A Vegetable of a Different Color

• Hens dabbing away tears as their eggs are pried from their clutching wings.


• Cows udders chapped and bleeding from milk pumps. Them struggling to apply healing lotion with their hooves.
  
• Lobsters wrapped in burn bandages, moaning in pain as they rock back and forth.


• Runt pigs being put down because they are small (Zuckerman never knowing that the poor animal may be some terrific, humble, radiant pig).


• Innocent oxen with stumps for tails, unable to swat away flies and gnats.

These are the scenes I pictures when I think of the moral reasons behind giving up meat. No not really, I think of much more gruesome pictures, but you get the idea.

I don't really eat a lot of meat (especially if it is the slightest bit pink, just the thought of raw meat turns my stomach) and I have been considering becoming a vegetarian for a long time - I just lack the motivation. A few weeks ago I borrowed a book from my vegetarian neighbor knowing that it will paint all sorts of horrible pictures about animal cruelty. Hopefully this will push me over the edge. But I am afraid it will do just that. I am torn.

I am can come up with a ton of reasons I would like to give up meat - some moral, some shallow (have you ever seen a fat vegetarian?). But I can also come up with two reasons not to:

1. I eat a lot of chicken
2. I don't eat a lot of vegetables

See the problem? How can you be a vegetarian and not eat veggies constantly? I do eat some, salads and stuff, but I just don't see them replacing chicken. I like chicken a lot (and tuna and turkey and cold pork chops and Spam). So, the book has been sitting unopened on my kitchen table because I am afraid to read it. But then I remember that I almost threw up twice on Christmas - once making the meatloaf and once eating the meatloaf - and I know I will read it soon. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck one way or the other.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Typically, a person's forearm (measured form elbow to wrist) is the same length as their foot.

- lada and the blowfish

Even better

Bush singing U2

Happy Christmas

- lada wishes you a very merry non-denominational, multicultural, lactose free, winter holiday celebration

Post Number One Hundred

This is my one hundredth post. (How terribly exciting for you readers - try taking several deep breaths to keep from being overwhelmed by the festivities.)
100 is defined as:
the natural number following 99 and preceding 101
10 squared
the Roman numeral C
being ten more than ninety

Some things to entertain you
The 100 Worst Porn Titles (Sperms of Endearment and Bumpin Donuts)
The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time ("Taco Bell buys the Liberty Bell")
100 Funniest Movies of all Time (#35 is Harvey)
The 100 Worst Ideas of the 20th Century (prohibition, suntans, and Crystal Pepsi)
The 100 Best Novels of the Century
100 Ways to Kill a Man on the Silver Screen (only 63 so far but, #14 - dress up like a bat and throw him off a skyscraper - is my favorite)

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds - dogs only have about ten.

- a lada in a pear tree

Postscript - (Trivia for a prize) In the Christmas carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” – what is the total number of gifts that 'my true love gave to me'?

Be Nice

Have you ever been touched when you didn’t want to be? Has someone “accidentally” brushed against you? Were you abused or raped or taken advantage of when you were under the influence? Have you ever been called easy, a whore, a player; or do they tease you because you are a virgin? Have they called you a fag or a dyke because you are gay - a baby-maker because you are straight? Did they say what you desire is nasty or raunchy or unnatural? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever made fun of you because of what you wear? Did they judge you because you don’t shop at the expensive stores or did they say you are vain because you spent too much money on clothes? If you show too much skin, you are a slut – not enough skin, you are plain or prudish. Did they call you butch because you wore flannel or tell you men shouldn’t wear skirts? Are you a gangster because you wear your jeans too low or are you old-fashioned because you have your jeans pulled too high? Did they say your clothes were too tight or too baggy? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever said that your skin is too black or not black enough – too pale white or too tan? Do they see you as old and wrinkled or vain because you got a facelift? Did they make fun of you because you have freckles or acne? How did that make you feel?

Have you been called a yankee because you bring bagels and doughnuts for breakfast instead of a “Southern” breakfast? Were you confused about how and why you were supposed to get thirty people biscuits and gravy for a working meeting at 7:30 in the morning? Did you wish they had said thank you for some mighty good bagels instead of calling you a name? How did that make you feel?

Has anyone ever made fun of your body because you are too heavy or too skinny – because you are tall or short – because your teeth are not white enough or straight enough (but if you got braces, wouldn't they judge you more)? Do you worry that your breasts are too small or too large – that your penis is too small or crooked? Have people asked if you are anorexic because you are thin or called you a meathead because you are muscular? Do they say you have too much hair on your back or do they complain because you don’t have enough hair on your head? Did they tease you because your hair is long like a girl or too short like a boy? Have you ever been called ugly? How did that make you feel?

Did they say that you are a freak because you wear black – a jock because you like sports – a nerd because you are intelligent - a blonde because you are blonde – a loser because you own a skateboard – a snob because you have money? Do they judge you because your job is not prestigious enough? If you are a nanny do people ask you if you are sleeping with the father? If you are a car salesman do people assume you are sleazy? If you are a bartender, do people assume you don’t have a degree? Did you become a lawyer because you feel like you have to impress people? Did anyone ever tell you that if you drop out of school you will end up barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park? How did that make you feel?

Have you ever been told your God is wrong? Did they tell you that you are a sinner or that you are going to hell? Do you have one God or hundreds - or do you believe God is three-in-one? Did they say you lack faith because you believe in science or did they say you are an idiot because you have faith? How did that make you feel?

Have you ever felt stupid, ugly, or left out? Me too.

Quote of the day - John Mayer: One day our generation is gonna rule the population, so we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change.

- nine lada's dancing

Grody

Post-Rapture Post
Oh! The Rapture! The day when Jesus will transport all the true believers bodily to Heaven. What about those poor souls left behind? Finally the answer! For a small fee, these nice people will personally deliver a letter to your loved ones explaining your sudden disappearance. How do we know this company will be around to deliver these letters? The company owners are atheists. Oh, I am so amused.

The Eighties
We had a big eighties party this weekend. It was for charity - we had everyone who came to the party bring a gift and now the gifts are being donated to children for the holidays. Russ had a mustache and a clip-on earring. There were tight-rolled jeans, leg warmers and lacy prom dresses. It was awful. And the Karaoke, my god the karaoke. It was a sacrifice for a a good cause. Did I mention the fog machine?

Vickie's Dirty Little Secret
The Victoria's Secret fashion show was on last week. It was supposed to be on primetime but when I flipped on the TV, I saw that instead of being on at 10/9 central like all the ads said, my local channel was running a highlight reel "Columbia Local News, Year in Review." Mmm, a whole year chock-full of local news! They didn't air the fashion show until 2:00 in the morning. You know, to protect the kids. And really, thank goodness! What would we have told the children about all those women and their dirty pillows trying to seduce men and make them eat apples? Harlots.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: The Atlantic Ocean is growing wider at the rate of one inch per year - the same speed the average fingernail grows.

- gag lada with a spoon

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Garage

Yesterday I got home from picking Heather up from the airport to find that my dog Asia was in the garage. That was weird. I picked her up and took her inside and realized the house lights were on. That was weird. Then I noticed - holy hell - the front door was open! That was all sorts of not good. Heather and I promptly walked out and went next door and called the police. We heard Russ come home a few minutes later, so we stopped him before he went inside. When the police showed up the officer went into the house. Russ went with him. Into the house. Men and their freaking testosterone. Anyway, nothing was missing. We aren't really sure what in the world happened. The whole thing is rather uncomfortable for me. We are getting a deadbolt put on this weekend. Why we didn't have a deadbolt up to this point is beyond me.

Livin' in the ghetto is ruff on santa, yo.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: It is estimated that the average person living in North America opens the refrigerator 22 times a day.

- take two ladas and call her in the morning

Buy Stock in Barnes and Noble

The other day Tim called for a book recommendation and I told him he should read Watership Down because I tell everyone they should read Watership Down - except no one ever takes me up on it because they find out it is a book about rabbits.

You really should read it.

Anyway, in my effort to convince Tim how truly amazing this book is, I told him it is on my top ten list. But since I didn't actually have a top ten list, saying that I had one forced me to come up with a top ten list and I will in turn, force my readers to read my top ten list. So, in no particular order. . .

My Ten (and by ten, I mean eleven) Favorite Books:

Islands in the Stream - Ernest Hemingway
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - David Eggers
Watership Down - Richard Adams
The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
On the Road - Jack Kerouac
The Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Island of the Blue Dolphins - Scott O'Dell
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Vurt - Jeff Noon
Slaughterhouse-Five - Kurt Vonnegut

Books I read this year that you should pick up:
Blindness - Jose Saramago
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
The Neverending Story - Michael Ende
Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

Books I read this year you should definitely skip:
Choke - Chuck Paluhniak
Tortilla Flat - John Steinbeck
State of Fear - Michael Chrichton
The Color Purple - Alice Walker
Eragon - Christopher Paolini

If you're ever on Jeopardy: A "hairsbreadth away" is 1/48 of an inch.

- lada, a.k.a. Ghetto Santa