Six things I contemplate too often:
1. I wonder how I would distribute money to friends and family if I won the lottery? Is it better that I pay for your educations and homes or just give you a wad of cash? How much should I give and should it be in payments over time or in one lump sum? I have four grandparents, two parents, one sibling, six nieces and nephews, six aunts and uncles, twelve cousins, and countless friends (and that doesn't even begin to count Russ's side of the family which is at least three times the size of mine). Of course, I know next to nothing about how tax laws work in these situations so it is all just very loose speculation, but I have put quite a bit of thought into it. You should also know that I plan this stuff out having never (not ever) purchased a lottery ticket.
2. I wonder if I die suddenly alone in my home and no one finds me for several days, will my dogs begin to eat my decomposing body. (Also, which of the two will dig in first?)
3. I wonder when it will not be so nauseatingly hot in South Carolina.
4. I wonder if I am better off with locked or unlocked car doors. While at a stoplight I feel more secure with locked doors so I am not carjacked, obviously. But what if I end up in a lake or river and my brave rescuer dives into the freezing water to haul my unconscious body to safety but cannot get the stupid doors open because they are all locked? I don’t want to drown. Or suppose my car is on fire and I need to be out before everything starts exploding but the Jaws of Life won't be on the scene for another ten long minutes. How easy is it to break a car window and pull out a limp body while not being burned alive? Locked - unlocked – carjacking – drowning?
5. I wonder if (after 99 years) the Cubs will finally win the World Series.
6. I wonder if I will let my young children have cell phones. At what age? How many minutes a month? Can I monitor their text messages and take their cell phones away if they are uzn ne nglish dat l%ks NEthing lyk dis sht?* I like to have this type of child rearing stuff planned out in advance so fifteen years from now I will not have to make any decisions at all. Other popular children topics include: how many toys my children can have at age three, will I or won't I pay for their college, how can I force my children to appreciate the Beatles and Pink Floyd, what are acceptable dating ages, is it ethical to implant a chip into your children so you may track their every move, how much will said chip cost on the black market, etc.
101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #5:
Do make a discovery (Bigfoot, a new star, a new theory, an old fossil).
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona – just look at this guy's leg!
1. I wonder how I would distribute money to friends and family if I won the lottery? Is it better that I pay for your educations and homes or just give you a wad of cash? How much should I give and should it be in payments over time or in one lump sum? I have four grandparents, two parents, one sibling, six nieces and nephews, six aunts and uncles, twelve cousins, and countless friends (and that doesn't even begin to count Russ's side of the family which is at least three times the size of mine). Of course, I know next to nothing about how tax laws work in these situations so it is all just very loose speculation, but I have put quite a bit of thought into it. You should also know that I plan this stuff out having never (not ever) purchased a lottery ticket.
2. I wonder if I die suddenly alone in my home and no one finds me for several days, will my dogs begin to eat my decomposing body. (Also, which of the two will dig in first?)
3. I wonder when it will not be so nauseatingly hot in South Carolina.
4. I wonder if I am better off with locked or unlocked car doors. While at a stoplight I feel more secure with locked doors so I am not carjacked, obviously. But what if I end up in a lake or river and my brave rescuer dives into the freezing water to haul my unconscious body to safety but cannot get the stupid doors open because they are all locked? I don’t want to drown. Or suppose my car is on fire and I need to be out before everything starts exploding but the Jaws of Life won't be on the scene for another ten long minutes. How easy is it to break a car window and pull out a limp body while not being burned alive? Locked - unlocked – carjacking – drowning?
5. I wonder if (after 99 years) the Cubs will finally win the World Series.
6. I wonder if I will let my young children have cell phones. At what age? How many minutes a month? Can I monitor their text messages and take their cell phones away if they are uzn ne nglish dat l%ks NEthing lyk dis sht?* I like to have this type of child rearing stuff planned out in advance so fifteen years from now I will not have to make any decisions at all. Other popular children topics include: how many toys my children can have at age three, will I or won't I pay for their college, how can I force my children to appreciate the Beatles and Pink Floyd, what are acceptable dating ages, is it ethical to implant a chip into your children so you may track their every move, how much will said chip cost on the black market, etc.
101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #5:
Do make a discovery (Bigfoot, a new star, a new theory, an old fossil).
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona – just look at this guy's leg!
*Translation: "using any English that looks anything like this shit."
2 comments:
Awesome. I also spend way too much time contemplating things that I A) have no control over, or B) make no earthly sense. Glad I am not alone. GO ROCKIES!!!!!!
1. Don't tell them you won the lottery.
2. I think they would bark until the neighbors called the police.
3. Oct 19 3:24p.m.
4. Locked. Because then if something does happen, you won't have people asking why you didn't lock the door.
5. No.
6. As soon as they are old enough to leave your side. That way if they get lost, you can find them. You don't need a chip until teen-age years.
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