleeve, button-up shirt. As he fiddles with the sweatshirt, I expect him to put it over his lap to hide whatever perverted thing he’s got going on there, but as I sneer at him, my scorn turns to confusion because he actually pulls the sweatshirt over his head. I sit and stare as he puts the sweatshirt on, trying to understand how this man could be cold; but then he reaches into his pack again and pulls out a square of black fabric. He folds the bandanna in half into a triangle, puts it up to his face and ties it around his head like a mask, covering his nose and mouth. So to clarify, this man is now in a black sweatshirt, black hat, and black sunglasses with a black bandanna tied over his face. Uh…umm… The next few seconds my mind searches for a reasonable explanation - maybe he is leaving the store and he is has a skin condition and can’t be in the sun, maybe he is highly sensitive to any dust in the air, maybe… no, no, no. This guy is just freaking scary. But in the few moments it takes for me to take in the situation and figure out what I should do (run, shout, duck) the guy picks up the magazine he was looking through and continues to flip pages. So I just sit and stare at this crazy fool while he drools over Jennifer Love Hewitt in a Hanes advertisement.

I ponder my situation - he appears to be alone; we are in a book store and not a bank; I don’t really have anything valuable on me; surely, if he were going to rob the place, he wouldn’t sit there this long, just waiting for someone to notice his bizarre appearance, right? And since I do not appear to be in any eminent danger, I continue to sit and watch because I know something is going to happen and the investigative reporter (that I never knew I had inside of me) is urging me to stay so I can file a full report of this incident to you, my inquisitive readers. Then I realize how stupid that is and so I get up to leave. I consider not buying the stack of books I am lugging and just bolting out the door, but this guy was creeping me out before he started dressing like a ghetto version of Al Capone and if something were to happen to any of the other shoppers after I just left without saying anything…

So I decide to walk right up to the guy and ask him to please state the nature of his business.

Only kidding - I head to the check out line and wait anxiously for my turn, expecting to hear some commotion coming from the café behind me at any minute. I get to the front and as the women scans my items, I casually ask if she had noticed the guy with the bandanna covering his face chilling in the back at one of the tables. She laughs a little and says a couple of the older guys that play chess there are sometimes odd, but I explain that this masked man is most assuredly not one of the innocents playing chess. She asks a few more questions (“He actually has a bandanna tired over his face?”) that I answer in a hushed whisper, trying to keep the entire line behind me from overhearing and starting a riot. She then politely informs me that I saved $3.10 with my membership card and that, as soon as she is done checking people out, she will be calling a manager to have a look at the guy. Unimpressed by her reaction, I reply, “Hope that works out okay for you. It is time for me to leave. Have a good night.”

As I walk out, I hold the door open for a heavy couple on their way into the store. I hear the women commenting on the crowded parking lot and she says, “this must be the place to be tonight.” I briefly consider warning them that, in fact, it might not be the place to be tonight, but I pass silently by them and don’t say anything - mostly because they didn’t bother to thank me for holding open the door. I toss by bag of books into my car, hop in, and literally drive off into the sunset.

(Yes, this story is a bit anti-climatic. For those disappointed by the true course of events, here is livelier ending: I ask the man to state the nature of his business but instead of replying he pulls out a gun! I use my Ju Jitsu skills to disarm him and then the Vulcan nerve pinch to sedate him! I searched his bag to see what other trouble he might be up to and inside I find a map to the missing body of Jimmy Hoffa! I am then awarded the Key to the City by the mayor of Raleigh and given free books for life from Barnes and Noble!)

Quote of the Day - Larry Stone, The Seattle Times: "Bonds won. He outsmarted technology, outlasted the critics, and outhomered the Hammer. Hail to the fraudulent king."

- lada doesn't miss the water until her well runs dry

Prick

2007-08-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

I just remembered that today is the day. It has been seven days since I made sure to fill in the entire outline of a circle drawn on the piece of paper with a sample of my blood and now the results are in. I don’t think I am positive – I have been with Russ for over five years and we are both healthy; however, these things can be dormant for years and it is a test I should have taken long ago. Arg. It is rather nerve racking, thinking I have to make that phone call – the adrenaline is flowing freely.

I am also concerned for the one who took the test with me.

We decided to three-way call for the results so we can be there for each other but she has to work and won't have time to call until later this afternoon. Crap, my hands are shaking…

- lada needs a date with Jack Daniels

3:58 PM update: My tests results aren't ready yet - stupid United States Postal Service and their slow delivery times. No worries, I'll try again tomorrow. Karen, on the other hand, is negative - yay!

10:03 AM update: Results are in - negative. Cool. Bring on the intravenous drugs and sexual promiscuity, for I am obviously indestructible!

Eat My Shorts

2007-07-23T10:04:00.000-04:00

The Cerne Abbas Giant is an 180-foot high outline of a giant, naked man carved into the steep hillside in Dorset, England. The 17th century carving is formed by a trench that is about a foot wide and has long been a revered symbol of fertility among pagans. Today childless couples are known to visit the site in order to copulate in the hope that the very phallic symbol could assist with the conception of a child.
In celebration of the upcoming Simpsons movie, a giant Homer Simpson brandishing a doughnut was outlined in water-based biodegradable paint to the left of the Cerne Abbas giant.

I also discovered that on the The Simpsons website you can create your very own yellow-skinned characters. I decided to make a few of my most handsome readers into official Springfield residents.

C.A.G.E.

GOGO

D

HEED

Quote of the day - Homer Simpson: "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

- I'm lada, who the hell are you?

♪ ♫ I Want To Hold Your Hand ♪

2007-07-17T21:04:00.000-04:00

I was walking in the grocery store parking lot today and noticed in front of me a father holding hands with his daughter. The thing about them that caught my attention was the fact that the daughter was a little too old to be holding hands – maybe ten. As soon as I noticed her age (past the point of needing supervision when crossing a street), I was reminded of the last time I was able to hold hands with my father.

If I remember correctly, I was a little younger than this girl and oddly enough, we were also walking together in the grocery store parking lot. I love my dad and I loved holding hands with him and I vividly remember on this day years ago, as I reached up for the familiar touch, he told me no. He said I was too old and that we couldn’t hold hands anymore. At first I was hurt and sad. Although I didn’t have a name for it at the time, innocence lost is one of the tragedies of growing up and I really felt it at that moment. Of course, if you know me at all you won’t be surprised to know that the sadness was rather quickly replaced by a stubborn anger. I was still too naïve to know about pedophiles and those horrors, but I had some concept of age appropriate dating, so I assumed that my father was concerned that the other shoppers at the grocery store would simply think we were dating and that they would frown upon it because he was too old for me. My nine-year-old answer to this was that I didn’t care. I loved my dad and he loved me and we should be able to show affection for each other and anyone who wanted to think dumb things or judge us could go to hell (I doubt I was actually thinking “go to hell” at that age, but I’m sure all the same piss and vinegar was behind whatever I was actually thinking at the time). But it didn’t matter what I thought about the hand-holding because there was obviously no arguing with Dad. Still, it was tough.

So today, as I walk behind this girl and her dad, I smile a little, glad that she still has that pleasure that I had to give up years ago. But then I think it IS a little odd - she IS a bit old for that sort of thing - they ARE making me a little uncomfortable because now I know TOO much about pedophiles and their like and I start looking at the pair differently. I start to check their body language for anything odd - I look at her face to see if she seems unhappy - I look at how tightly he is holding her and if he is pulling her along at all. And then I found my were eyes welling up with tears because my relationship with my father at that age was innocent and I’m sure that their relationship is innocent but it is an evil world we live in and I was so torn between smiling and enjoying the cuteness of the pair and thinking the most horrifying thoughts about them. The back-and-forth in my head was just so utterly wrong (such a warm memory mixing with such a feeling of revulsion) that I cried a little at the mess of it.

All of this in the twenty or so seconds it took for us to cross the parking lot and get to the sliding glass doors of the store.

In the end I was made more comfortable. He let go of her hand, gave her a gentle, very fatherly cuff on the back of the head and reached for a cart. He then said something to her in a language I couldn’t quite place and I relaxed some more under the assumption that their home country simply doesn’t have quite the taboo that America does about adult men and girls. They are probably unaware of how people in this country might react to what they see as a natural, tender act. Or maybe they are perfectly aware of what those of us who are judging them are thinking and they figure we can all just go to hell!

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The original single sleeve photograph for the Beatles' song "I Want to Hold Your Hand" featured a group shot in which Paul McCartney is clearly holding a lit cigarette. When the single was re-released by Capitol on its 20th anniversary, the cigarette was airbrushed out of the photograph. However, by the release of the 30th anniversary, the smoke was firmly back in place.

- lada's tell-tale heart

Bateau est Beau

2007-07-09T19:08:00.000-04:00

There seems to be a lot of boat naming talk floating around in my life lately (get it, floating - wink, nudge) and it reminded me of a ship's name I saw on some television show or movie. I remembered thinking it was a clever name that was a play on some foreign phrase, but couldn't seem to recall what it was. So, I went online to hunt it down. I never figured out what the show was (some 007 movie perhaps?), but I did find the name of the boat - Sea Vous Play. ("S'il vous plaît" is of course, "please" in French.) And during the hunt for this particular name, I came across many others that were just too damn clever.

For Fun
Aye Candy
Hipnautic
Molly Brown
First Born
Tip-Sea
Nauti and Nice
Clairbuoyant
Pier Pressure
Which Craft?
Flip Me Over and Pour Me Out (written upside down)*
Ship Happens
Running Errands

Sea Life
A-fishionado
Just for the Halibut
That's a Moray
Bass Ackwards
~~Street~~ Sea Urchin

For the Sailboat
Sail la Vie
Between the Sheets
For Sail
Mast Confusion

Hollywood
Cod Father
Scene Isle
Isle Be Back
Bait's Motel
A Three Hour Tour

Specific Ethnicity
Czech Mate
Irish Ayes
Sea Señor
Ahoy Vey

Job Related
Tooth Ferry
Freudian Ship
A Loan At Sea
A Born Sails Man
Gone Fission
Sea + +
Port Folio
Aquasition

And these two took me a moment to figure out
A One Anna Tuna
Noah Genda

Quote of the day - the Water Rat (of Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame): "Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats. Simply messing."

- lada swabs the poop deck

*I came up with this one on my own and I must say, I am quite proud of it.

Ill Communication

2007-07-07T23:37:00.000-04:00

I am sick. Ug – getting sick in July is just stupendously crappy. And I have gotten one of those colds that make me feel like snot is coming out of practically every orifice of my body. My nose is so red and raw from blowing that I can only be happy if I am blowing my nose in the sink or in a hot and steamy shower and avoiding all contact with that rough paper. Ah water, nature’s softest tissue. Yeah, I know that is pretty gross, but I'm not going to try and sugarcoat mucus for you. (This is what the Kleenex box says: “Always within reach! Kleenex Tissue is always there when you need it, popping up in all sorts of places to help you though life’s little ups and downs.” Ha-ha, get it? Popping up! Yuk, Yuk.)
Now here is what happens when you get sick: people hear your nasally voice, hacking cough and fog-horn nose blowing and, although it seems pretty obvious, they ask if you are sick. Now ideally, the sick individual (in this case, me) would come back with some witty answer – unfortunately I think the boogers have slowed my usually ninja fast brain synapses, because I cannot seem to come up with anything clever to say. My best snotty response (pun intended) to the “are you sick?” question: “Only if you mean sick as in crazy, cool or insane!” However, this is obviously a retarded answer so I will not ever actually use it.
Another common occurance when you are ill is getting advice on how to cure yourself. Over the last few days I have heard:
1. Hot compress over the eyes
2. Take a Claritin-D
3. Head over a pot of boiling water
4. Avoid dairy products (they increase mucus production)
5. Smear some vasaline under the nose
6. Drink hot tea

And my favorite advice:

Not-a-doctor: You sound sick.
lada: Yeah, I have a cold
N.a.D.: Maybe you should go to the doctor.
lada: Eh, what are they going to do? I’ll get over it eventually.
N.a.D.: Well, they can give you some medication.
lada: (Seeing where this is going but having to ask anyway) What is a doctor going to do?
N.a.D.: I don’t know. I’m sure they have something to get rid of a regular cold.
lada: Something for the common cold?
N.a.D.: Some antibiotics or something.
lada: Yeah, but it is a virus so I don’t know how effective. . .
N.a.D.: (Backing away) Ew! You have a virus! Stay away from me, I don’t want to catch what you’ve got.
lada: Er. . .
N.a.D.: You shouldn’t be working! Go home and go to the doctor.
lada: Okay.*

Quote of the day – Reese’s advertisement: “They say sex is better than chocolate, but what about chocolate AND peanut butter?”

- lada is not a significant source of calories or vitamin C

*In case you are confused about why this conversation was amusing to me, I will elaborate. Antibiotics are used to treat illnesses caused by bacteria (e.g., syphilis, the plague) but are fairly useless against illnesses caused by viruses (e.g., a cold, H.I.V.). I thought it was widely known there is no cure for the common cold and I used to find it humorous that she didn’t know this, but since mentioning H.I.V., things don’t seem quite as funny as they did at the time. Um. Well, Dr. Heather promised she will work on a cure for the cold, but in the mean time, prevention is the key. Wash you hands and wear a condom.

For No Other Reason

2007-07-02T17:30:00.000-04:00

1. If you had a boat, what would you name it?

2. What would you like to eat for your last meal?

3. I know you are but what am I?

4. Do you scrunch or fold toilet paper?

5. What color crayon would taste best?

6. What happens if every NFL team goes 8-8?

Quote of the day - E.C.: "We really didn't have any pregnancy scares. She may have had pregnancy scares, but I understood science."

- how much is that lada in the window?

Oh Yes, This Is Nasty

2007-06-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Heather,
I know you don't like your feet. Although the rest of us see them as perfectly normal, cute little feet, you think they are ugly and dislike people looking at them (let alone touching them). Well, a local radio station is running a contest for the ugliest feet. Here are a few of the choicest entries.

Seriously, compared to these, you could be a foot model. Go buy yourself some strappy sandals, love.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The skin on the soles of your feet is twenty times thicker than anywhere else on your body.

- what is lada's major malfunction?

Room #201

2007-06-20T21:52:00.002-04:00

I am in my hotel room in Raleigh and there is something funny going on in room #201. I know this because I am in room #203. I am currently going back and forth between two working theories of what exactly is happening next door:

1. He is taking his time torturing and/or killing her
2. They are fucking like pumas

I am fairly sure it is the latter, but every once in a while, the yelling and thumping reach such a loud pitch that it really makes me wonder. I suppose if he were physically harming her, she would probably be yelling something like, "help!" or maybe, "please stop torturing and/or killing me!" or at least, "ouch, these thumbscrews hurt!"
What she is yelling (over and over and over in that my-brain-is-too-preoccupied-to-think-of-anything-new-to-say kind of way) is, "damnbabydamnbabydamnbaby!" I also heard him say something one time, but I shall not repeat it in mixed company; however, to give you an idea, it was in the middle of what sounded like a spanking (or some sort of slapping torture) and a period of particularly fierce wall thumping.
The thing is, I really am a prude about this kind of thing. Granted, I am a 26-year-old prude not a 90-year-old prude, but some things still make me blush. I have thought about knocking on the wall to alert them to my presence, but the problem is, I am too nice. They really sound like they are in the middle of something quite. . . er, intense, and a sudden intrusion from a stranger would be a mother of a mood killer. I just picture the shocked, then embarrassed looks that would be on both of their faces. (I am only picturing faces, mind you - nothing below the neck.) Then in the morning we would both walk our of our rooms at the same time and would look over at each other and try not to make eye contact. Then the three of us would get stuck riding in the elevator together - awkward.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets. (There, that should keep at least some of you from having sex tonight.)

- lada is killing you softly with her song

Panda Panda Panda

2007-06-19T11:43:00.000-04:00

Remember Genarlow Wilson, the poor kid thrown in prison for getting some? His ten year prison sentence has been voided. YAY! But then the Georgia Attorney General filled an appeal, so he is still behind bars. BOO! (Here is the ESPN article that Tim sent to me if you want all the details.)
Georgia is pretty low on my state list right now. What good comes out of that state? And don't say peaches because South Carolina grows more peaches than Georgia. (Oh and the Braves. Come on, really?)
Since six of the seven wonders of the world don't exist anymore, the world is voting on what the new wonders should be. (Just don't vote for the Eiffel Tower, please.)
In case you aren't sure, here is what you should do after you've won the lottery.
I saw (and killed) my first black widow yesterday. I have nothing more to say about that.
Another great story that Tim sent me. This one is about a roller coaster losing power while the train was upside down. Yikes.
I know this post isn't very enlightening, but at least I can make you laugh with a fifteen second video of an amusing panda. (Let this one load before you watch it - patience is a virture.)

Quote of the day - comedian: "I have a confession, I am addicted to hot turkey sandwiches. The only way I am going to be able to quit is to go cold turkey."

(Oh come on, you know something in this post made you giggle.)

- lada is armed to the teeth

I'll Only Complain About This Once

2007-06-11T00:08:00.000-04:00

It is depressing that an amazingly well written show like Studio 60, is being cancelled because the ratings are not as high as some other lame show NBC has like Deal or No Deal.
You can watch a couple great scenes from Thursday night's Studio 60 here. Or (if you still read) this is a part of the transcript:

(Crisis: Matt walks in and finds Harriet on her knees praying)

Matt: Does that ever just feel like busy work?
Harriet: No.
Matt: We’ve been having this fight for eight years haven’t we?
Harriet: Yes, and you’ve lost every time.
Matt: Mary Tate is upstairs talking to people on the phone who do things and you’re kneeling and praying? As if that’s action.
Harriet: It is.
Matt: Harry. . .
Harriet: ‘My people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves and pray that I will hear them from Heaven and will forgive their sins and will heal their land.’
Matt: You are believing in a fairy tale.
Harriet: I am believing that God protects his children.
Matt: Then why the hell didn’t he give the hijackers massive coronaries before they reached for the box cutters?
Harriet: I can’t explain God’s ways to you because I can’t understand them myself. No one can.
Matt: Well, isn’t that convenient for God.
Harriet: I would imagine if I were God, I would make things as convenient for myself as possible.
Matt: Do you understand that this represents an inexplicable lapse of common sense?
Harriet: It’s not a weakness to have faith.
Matt: It’s not a weakness to take responsibility either.
Harriet: I don’t disapprove of what you believe.
Matt: You think I am going to burn in Hell for what I believe!
Harriet: Yeah, I do worry about that. . .
Matt: Isn’t it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man and Joseph stepped up so that his wife wouldn’t get stoned to death by the village?
Harriet: No.
Matt: It’s more likely that an angel inseminated her and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet: He’s not David Copperfield!
Matt: Why do you have to believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ to know that robbing a bank is wrong and picking someone up off the ground is right?
Harriet: That’s like asking why you think you need to believe in gravity to know if you throw a rock off a ledge it is going to hit somebody in the head.
Matt: Science isn’t something you believe in – science has to proven, or they don’t get to call it science.
Harriet: What would be great is if you knew something about Christians before you start…
Matt: It’s a fairy tale!
Harriet: No, it’s not!
Matt: We've been having this fight for six months.
Harriet: We've been having this fight for two years!
Matt: We have been having this fight in two different millennia now!
Harriet: . . .
Matt: You really would’ve thought that one of us would have won by this point.
Harriet: Oh Matt, I just love you is all. It’s okay that you’re a heathen.
Matt: Well, I appreciate that.
Harriet: Come pray with me.
Matt: . . .
Harriet: I’ll show you how. You’ll learn something new.

In stark contrast, you can watch this week's Deal or No Deal here. Or read this transcript:

Howie: I need your decision Beverly. Deal or no deal?
Beverly Futch: Howie, that's a lot of money and I ain't never had that much money and I've tried a couple times now to find that five dollars and I ain't been able to find it. If I knock out that $400,000, I'm doomed.

I think we are all doomed.

Quote of the day - random guy: "I'd be a Cubs fan for her!"

- lada exits, stage left

Wanted: Ghetto Moniker

2007-06-07T09:40:00.000-04:00

We are heading to Atlanta this weekend with Karen for the Cubs series (suh-weet!) which got me to thinking. If:

Atlanta is "The ATL" or "Hotlanta" or "A-Town"
Las Vegas is "Sin City"
Cincinnati is "The Nati" (or sometimes "Da Nasty Nati")
Indianapolis is "The Nappy" or "Naptown"
Charlotte is "The Web"
Kansas City is "KC-Mo"
Orlando is"O-Town"
Chicago is "Chi-town"
Seattle is "Latteland"
Buffalo is "B-Lo"
Charleston is "Chucktown"
Tampa is "Tampsterdam"
St. Louis is "The Lou" or "The STL"
Dallas is "The big D"
Raleigh is "Ruff Raleigh"
Hell, even Witchita is "Ta Town"

. . .then why can't I find a über cool gangsta name for Columbia, South Carolina? Not having a stellar nickname makes the enitre city seem rather pathetic. So, put your thinking caps on homies - we need to use our brains to remedy this situation super fast.

Urban Dictionary word of the day: Puzzle Butt

- lada is a four letter word

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

2007-06-03T20:27:00.000-04:00

I must change my top ten to my top eleven because I have recently discovered volcanoes. More specifically, the type that are constantly erupting! In Costa Rica we went to see Arenal Volcano. This volcano was dormant for hundreds of years until July, 1968 when it blew off the west side of the mountain and killed 87 people in the nearby villages of Pueblo Nuevo and Tabacón (where we stayed). It has been erupting every day since, typically every five or ten minutes. Major eruptions: 1968, 1975, 1984, 1993, 1996, 1998, 2000

(Love this picture, but I didn't take it.) See how it looks like it has two peaks. The right peak is the old peak and has not erupted for over 400 years (hence the green color). The left peak, where the side blew off in 1968, is only forty years old and is where all current eruptions take place. The new peak, which started as a hole at the base of the volcano, gains about two feet a year in height and has just recently surpassed the height of the older, inactive peak.Unfortunately, it tends to be super cloudy in the Volcán Arenal area, so three of the four days we were there it was hidden by rain clouds. We were lucky to get one clear morning and were able to get some great pictures and see an awesome eruption. It isn't as visually stunning during the day because the lava doesn't appear red, but it is quite awe inspiring. And more than a little alarming - the signs warning "area of high volcanic activity - enter at own risk" don't help.

For miles around you can hear the volcano making this nearly constant grumbling noise that sounds a lot like thunder. This is a recording of Arenal. If you get closer you can actually hear the plopping noises of the lava spewing out. I couldn't find any audio of the actual lava coming out but if you imagine the sound of a really fat person's thigh slapping together you are pretty close to what spewing lava sounds like. Thick and sticky.
On a note completely unrelated to fatty thighs - this is Dr. Heather with a starfish on her head during our snorkeling expedition.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.

- lada likes to spoon (she also likes to fork)

Why Did the Sloth Cross the Road?

2007-05-29T16:28:00.000-04:00

Every moment of the past two weeks has been an adventure. Some moments were thrilling, some were so beautiful I wanted to cry, some were. . . well, how can I put this delicately. . . uncomfortable, some were relaxing, and there was one moment that left all three of us cowering under our sheets in fright. My total numbers ended up like this: 9 mosquito bites, 1 puking-on-the-side-of-the-road hangover, 2 bitchin bruises, 14 straight days of rain, 1 call to the front desk at 1:30 in the morning about a bug in our hotel room, 1 minor sunburn, and 0 diseases/parasites. The rain I won't complain about too much. We knew we were going to a rain forest in the rainy season (I took this picture in the Monteverde Cloud Forest) but by the end of the trip, our suitcases were smelling more than a little dank and I was really hoping to be able to dry out once I got back to the States; but alas, the weekend I spent in Indiana was just as wet as the Costa Rican rainforest.

I have been itching to sit down and get these stories down on (virtual) paper before I start forgetting details, but now that I finally have my laptop open in front of me, it seems like such a monumental tasks. So many things to remember, I don't even know where to start.

I'll start with the sloth
On our way to the river to go white water rafting, we came upon a sloth in the road. We stopped in the street and got out, though I assumed it was road kill because he didn't appear to be moving much. Lucky for the sloth, he was quite alive. He was just having a rather difficult time crossing the road because when they are not hanging from trees, sloths use their arms to pull themselves along on their bellies, and there are not many handholds for a sloth on a paved road.

And although we had traffic stopped on our side of the road, he kept trying to cross to the other side where the traffic (which included a large number of Mack trucks) was not showing any signs of slowing. Our guide kept grabbing the poor guy by his hind legs and pulling him back away from the center of the road, but the determined sloth would just re-start his sloooow moving pace to get to the other side of the road.

Eventually, our guide Danny, picked him up by the scruff on his lower back and carried him safely to the other side where he made himself much more comfortable back in the first tree he could find.

Quote of the day - some Irish guy pointing to his head: "It's not just a hat rack!"

- lada is business in the front and a party in the back

Don't Let Your Brain Get Mushy

2007-05-14T22:14:00.000-04:00

While I am gone - something to entertain and stimulate and frustrate and amuse and confuse. I finally got sick of trying at number 92. (See if you can beat that, suckers.) Some I can explain the answers, some I cannot - but perhaps you can. For instance, number 43 is Tom Cruise - what does that mean? Oh, and I do highly encourage team work (it is the only way you have a shot of beating me, mwa ha ha.) It takes a minute to load so be patient. Good luck.

HINTS IF YOU NEED THEM:
4. Literally
15. Basketball
17. Don't click it unless it is the right answer
18. My, my, my, my music hits me so hard
29. Egg mayonnaise
32. Sham - poo
33. Literally
40. The other finger
45. Potatoes Fly. (1)Indeed (2)WRONG (3)Why not? (4)R U crazy
55. Which game system do you play?
57. Sesame Street (AH, AH, AH!)
59. Fast finger
64. Not a dozen
66. lada will never, ever use more than one in a row
67.
75. Under the 75 quick!
76. Sing the song (or listen to my wedding CD)
83. Would you rather read or solve math problems?
86. Shrek's father-in-law
87.
91. Rip

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Rhode Island is the smallest state with the longest name. The official name, used on all state documents, is "Rhode Island and Providence Plantations."

- lada will blow you a raspberry (cause apples and pears are mean)

Nerves of Pudding

2007-05-12T08:51:00.000-04:00

Heather and Stacy and I are taking a trip. To Latin America. Why aren't we going to Orlando like all the other normal tourists, you ask? Because we are adventure seekers! (Or something like that.) Actually I am a bit nervous about my approaching trip to Costa Rica.

Vaccines the Center for Disease Control recommends:
Hepatitis A
Hepatitis B
Malaria
Rabies
Typhoid
Yellow Fever
Tetanus booster
Measles booster

Of course I didn't get any of these vaccines. Why? I am lada (read: an idiot). I laugh in the face of danger and disease. Hahahaha! Of course, if I swallow a mosquito while I am laughing hysterically, I am screwed. . .
In reality, I am not going to have sex with any of the locals so we can rule out Hep. B. I will wear insect repellent (they still sell it with DEET down there, whoopee!) so rule out Yellow Fever and Malaria. I will definitely be sticking to bottled water so knock off Hep. A and Typhoid. I don't plan on getting close enough to any of the monkeys to let them bite me which takes care of Rabies and Tetanus. And anything that is left, I am going to leave in the very capable hands of the two medical doctors who are going to be sharing my hotel room. (On that note, Heather is graduating this weekend - she is a rock star. Maybe, if I get the Typhoid, I can be her first official patient as an M.D. What a story to tell our grandchildren, Heed!)

A description of the driving conditions in Costa Rica:

. . . driving in Costa Rica is for people with nerves of steel. The roads vary from good (the Interamericana) to barely passable (just about everywhere else). Even the good ones can suffer from landslides, sudden flooding and fog. Most roads are single lane and winding, lacking hard shoulders; others are dirt-and-mud affairs that climb mountains and traverse rivers.
Drive defensively. Always expect to come across a cyclist, a broken-down vehicle, a herd of cattle, slow-moving trucks or an ox cart around the next bend. Unsigned speed bumps are placed on some stretches of road without warning. (The locals lovingly refer to them as muertos, ‘dead people.’)
Most roads are inadequately signed and will require at least one stop to ask for directions. Always ask about road conditions before setting out; a number of roads become impassable in the rain.

The problem with this is the first sentence, "driving in Costa Rica is for people with NERVES OF STEEL." Umm, do you people know me? I do not have any nerves when it comes to driving in the rain. Especially at night, in the fog, on one-lane, winding mountain roads. I need a drink just thinking about it. And drinking probably won't help the overall situation. Did I mention cell phones don't work. Sweet life.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh Crap
Scorpions, tarantulas, snakes, and even frogs.

Different kind of frogs, for example a small red one, are poisonous and should not be touched. If it should happen by accident, do not touch your mucous membranes of the eye, mouth or nose which can absorb the poison. Be sure to wash your hands well after being in the wild.

Did I mention the tarantulas? So, this is what it boils down to for me. . .

What a choice. We are leaving on Wednesday (so say your final farewells before we go) and after ten days in Costa Rica, a stop in South Bend to play bridesmaid, and another stop in Indianapolis for the Indy 500, I will be getting home on Memorial Day.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: In the interest of science, researches exposed their chests, arms and legs to a swarm of mosquitoes. They recorded as many as 9,000 bites per person, per minute. At that rate, an unprotected person would lose about half of his blood supply in two hours.

- lada's the sound that's buzzing 'round your head

Where am I?

2007-05-08T08:04:00.000-04:00

Two situations where I felt out of place:

I went to the doctor the other day and noticed that I was the only white person there – the ten or so other patients, the receptionist, the assistants, the doctor – all black. And although I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering what the white girl was doing there, I sat there determined to make this office visit just like any other doctor visit because I am not affected by the color of a person’s skin. And not only was I determined to make this visit like any other doctor’s office visit, but five minutes into the wait and I had already decided that I was going to keep this doctor as my regular doctor and come back every year because, dammit, I am not affected by the color of a person’s skin.

It is a fairly nice office after all, I thought to myself while sitting in the waiting room, it looks clean and modern; it isn’t like it is in the ghetto or anything. NO WAIT! If I say that this office isn’t in the ghetto, am I then implying that another office with all black people would be in the ghetto? Am I treading on “Barrack is clean” ground? But I didn’t mean it that way! I'm not affected by the color. . . (whimper)

Of course by the end of the visit I knew I wasn’t going back – not for any racial reasons - the visit was fine. The problem was the shady doctor scheduled me for another appointment in six months. She didn’t even ask, just wrote me a prescription for only six months and handed me a slip of paper on my way out with my next appointment printed on it. I didn’t even get to pick the day of the week. This is a problem for me because I should only need to go in every twelve months to get my prescription and my insurance only covers one check up a year so I would have to pay for this silly six month visit out of my own pocket. Not happening, people. Dr. Heather agreed with me that it was a cheap scam for the office to get more money.
So, time for a new doctor.

Situation 2:

A couple weeks ago I was in Palm Springs for work. They set us up at pretty nice resort and gave us an afternoon out of the conference room to enjoy the California weather. They also gave us some spending cash, so that day I headed over to the resort’s spa for a little R & R. Now picture the type of person you think would be in Palm Springs, at a resort, at a spa - are you picturing a some rich, too tan women? I know what you didn’t picture is a group of guys who work at Guitar World. They were apparently also there for a work conference and were also taking the afternoon off.
So there I sit in the relaxation room waiting for my manicure appointment. I am the only one dressed. I am the only female. I am surrounded by a bunch of big, burly, mohawked, tattooed, middle-aged men in short, white, terrycloth bathrobes. They are sitting around holding their glasses of cucumber water waiting for their various spa treatments and having discussions like this one:

Potbelly: Rose is doing my facial today
Braided Goatee: Hell yeah! Rose is the best. I had her yesterday. I got the cleansing mask.
Potbelly: I heard she was really good. I'm stoked.
Braided Goatee: Rock on, dude.

Just another relaxing day at the spa.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

- lada is an open book (but you don't know which page to turn to, do you?)

Baby*

2007-04-25T16:13:00.000-04:00

Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder
Beautiful Boy - John Lennon
Gracie - Ben Folds
Baby Baby - Amy Grant
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel
Family Affair - Sly & The Family Stone
Baby Boy - Beyoncé
Cry Like a Baby - The Box Tops
My Darling - Wilco
Hey Baby - No Doubt
Mother and Child Reunion - Paul Simon
Mamma Mia - ABBA
Flowers in the Window - Travis
Take Good Care of My Baby - Dion
You Mama You - Jude
. . . Baby One More Time - Fountains of Wayne
B-A-B-Y - Carla Thomas
We Will Rock You - Linda Ronstadt
Blessed - Elton John
My Mom - Tony Bennett
Baby Love - The Supremes
My Darling Child - Sinéad O'Connor
Baby - UB40
You Are the Sunshine of My Life - Stevie Wonder

- lada is decidedly not pregnant

*Current iPod playlist (for the Christopher James baby shower. . .)

Shopping Tribulations (a.k.a. My Life Is Sooo Hard!)

2007-04-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

Don't you hate when you accidentally wear a red shirt when you go shopping at Target? You know, the store that has no dress code other than "wear some type of shirt that is some shade red." Then the people-think-you-work-at-Target-because-you-have-on-a-red-shirt thing happens and they ask you where the Vaseline or Slimfast is located. Now, these are logical questions since the Slimfast is not with the other food products, but in the pharmacy area and the Vaseline is not in the pharmacy, but is located in the baby area. But after you tell the customers this information they wander off without much thanks because they assume Target is showing you its own appreciation for answering customers' questions by paying you a salary. Not the case you fools.
And yet it is easier to just quickly answer their questions then to try and explain to them that you don't actually work at Target because then you have to listen to them apologize and be all embarrassed and then you have to tell them that it is cool, and that you understand why they would assume you work at Target because you are wearing a red shirt. Then everyone has to smile all friendly like. Haha, this was just a silly little mistake between strangers. Oh so freaking hilarious. Grrrr. . .

What is worse is when you wear a shirt that you just purchased, back to shop at the same store where the shirt was just purchased. Then you are standing there wearing a shirt that is the exact replica of ten other shirts hanging on a rack in front of you. Idiot. You get worried that when you leave the store wearing the shirt, someone is going to think you are stealing the shirt - until you realize that you spilled oatmeal on your shirt that morning, so if anyone does think you stole the shirt as you leave the store, you can point out this stain as the evidence that you had in fact, purchased the shirt prior to breakfast. But no one stops you and accuses you of stealing the shirt - which is good - probably because they could already spot the oatmeal stain a mile away - which is bad.

They will however, stop you and paw through your stuff because they think you are stealing if you are wearing jeans you bought six months ago from The Gap that set off the sensor today at Old Navy. And then they lecture you about not cutting the tag off merchandise, tell you where the tag is located, and explain how to cut off the tag (gasp, with scissors!).
To which I say: Shut it you, or I'll cut off YOUR tag!

. . . grumbling. . . more grumbling. . . and I'm done.

I was sent this link to help with my future studies. (lada is really moving up in the world of pee receptacles.) Thanks D.

I'm off to work in Palm Springs for the week so pardon my slow responses to phone calls or emails. Text is your best bet.
Oh, and go Chicago - 2018 Olympics here we come!

Quote of the day - Tim: "No, not to my knowledge, unless I become some somnambulist Hyde who trolls for victims in the dead of night."

- make all checks payable to: lada

T.I.L. (This is lada)

2007-04-10T08:37:00.000-04:00

My life has been fairly dull lately, hence the lack of new posts. So, since I have no interesting rants, I am going to give you a story from my past. To the best of my knowledge, I have never told this story to anyone, ever. In fact I am not so sure about telling it to you now. . . ah screw it, I was only six, you can't judge me.

I always wanted to be a doctor. As far back as I can remember, I was interested in the human body and how it functioned. This meant that in high school I took the advanced science classes like microbiology. However, in first grade, kids are still learning how to read and there is not a lot of focus on exploring the human body - so I was left to explore on my own. (You can tell it is going to be messy just from that last sentence, right?)
I'm not sure if was premeditated; if I had deliberately sought a container. Or, perhaps the circumstances were just right for my six-year-old brain to say "Eureka, I've got a great idea!" Either way, I ended up in the bathroom with an empty Tic Tac container. (Oh yes, fearless reader, it is going to be B-A-D, bad.)
Now my idea was to take home a small sample of pee and study it. Let me repeat that. My idea was to take home a small sample of pee and study it. So, I filled the Tic Tac container, finished up, snuck back into the classroom ninja style palming the little plastic container (although, for someone who is six, palming probably means I had it in a tight little fist hidden behind my back), went to the back of the class where the coats and mittens were, and tucked the pee-filled container safely into the front pocket of my first grade backpack thinking, "I am awesome!"
At the end of the school day, I grabbed my pack, threw it onto my back, ran to the bus, tossed it onto the bus seat and sat down next to it to wait for my stop.
I rode the bus home as normal - probably joined all the other kids in singing whatever song came on the radio. Usually it was the Beach Boys' song "Kokomo." All the kids on the bus loved when that song came on; we all sang at the top of our lungs, "Arbua, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take you to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama. Key Largo, Montego. . ." Oops, here's my stop.
I noticed, as I hopped off the bus in front of my house, that my backpack was now wet and stinking of urine. Not good. My faithful Tic Tac container had betrayed me and leaked; how unfortunate for me. I walked into the house to face my mom. This was not going to be fun. I played out a few scenarios out in my head:

Mom: Why does your backpack smell like pee?
little lada: I wanted to study my urine so I can be a doctor when I grow up. I took a small sample of pee and kept it in an empty Tic Tac container. Unfortunately, it leaked. Perhaps you could provide me with some more acceptable equipment so in the future I can run my experiments without any more of these issues.
Mom: That was dumb. What is wrong with you?

I knew that scenario wasn't going to work out well at all. Hell, at that point, even I knew I was an idiot. This is what I said instead:

Mom: Why does your backpack smell like pee?
little lada: (In the saddest six-year-old voice) I had to go on the bus but I didn't want to go on the seat cause everyone would see and would make fun of me, so I sat on my backpack and peed there. (tear)
Mom: Oh! You poor thing, come here and give me a hug.

Looking back on this story now, I think my mom must have known something was up. For one thing, my pants were completely dry making the "feel sorry for me because I wet myself" story a little tough to swallow. Plus there was the oddly damp Tic Tac container in the front pocket. But she never called me out on it - what a good Mom. I suppose in the end it is probably better that I did not become a doctor, eh?

- lada needs to be excused

Catch Up

2007-04-02T08:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry it has been so long - life has been hectic. We have a lot happening at work so I have been on the road here in the Carolinas more than usual plus I had to squeeze in a week in Dallas and it seemed liked every second I wasn't working I was on a treadmill trying to get ready for the run in Charleston. Oh and my laptop blew up so my blogging mobility has been drastically reduced. Here's what I didn't get a chance to mention:

Congratulations to John who was not only named the lawyer of the year in South Carolina for all his pro bono work, but his associate and he are two of the five lawyers the National Bar Association have nominated for the national lawyer of the year. What an unbelievable honor! WOW! John also kicked ass in our 10K run, coming in at 47 minutes. (Lawyer friend: check)

Congratulations to Heather who will be graduating from med school soon and will be heading to Dallas for the next several years of her life for her residency. I am super proud of you darling. Coasta Rica or bust! (Doctor friend - preferably a plastic surgeon: check and check)

Congratulations to Karen who decided that if I was going to train for a 10K in a month, she would train for a 5K in a week. Here she is running outside of Wrigley (nice tush):

She finished in at 30:39 - yay! (supportive friend who can also donate a kidney if neccessary: check)

My race was fun/long/painful/rewarding. I finished in one hour and nine seconds - not the best time, but not too shabby for my first 10K.

That's all for now.

- lada came in seventeen thousand, one hundred ninty-seventh place

Dreams

2007-03-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot of odd dreams lately, so I thought would have a bit of fun and try interpreting them. This is the site I used for help figuring out what my mind is trying to tell me.

Dream 1
I am riding on a roller coaster - wee! (I have had several roller coaster dreams in the past but this one isn't as fun as the others typically are.) It starts great but as we go over each little hill we briefly lose contact with the track and just as I am realizing that hold up, LOSING CONTACT WITH THE TRACK, we fly off the track completely - in slow motion, we soar off into the air, spinning around and upside down. I am looking at the ground to see where we are going to land and I see a lake and I am hoping we land in the lake...

Symbolic meanings:
Roller coasters: erratic behavior or frequent ups and downs in life
Falling: lack of control or support in life

Dream 2
I am at a baseball game and a concessions guy walks by selling things out of a shopping cart. I recognize him and say "hey" and shake his hand. He continues on down the row selling his wares but stops suddenly, turns back to me, and says, "Your family is weird."

Symbolic meanings:
Shopping cart: reaping rewards and benefits for hard work
Attending a baseball game: contentment and peace of mind
My family is weird, so this one makes some sense...

Dream 3
I have a younger brother who is turning into a werewolf. But as he changes, he does not become vicious, we continue to talk as he morphs. I scold him gently for getting himself into this situation to begin with, but mostly we are trying to figure out a solution this whole werewolf problem. No answer at hand, I end up getting tired of dealing with the situation and decide to give up and leave to go sew buttons on a shirt that needs mending.

Symbolic meanings:
Werewolf: fear, repressed anger, and uncontrollable violence
Frustration: difficulty dealing with a situation in life
Sewing: trying to make amends with others or fertility and growth
Buttons: wealth and security

Not sure what any of this means - I will leave it up to you to decide how psycho I am.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: People that are blind from birth dream just as much as everyone else - but their dreams are formed from their other senses such as touch, smell, taste and sound.

- lada will steal your heart, but has no interest in your kidneys

Fugeddaboudit

2007-03-07T08:49:00.000-05:00

This little quiz is interesting. It asks a series of questions to determine what accent you have. These are my results:

What American accent do you have?

Northern. Whether you have the world famous Inland North accent of the Great Lakes area, or the radio-friendly sound of upstate NY and western New England, your accent is what used to set the standard for American English pronunciation (not much anymore now that the Inland North sounds like it does).

Want to see where you're accent is from?

- lada shot J.R.

A Spoonful of Sugar

2007-03-05T11:30:00.001-05:00

Why am I surrounded by people who refuse to use medicine? I don't get you people - are you afraid that you may become addicted to Tylenol? Do you shy away from Pepto Bismal, afraid that the pink stuff will take over your life? Get over it! Over the counter medications are not crack. They do not alter your mood or your personality or get you high (other than NyQuil). They will however, make your headache go away/calm your heartburn/clear your sinuses.

Russ was giving me shit last night for taking a Tylenol PM to help me sleep. What he doesn't understand is that, although he can fall asleep the minute his head hits the pillow, some of us have problems falling asleep and staying asleep, especially with sore muscles from that day's strenuous workout (10 K race in 26 days). Besides, I only took one pill, which is half the recommended dosage. Oh, and did I mention that it is TYLENOL, not a knock-you-on-your-ass prescription AND I am not using any crank or blow in the mornings to wake up. As a matter of fact, I don't look anything like Elvis.

To make the evening worse, not only did I have to listen to him complain about my Tylenol PM usage, but I got to hear him moan and groan about the stabbing pains in his stomach from gorging himself on chili. Of course he refused to take any Tums for his indigestion. He just continued to complain all night about the horrbile pain, saying that it is probably a tumor in his pancreas. Oh yes readers, you heard me right - a tumor in his pancreas.
He isn't the only one either. The good doctor will spend all day at the hospital prescribing meds to help cure sick people, but won't take anything for her headache. You and Russ are both silly. I am obviously going to have to start mashing up pills and giving them to you in your applesauce. I'm just kidding, I would never medicate anyone without their knowledge.
Kool-Aid anyone? I just made a fresh pitcher. . .

Today is the one year birthday of lada land. Yippee! If you want a quick walk down memory lane (and since it is Pulaski Monday again), here is one of my favorite posts from the last year: Pulaski Day - March 6, 2006

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The average bra size today is 36C - ten years ago it was 34B.

- some people call lada the space cowboy

AaaaaBoo!

2007-03-01T16:06:00.001-05:00

In case you are having a bad day - it is impossible to watch this and not giggle.

- lada looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends

For Your Eyes Only

2007-02-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

A question of hair
How much would your head of hair cost if you were going to pull a Britany and shave it off?
Karen - $150,000
Russ - No charge, I have been wanting to do it again for a while
MC - It would take a little bit
Dunce Cap Marvel - Wouldn't do it... I have an ugly head. A couple thousand, I guess.
Quique - $1000 if we're talking bic shave, $10 if it's just Timberlake short
Heather - I wouldn't do it for any amount of money - how many millions?
Matt - Relatively little, but then again I am a cheap man whore
lada - $25,000

The saddest songs ever
Dr. Harry Witchel decided to research what songs are the most heartbreaking - he claims that scientifically, these songs are more likely to bring people to tears. The tests measured heart rate, breathing and skin temperature as people listened to a variety of tear-jerkers.
The full top ten looks like this:

10. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
9. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover
8. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
7. Elvis Presley - Are You Lonesome Tonight
6. Will Young - Leave Right Now
5. Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U
4. Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
3. Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
2. Robbie Williams - Angels
1. The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work

Four amusing t-shirts that I will never wear

Four amusing t-shirts for the kids

Other stuff

My name is lada and I am a hair color addict. (I am blond again)
Russ is getting lasik tomorrow. Yay! (This is good because it means he will no longer have to wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me what time the alarm clock says.)
Try out this site - How many of Me - it estimates how many people in America share your same name.
We finally started watching the Sopranos - borrowing the DVDs from our neighbor. So far have gotten through the first three seasons. Russ has taken to blurting out non sequitur Italian phrases in a bad accent. We will be driving to the mall and he'll burst out with a "fettuccine alfredo" (can you hear the awful Italian accent?) complete with the stupid hand gestures.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: If a male cat is both orange and black, it is sterile. To have both the orange and black coat colors, the male cat must have all, or part of both female X chromosomes. This unusual sex chromosome combination will render the male cat sterile.

- lada would like to thank the academy

I Embrace the Inhumanity

2007-02-17T01:31:00.001-05:00

Sorry readers. This will be more fun for me than for you. But I need to vent. . .

I am tired of laughing at your stupid jokes that I heard last night and last week and last year.
I am not impressed by your knowledge of the finer things in life. I don’t like scotch or cigars or bird watching or custom made dress shirts. In fact, I think white cuffs and collars are tacky.
Don’t have a large gyro pizza delivered to your hotel room thinking I will share it with you just because I once lived in Chicago. I ate a pizza in Chicago or a gyro in Chicago – mixing the two together in Raleigh is just dumb.
I don’t care about the lack of dating success you have had with e-harmony. I will never care.
I don’t have anything to say when you tell me your blood is full of cancer and that you don’t want sympathy so you aren’t telling people. Why did you tell me? What do I do with the information that the cancer will eat away at your bones until you are like your father who needed to replace both hips except that by the time you get be to his age you will be too dead to worry about needing new hips?
I hate smelling your breath in the car because you are always talking talking talking talking.
Don’t say you like my music when you have only heard 10 seconds of one song – and if you do like it, then quit talking talking talking talking, and listen.
You know that video you took of me covering my face because I didn’t want you to be taking video of me – why, six months later, do you still have that saved on your phone? And what am I supposed to say when you show the video to me? Yup, that was me covering my face six months ago. I was irritated then and am even more so now.
I hate walking out of my hotel room that is always right next to yours and saying, “Good morning!” all sing-song and cheerful like. Despite appearances, I am decidedly not excited to start our day.
I want soft sheets, ample towels, and an alarm clock. I don’t care what a good deal we can get at a shit hotel with your fake AAA discount.
You are not my father or brother or husband or date or friend. You are _______.

I will proably take this down in the morning.

- lada

My Corny Valentine

2007-02-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

Just thought we needed some good wholesome fun after my last post. . .

What did the boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb on Valentine's Day?
- I wuv you watts and watts.

What did the boy snake say to the girl snake on Valentine's Day?
- Give me a hug and a hiss.

What did the little boy sheep say to the little girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
- I love ewe.

What did the little girl sheep say to the little boy sheep on Valentine's Day?
- You're not so baaaaaad yourself.

What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine's Day?
- You mean a great dill to me.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?
- I want to hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

Is it better to write a love note on an empty stomach or on a full stomach?
- It is better to write it on paper!

What did the Valentine card say to the stamp?
- Stick with me and we'll go places.

What type of flowers should you never give on Valentine's Day?
- Cauliflowers!

If your Aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
- Aunt-elope!

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare's lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day.

- lada is the wind beneath your wings

Can BJ Come Out To Play?

2007-02-12T22:23:00.003-05:00

One funny:
A text conversation with my adopted brother Quique (kee-kay). Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I did leave the guilty names in. I also fixed my spelling - I try to use proper English when texting ("i got here b4 u wher u b @" type of stuff gives me a headache) but that darn T9w always give me "on" when I want "no" and "of" when I meant "me" - so I cleaned things up a bit for the sake of my readers' understanding. Well, it isn't actually clean. . .

lada: For the record - it is 67 down here today. Need a vacation?
Quique: Not as much as I need a blow job
lada: Call Matt
Quique: Impressive. You, unlike others, are capable of thinking of someone other than Brit
lada: Give me a little credit - I am not new to this insult thing
Quique: Oh you get mad credit. Don't you worry about that. So much credit that I've hired a guy to take naked photos of you from the woods
lada: Clever lad
lada: Not to imply that getting a bj from Matt or any other man would be insulting - you can be gay if you want - I still love you
Quique: Well I appreciate your understanding with my situation
lada: Actually I don't understand - perhaps you could elaborate
Quique: I appreciate you accepting that I could be gay and someday I'm sure my partner will thank you for your compassion
lada: My inability to detect sarcasm in text messages leaves me no choice but to ask, so are you gay?
Quique: I thought this was a yet to be decided entity in the mind of you and Karen and Heather and all your little friends
lada: I can however interpret a condescending remark like "little friends"- implying we are a flock of hens clucking about whom you blow
lada: Squawk
Quique: To quote the foremost literary genius of our times, Marshall Mathers, I am whatever you say I am
Quique: Except that you obviously don't blow, hence Matt's glorious entry into our conversation
lada: I don't blow or you don't blow?
Quique: You don't. I'm in question?
lada: I blow like a freaking hurricane
Quique: A hurricane named Ditka?
lada: Oh no you didn't bring da coach into this!
Quique: That isn't the next line...
lada: I do not know the next line nor what I'd be quoting if I did
Quique: You'd be quoting SNL. Bears vs a hurricane named Ditka? Ditka
lada: So you are saying you want to blow Ditika?
Quique: You're getting warmer...
lada: The entire Bears team! Or maybe just the defense? Or an actual bear - a grizzly? Mmm, inter-species erotica. So hot
lada: Not to imply that getting a bj from a bear would be insulting - you can love animals if you want - I still love you
Quique: Bears do lick a lot. If you're into licking
lada: Duh
Quique: Sick
lada: Prude
Quique: Slut. Well, married slut.
lada: At least I didn't sleep with an entire defensive line like you
Quique: This is Quique, not Brit*

*I repeat, this was not the real name used. . . I promise.

One not so funny:
A 17 year old, high school boy from Georgia was sentenced to 10 years in prison for receiving oral sex from a 15 year old girl. She initiated the act. She performed the act. She said in court it was all her own doing, he did nothing. He got 10 years in jail. I understand that just because a man does nothing, he is not excused from blame - a 40 year old man had better stop a 15 year old girl who tries to initiate a sexual act - but these were kids, only two years apart. The law was written to stop pedophiles, not horny teenagers.
The weird part is, if they had had actual sex, it would have been a misdemeanor instead of a felony. WORSE - If she had gotten pregnant he couldn't legally have been charged with ANY crime. You see, then they would have been procreating like good little boys and girls, the way God intended, rather than just having sex for the pleasure of it like heathens. Separation of church and state much?

The prosecutor offered him a plea - five years with the possibility of parole - but he would have been branded a sex offender and if paroled, would not have been able to return to his own home because of a young sister.
The state legislature has since changed the law (specifically because of this kid's case) but for some reason they didn't make it retroactive - so he still has to serve his time.
He appealed to the Georgia Supreme Court. They voted to uphold the ruling 4 to 3.

Ten freaking years in federal prison. How many of you got head when you were in high school? If you didn't it wasn't from lack of trying. Bet it wasn't worth ten freaking years.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Banging your head against a wall burns about 150 calories an hour.

- lada bites the bullet

Random Thoughts

2007-02-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

This might mean something in five or so years

Let's say I have a child.
Let's say Russ and I both work, so we have that child in daycare.
Let's say that child takes his first steps while at daycare - or perhaps says his first word. Do I want them to tell me, the busy earning a living parent, that I missed that moment in my child's life? Or do they not tell me, and when I hear that first "mama," experience the joy of (what I wrongly assume is) the first word mumbled by the fruit of my loins? (Do women have loins or does that just refer to men?)

Is that just the price we pay for choosing to work? There are sacrifices either way.

But what if only one parent is working out of the house - is it better to call Russ at work and tell him Battle just took his first step, or do I not tell him and let the proud papa have that experience for himself when they have time together on the weekend?

Are firsts just over rated?

Quote of the day - Debbie: "You are going to gorilla hell!"

- lada breathes into a paper bag

Go Bears

2007-02-04T16:39:00.000-05:00

W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part III)

2007-01-28T17:20:00.000-05:00

W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part I)
W.I.S.M.I.M. (Part II)

Seriously, lada needs to chill the fuck out.
I was taking a shower the other night, in the dark. (Boy, you know it is going to be a good story when it starts like that.) This isn't normal for me, I normally am a big believer in electricity, but I had been in bed in the dark for a while (mmm. . . post coital showers) and I didn't feel like turning on the lights and burning my eyeballs when there was sufficient moonlight to shower by coming in through the large, uncovered, bathroom window. And luckily I didn't turn on the lights or I might never have noticed the little red light out in the woods behind my house shining into the aforementioned, large, uncovered, bathroom window (where I was currently showering).

Now we all know that a little red light means a video camera, especially out in a huge expanse of untamed wilderness, especially pointing into my bathroom window where I am regularly clothed in jack shit.
AHHHH!

lada: Uh, we need to go outside and investigate that little red light.
Russ: It's late, we aren't going to wander the woods in the middle of the night. We'll go in the morning.
lada: You can't see little red lights in daylight. We have to go now. . . ahhh. . . now!
Russ: Let's go to bed.
lada: Besides, it is much more likely the pervert will be out there in the morning because that is when I typically take a shower rather than now, at 2AM, when we are usually asleep.
Russ: Fine, I'll get a flashlight.

So he grabbed a flashlight, and I grabbed a hammer - not sure why a hammer, but at this point my panic had risen to level orange and I was not thinking clearly. We wander around outside trying to locate the little red light, but aren't having any luck - it was apparently much easier to see from a second story window than at ground level.

Then I see a red light, but I am confused because it is too high, almost like it is on a tower. And I look up even higher and see a second red light at the top of what is definitely a tower. This is when we conclude the light we saw near the ground must be the bottom the same tower. Probably the same cell phone tower that has been behind our house since we moved in that I have seen hundreds of time. In my defense, the lights I usually see on the tower are white and blinking not little and red, but still - damn.
God help me.

Quote of the day - Russ: "How old am I?"

- may The Force be with lada

Good, Bad and Ugly

2007-01-20T18:36:00.003-05:00

Sixty must be the new twenty
Bruce Willis - 52 - is making a fourth Die Hard
Sylvester Stallone - 60 - just made the his sixth Rocky and is working on Rambo IV
Harrison Ford - 64 - has agreed to make Indian Jones IV
Now I do love me some Bruce Willis, but damn. . .

The world we live in
Captain Hanadi Zakariya Hindi is the first Saudi female pilot. However, she is still required to have a male drive her to the airport. What else is there to say?

One more piece to the puzzle of my life
I finally figured out the name of the Childlike Empress.
I finally figured out the identity of Mr. Drake.
And now, I know how Stephanie Seymour dies in the November Rain video.

Do you remember this video? Of course you do. The wedding, the most inappropriate church tongue-kiss ever, the reception, the rain - then all of a sudden the funeral. What the hell happened at the rainy reception that led to her demise? And to make me even more curious, at the funeral she has half her face covered by a mirror implying some type of massive head trauma.

The only way to solve this mystery is to read the story that the video was based on - "Without You" by Del James. I decided to read it - but that was in 1992 and I never seemed to get around to actually doing it. . .until now! I was going to buy the book until I saw that used copies of the book are currently selling for $98.85 on Amazon. So, I decided I would take the cheaper route and just google "November Rain story."

She blows her brains out because of her tragic relationship with a dunk, drug-addled rock star. Here it is if you want to read it. Now I can check that off the list. Whew.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Pupeye, Peepeye, and Poopeye.

- lada looks into your eyes and can see a love restrained

Written in the Stars (Ursa Major)

2007-01-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

KC lost - that stings - but I still have big hopes for the Bears.
A few weeks ago, I opened my fortune cookie to find this:

See - lada in Miami - it is destiny. I have been carrying that fortune around in my wallet ever since. If it is written down, it must be true. During the stress of the Bears in overtime against the Seahawks, I dug it out and rubbed it reverently (sales people are always superstitious). It worked! Robbie Gould is my hero! I decided I needed to share the luck, so I have scanned it and this special, tiny slip of paper has now become digital. I strongly encourage all of you to print a copy of my fortune to carry in your wallets. Rub as needed.
If you can't do that, at least touch your monitor in respect and mumble a prayer to the NFL gods. On your knees.

Quote of the day - Karen: "24 carat GOULD!"

- lada hearts the Monsters of the Midway

Febreze, Pleze

2007-01-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

When I travel out of town, I like to leave things in my car at the airport for when I fly back in, like some Mt. Dew in case I need some caffeine for the drive home.

What I don't recommend, is leaving the leftover Long John Silver's you bought on the way to the airport in the car in long term parking for nine days. The dry, moldy smell of the fries and the sickly, sweet odor of the rotting coleslaw, together couldn't overpower the fish - my God, the fish. And let us not forget the sticky mess that was all that was left of the soggy paper cup that just couldn't stand up to the Coke. I am a genius.

Time for that new car.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Ireland has the highest calorie consumption in the world at 3,837 calories per person per day.

- lada offers an award winning sushi bar

Not So Much Bigger In Texas

2007-01-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

I thought I would hate Texas. I heard it was all ten gallon hats and cowboy boots, but it isn't. I am kind of disappointed that Houston looks like every other city. I guess I kind of wanted to hate Texas - oh well. I will just have to continue on with my hating of California (though I have no real reason for that one either). I haven't seen a single Taco Bell though. But I guess that is along the same lines of eating at a Pizza Hut in Chicago - it just isn't done.

They do have a ton of homeless people. A group of us from work were walking downtown after dinner the other night, when a homeless man asked for money. One of the women with us (who told me that she has a degree in psychology and therefore she "knows the correct way to deal with the homeless") turned to the guy and pointed her finger in his face and told him he needed to go sit down - like the guy was a fucking dog! I was mortified. Then the homeless guy (we will call him Al) who was probably pissed, wouldn't leave us alone; he started walking along with us and trying to talk to us. The more everyone ignored him, the worse I felt about us acting like pompous jerks, so I gave Al a five. He blessed me and immediately turned around and left us alone. I had solved the problem of the strange homeless man following us back to our hotel, but everyone still scolded me for giving him money. Apparently generosity is a bad thing. I responded that my life was good and his didn't seem to be, so what was five bucks - they weren't feeling me.

The next night I was walking with MC when another homeless man we passed asked us how we were doing. We both answered, "Good, how are you?" and he stopped and mumbled a thank you for "not acting like [we] have 89 million dollars." We chuckled and told him it was because we DON'T have 89 million dollars. He was serious though and reiterated that it was nice that we had acknowledged him rather than being assholes (my words, not his). Then things went back to normal, he asked if we had anything we could spare - we told him we didn't have any cash on us and everyone went their separate ways.

Moral of the story - homeless people may be all sorts of screwed up, but you can still look them in the eye and see that they are alive.

Quote of the day - Russ: I like the warm, pulsating on my butt.

- lada's in a lone star state of mind

Sweet Home Chicago

2007-01-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

The plan was a surprise visit to Chicago for my dad's 50th birthday. I wanted to catch him off guard so he would be really shocked.

He takes the train to and from downtown every day and I wanted to be on the same train from the airport. Now my dad has never been the most observant guy - we would be playing outside as children and would wave our little hearts out as Dad drove by on his way home from work, but he would never notice, never wave back (as a driver, it is always great to ignore the small children playing on the side of the road...). The man lives with blinders on. So I decided to sit by him on the train and see how long it would take for him to notice his own daughter.

I got to Union Station early enough to know that I beat him. Then I (and all my luggage) stood/hid behind this pillar. I waited and watched the stream of people pass by and after a bit he walked right past the pillar, not knowing that I was on the other side. I went into stealth mode and began to trail him while I sent a text messaging to Karen saying, "The target has been identified. I am in pursuit."
(I heart stealth mode.)

I followed him to the train car and ducked as he got on and sat down. I waited a few, gathered my stuff, got on the train, walked right past him and took the seat directly in front of his. He proceeded to not recognize the back of my head. (Later he tries to cover this saying, "Your hair looks different, did you change the color?") Suddenly my phone started ringing loud enough for the whole train to hear - and what did it play you ask - the Norte Dame fight song of course. I quickly silenced the phone, but heard Dad (an ND alum) chuckling behind me. He waited a few seconds, but couldn't help talking to a fellow ND fan on the night of the Sugar Bowl. So he struck up this conversation:

Dad: That's a great song.
I turned around with a big grin on my face
lada: It is isn't it!
The look on his face when he realized it is me - priceless.
Dad: Ah! [lada] what are you doing here?
lada: I came for your birthday!
Dad: What's wrong?
lada: Nothing, I wanted to surprise you for your birthday!
Dad: Is everything okay?
lada: YES, I came for your birthday!
Dad: ...
lada: Everything is fine. I just came to surprise you for your big 50th birthday!
Dad: Shhh - everyone on this train thinks I am much younger than that.

Apparently he assumed that after three years of marriage, Russ had kicked me out of the house and I was moving back in with them. Nice.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

If you are ever on Jeopardy (courtesy of Tim): In the 1970s the island of Nantucket was invited to become a part of the state of Kansas, despite the 1358 miles separating the two locales.

- lada shakes her money maker

A Vegetable of a Different Color

2006-12-31T17:08:00.001-05:00

Hens dabbing away tears as their eggs are pried from their clutching wings.

Cows udders chapped and bleeding from milk pumps. Them struggling to apply healing lotion with their hooves.
Lobsters wrapped in burn bandages, moaning in pain as they rock back and forth.

Runt pigs being put down because they are small (Zuckerman never knowing that the poor animal may be some terrific, humble, radiant pig).

Innocent oxen with stumps for tails, unable to swat away flies and gnats.

These are the scenes I pictures when I think of the moral reasons behind giving up meat. No not really, I think of much more gruesome pictures, but you get the idea.

I don't really eat a lot of meat (especially if it is the slightest bit pink, just the thought of raw meat turns my stomach) and I have been considering becoming a vegetarian for a long time - I just lack the motivation. A few weeks ago I borrowed a book from my vegetarian neighbor knowing that it will paint all sorts of horrible pictures about animal cruelty. Hopefully this will push me over the edge. But I am afraid it will do just that. I am torn.

I am can come up with a ton of reasons I would like to give up meat - some moral, some shallow (have you ever seen a fat vegetarian?). But I can also come up with two reasons not to:

1. I eat a lot of chicken
2. I don't eat a lot of vegetables

See the problem? How can you be a vegetarian and not eat veggies constantly? I do eat some, salads and stuff, but I just don't see them replacing chicken. I like chicken a lot (and tuna and turkey and cold pork chops and Spam). So, the book has been sitting unopened on my kitchen table because I am afraid to read it. But then I remember that I almost threw up twice on Christmas - once making the meatloaf and once eating the meatloaf - and I know I will read it soon. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck one way or the other.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Typically, a person's forearm (measured form elbow to wrist) is the same length as their foot.

- lada and the blowfish

Even better

2006-12-30T17:24:00.001-05:00

Bush singing U2

Happy Christmas

2006-12-24T15:57:00.002-05:00

- lada wishes you a very merry non-denominational, multicultural, lactose free, winter holiday celebration

Post Number One Hundred

2006-12-22T21:24:00.001-05:00

This is my one hundredth post. (How terribly exciting for you readers - try taking several deep breaths to keep from being overwhelmed by the festivities.)
100 is defined as:
the natural number following 99 and preceding 101
10 squared
the Roman numeral C
being ten more than ninety

Some things to entertain you
The 100 Worst Porn Titles (Sperms of Endearment and Bumpin Donuts)
The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time ("Taco Bell buys the Liberty Bell")
100 Funniest Movies of all Time (#35 is Harvey)
The 100 Worst Ideas of the 20th Century (prohibition, suntans, and Crystal Pepsi)
The 100 Best Novels of the Century
100 Ways to Kill a Man on the Silver Screen (only 63 so far but, #14 - dress up like a bat and throw him off a skyscraper - is my favorite)

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds - dogs only have about ten.

- a lada in a pear tree

Postscript - (Trivia for a prize) In the Christmas carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” – what is the total number of gifts that 'my true love gave to me'?

Be Nice

2006-12-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been touched when you didn’t want to be? Has someone “accidentally” brushed against you? Were you abused or raped or taken advantage of when you were under the influence? Have you ever been called easy, a whore, a player; or do they tease you because you are a virgin? Have they called you a fag or a dyke because you are gay - a baby-maker because you are straight? Did they say what you desire is nasty or raunchy or unnatural? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever made fun of you because of what you wear? Did they judge you because you don’t shop at the expensive stores or did they say you are vain because you spent too much money on clothes? If you show too much skin, you are a slut – not enough skin, you are plain or prudish. Did they call you butch because you wore flannel or tell you men shouldn’t wear skirts? Are you a gangster because you wear your jeans too low or are you old-fashioned because you have your jeans pulled too high? Did they say your clothes were too tight or too baggy? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever said that your skin is too black or not black enough – too pale white or too tan? Do they see you as old and wrinkled or vain because you got a facelift? Did they make fun of you because you have freckles or acne? How did that make you feel?

Have you been called a yankee because you bring bagels and doughnuts for breakfast instead of a “Southern” breakfast? Were you confused about how and why you were supposed to get thirty people biscuits and gravy for a working meeting at 7:30 in the morning? Did you wish they had said thank you for some mighty good bagels instead of calling you a name? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever made fun of your body because you are too heavy or too skinny – because you are tall or short – because your teeth are not white enough or straight enough (but if you got braces, wouldn't they judge you more)? Do you worry that your breasts are too small or too large – that your penis is too small or crooked? Have people asked if you are anorexic because you are thin or called you a meathead because you are muscular? Do they say you have too much hair on your back or do they complain because you don’t have enough hair on your head? Did they tease you because your hair is long like a girl or too short like a boy? Have you ever been called ugly? How did that make you feel?

Did they say that you are a freak because you wear black – a jock because you like sports – a nerd because you are intelligent - a blonde because you are blonde – a loser because you own a skateboard – a snob because you have money? Do they judge you because your job is not prestigious enough? If you are a nanny do people ask you if you are sleeping with the father? If you are a car salesman do people assume you are sleazy? If you are a bartender, do people assume you don’t have a degree? Did you become a lawyer because you feel like you have to impress people? Did anyone ever tell you that if you drop out of school you will end up barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park? How did that make you feel?

Have you ever been told your God is wrong? Did they tell you that you are a sinner or that you are going to hell? Do you have one God or hundreds - or do you believe God is three-in-one? Did they say you lack faith because you believe in science or did they say you are an idiot because you have faith? How did that make you feel?

Have you ever felt stupid, ugly, or left out? Me too.

Quote of the day - John Mayer: One day our generation is gonna rule the population, so we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change.

- nine lada's dancing

Grody

2006-12-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

Post-Rapture Post
Oh! The Rapture! The day when Jesus will transport all the true believers bodily to Heaven. What about those poor souls left behind? Finally the answer! For a small fee, these nice people will personally deliver a letter to your loved ones explaining your sudden disappearance. How do we know this company will be around to deliver these letters? The company owners are atheists. Oh, I am so amused.

The Eighties
We had a big eighties party this weekend. It was for charity - we had everyone who came to the party bring a gift and now the gifts are being donated to children for the holidays. Russ had a mustache and a clip-on earring. There were tight-rolled jeans, leg warmers and lacy prom dresses. It was awful. And the Karaoke, my god the karaoke. It was a sacrifice for a a good cause. Did I mention the fog machine?

Vickie's Dirty Little Secret
The Victoria's Secret fashion show was on last week. It was supposed to be on primetime but when I flipped on the TV, I saw that instead of being on at 10/9 central like all the ads said, my local channel was running a highlight reel "Columbia Local News, Year in Review." Mmm, a whole year chock-full of local news! They didn't air the fashion show until 2:00 in the morning. You know, to protect the kids. And really, thank goodness! What would we have told the children about all those women and their dirty pillows trying to seduce men and make them eat apples? Harlots.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The Atlantic Ocean is growing wider at the rate of one inch per year - the same speed the average fingernail grows.

- gag lada with a spoon