You Were Always On My Mind

Six things I contemplate too often:

1. I wonder how I would distribute money to friends and family if I won the lottery? Is it better that I pay for your educations and homes or just give you a wad of cash? How much should I give and should it be in payments over time or in one lump sum? I have four grandparents, two parents, one sibling, six nieces and nephews, six aunts and uncles, twelve cousins, and countless friends (and that doesn't even begin to count Russ's side of the family which is at least three times the size of mine). Of course, I know next to nothing about how tax laws work in these situations so it is all just very loose speculation, but I have put quite a bit of thought into it. You should also know that I plan this stuff out having never (not ever) purchased a lottery ticket.

2. I wonder if I die suddenly alone in my home and no one finds me for several days, will my dogs begin to eat my decomposing body. (Also, which of the two will dig in first?)

3. I wonder when it will not be so nauseatingly hot in South Carolina.

4. I wonder if I am better off with locked or unlocked car doors. While at a stoplight I feel more secure with locked doors so I am not carjacked, obviously. But what if I end up in a lake or river and my brave rescuer dives into the freezing water to haul my unconscious body to safety but cannot get the stupid doors open because they are all locked? I don’t want to drown. Or suppose my car is on fire and I need to be out before everything starts exploding but the Jaws of Life won't be on the scene for another ten long minutes. How easy is it to break a car window and pull out a limp body while not being burned alive? Locked - unlocked – carjacking – drowning?

5. I wonder if (after 99 years) the Cubs will finally win the World Series.

6. I wonder if I will let my young children have cell phones. At what age? How many minutes a month? Can I monitor their text messages and take their cell phones away if they are uzn ne nglish dat l%ks NEthing lyk dis sht?* I like to have this type of child rearing stuff planned out in advance so fifteen years from now I will not have to make any decisions at all. Other popular children topics include: how many toys my children can have at age three, will I or won't I pay for their college, how can I force my children to appreciate the Beatles and Pink Floyd, what are acceptable dating ages, is it ethical to implant a chip into your children so you may track their every move, how much will said chip cost on the black market, etc.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #5:
Do make a discovery (Bigfoot, a new star, a new theory, an old fossil).
Don't run with the bulls in Pamplona – just look at this guy's leg!

- lada, the other white meat

*Translation: "using any English that looks anything like this shit."

Three Shorties

Family Visits
This is one of my nieces who didn't want her picture taken. I tried to explain that I must take pictures because she is growing up so fast, but she wasn't having it. Leah has a purple cast on her other arm because she broke her wrist falling out of her bunk-bed. The silly girl lost her balance when she reached too far over the side of the bed in an attempt to spin the ceiling fan by hand. At least Aunt lada was able to sign the cast while in town.
Here is a poster Leah drew for me with her sister Hannah. I am not really sure I fully understand the symbolism of the three suns, but I definitely dig it.

I Get Your Point - Now Quit Wasting Our Tax Dollars
State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. He said on Monday that it is to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. The lawsuit against the Almighty was filed on Friday and seeks an injunction ordering God to cease harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats. The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make threats of terror and grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts,* genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."

But you didn't think God was going to take this lying down did you? Oh no, God got a lawyer from Texas! The attorney, Eric Perkins responded, "Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction ... over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness."
As for the contention that God made threats of terrorism and inspired fear, Perkins wrote that God "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."

I briefly found this lawsuit entertaining/amusing. I then remembered how much our Judicial System costs and then I was peeved/irked/incensed/galled and perhaps even a bit vexed.

Easy Access Public Transportation?
Anyone who refers to the Chicago Transit Authority as the "C.T.A." or the Charlotte Area Transit System as "C.A.T.S" will be pleased with the acronym for Seattle's new South Lake Union Trolley.
Come on kids - let's all go ride the S.L.U.T.!

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #4:
Do catch a fish with your bare hands.
Don't eat snails, even when called “escargot.”

- if lada had a hammer, she'd hammer in the morning

*Can I get a "whoop, whoop!" for seven astonishing alliterations in a row?

For Stefens

Chiefs vs. Bears
I am so torn! For many years I have safely cheered for the Chiefs as my AFC team and the Bears as my NFC team. In all those happy years I have never had to deal with the type of crisis that I will face this Sunday when the two are going to play each other. I am going to Chicago to go to the game, of course, but what color is a girl supposed to wear?
I lean toward Kansas City because I grew up Chiefs fan. I remember rushing home from mass Sunday mornings to make the kickoff. I remember watching the games with the television muted and the radio in the living room turned up because my dad preferred listening to the guys at 101 "The Fox" over the moronic television commentators. I remember learning how to poor a beer so it had just the right amount of head and eating endless green pistachios in front of the T.V. I remember sharing a drink with Tony Gonzalez and painting my toenails the perfect shade of Chief's red. Football Sundays in Kansas City were freaking awesome. Go Chiefs!
Then I moved to Chicago and, unable to watch many KC games, the Bears swooped in to fill my Sunday afternoon void. If I am married to the Chiefs, I have had a long, loving (at times, more fulfilling) affair with the Bears. Da Bears. The Coach. The Fridge. The Shuffle. The Monsters of the Midway. How can I go to a Bears game and not sing "Bear Down"? How can I walk through the columns of Soldier Field wearing red? And it isn't just the boys on the team, I love the people of Chicago and the city itself and to be in Chicago and cheer for the visiting team. . . not so smart. Russ has been calling me a traitor for weeks.

No matter whom I choose, there will be betrayal and guilt; I will probably need all sorts of therapy afterwards. (Or, more likely, my first stiff drink in six weeks. Yes, you read that correctly, I have been dry for six, effen weeks. Mmm, Effen Black Cherry. . . yum.)

While we are back in Chi-town we will also be seeing a Broadway play, a Fire soccer game, a couple of Cubs games, and we are thinking about squeezing in a Notre Dame game (or at least some South Bend tailgating). Add in some quality family time, a couple deep-dish pizzas, and some real fall weather and I am set for a good vacation.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #3:
Do win an award, trophy or prize.
Don't waste time hunting for the "best" parking spot.

- apparently lada is taking requests

Any Press is Good Press?

Brittney made the paper. Chicago's Red Eye September 5, 2007 - page 55.
"The recent western-themed Glamorama party at Macy's brought out...a few cowboy hats."

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #2:
Do swim with the scariest, biggest, most intelligent and most colorful creatures in the sea.
Don't try to bathe with just a sliver of soap.

- lada stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum

Slanguage

Merriam-Webster has announced the new words that will be added to the 2007 edition of the dictionary and a couple are portmanteaux: Ginormous (gigantic + enormous) and Crunk (crazy + drunk). Portmanteau was a word that meant a large suitcase that was divided into two separate compartments. The word took on a new meaning when Lewis Carroll used it in Through the Looking Glass to describe two separate words blended together into one word – specifically when Humpty D is explaining to Alice the meaning of various nonsense words in the Jabberwocky poem.

English lesson aside, I thought I would give you a few of my own personal favorite portmanteaux:

Compunicate (computer + communicate)
“Send me an email next week so we can compunicate about a plan for the meeting.”

Prostitot (prostitute + tot)
“Did that little girl’s parents actually let her out of the house dressed like a prostitot?”

Anticipointment (anticipation + disappointment)
“I was overwhelmed with anticipointment when the Cubs lost in 2003.”

Definotly (definitely + not)
“Will I go with you to your gynecologist appointment? Definotly.”

Sacrilicious (sacrilegious + delicious)
“The vegetarian enjoyed every sacrilicious bite of her fillet mignon.”

Chillax (chill + relax)
“Dude, I’m just chillaxing on the couch watching QVC.”

Posilutely (absolutely + positively)
“Do I want chocolate cake for breakfast? Posilutely!”

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #1:
Do write a best selling novel.
Don't watch the colorized version of It's a Wonderful Life.

- lada's is the face that launched a thousand ships