Similar Superficial Qualities

I get it. I look like a famous person. I do not need the guy at the drive through commenting on it - I just want my sourdough melt with no onions. I do not need him to tell me he checked the name on my credit card to see if I am her. Is he a moron? I am 25 and she is (will you still need me; will you still feed me) 64. And does he really think she is rolling up to Culver's in her Toyota Corolla?

Fine, I look like her. I believe you. I don't want the cat lady I worked with for seven days to bring me a DVD of one of her movies. I am not going to watch it and then run to the mirror and be suddenly shocked by the resemblance. I know what she looks like.

Come on people. Think before you comment on someone's looks.

Rules:
1. Unless they are both hot, don't comment on a family resemblance.

You say: I can tell you're related. You look so much like Aunt Gertrude!
They say: Oh.
They think: We look alike because we have the same squinty eyes and butt chin. Thank you for pointing that out, jerk.

2. A rich and famous person is not automatically hot.

You say: You look just like Lyle Lovett
They say: Oh, yeah? Umm. . . I wish I could sing like him too. I guess.
They think: People like me, who aren't millionaires, don't get to marry people like Julie Roberts. Thanks, jerk.

3. If you have to defend why a comparison is a compliment, you should not have made it.

You say: Wow, you have red hair. You remind me of Carrot Top.
They say: Uhh...?
You realize what you just said and try to repair the damage: "But I love Carrot Top. . . he is so funny. . . and eh, I think he is hot."
They think: This jerk must be a fucking idiot.

4. Do not make people guess who they resemble.

You say: Do you know who you remind me of?
They think: People tell me I look like Rosie O'Donnell, but maybe. . .
They say: Cameron Diaz?
You say: I was going to say Rosie. But, umm. . . yeah, I can see some Cameron in you too.

Come to think of it, just don't ever tell anyone they look like anyone else. Even if someone looks like Heidi Klum, everyone has probably told her she looks like Heidi Klum and it will only be annoying.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: In 1915, Charlie Chaplin entered a Chaplin look-alike contest and lost. His final standing is not recorded, although it was said he "failed even to make the finals." Chaplin told a reporter at this time that he was "tempted to give lessons in the Chaplin walk, out of pity as well as in the desire to see the thing done correctly."

- la-de-da