Survival Plans

In light of the recent hurricanes, tsunamis, wildfires and locust plagues - Time magazine suggested that I make a list of items that I would grab (in ten minutes) to take with me in the event of an emergency evacuation. It was actually pretty hard to come up with stuff considering most things are replaceable these days.

1. The dogs - if we were stuck living in a tent city, they would serve as my own personal tongue bath (or a lite dinner if we got really desperate).
2. External hard drive - can I tell you how awesome it feels to know that I have uploaded almost every single picture I own and my entire musical library onto one easily transportable piece of plastic and metal?
3. File with personal papers - this is one of those answers that feels like you have to say it but the more I think about it, I realize that all of my accounts and policies are easily accessible online, the passport can be replaced and termite contract probably wouldn't matter much anymore. Never mind, I strike this lame answer off my list.
3. Books - I chose four: Eye of the World, signed by the recently deceased Robert Jordan; Slaughterhouse Five, stolen from my high school library after the bastards tried to kick me out and ban me; The Neverending Story, a spectacular gift from the DCM that represents everything I love about family, my childhood, and unsolved mysteries; The Bobbsey Twins, a copy given to my mother from her parents that she then passed down to me that I will one day give to Harley when she learns how to read.
4. The strand of pink pearls that decorated both my grandmother's neck on her wedding day and my wedding bouquet four years ago.
5. Food and water
6. Clean underwear and sneakers
7. Russ

The other doomsday question recently asked of me: What would you do if you found out you only had sixty minutes to live before a meteor destroys the planet? (Assuming phone lines are jam packed and you can't call anyone.)
As you would expect, common answers were sex and pray. An odd answer more than one person said was looting (morons).
Me? A really good meal with Russ and a snuggle with the puppies. Or, since they say it is better than sex and I would have nothing to lose, maybe a big shot of heroin.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #8:
Do realize your childhood dream.
Don't worry about the inconsistencies on Gilligan's Island. (But if it was a three hour tour, why did the professor have stacks of books?)

- it wasn’t lada, it was the one-armed man

The Day of the Dolphin

The beauty of a work trip to Mexico is that you get to go to Mexico for free. And since the company was paying for everything (except for sushi and drinks after 11:00 PM), Russ and I justified splurging a bit on some touristy type of stuff that we would normally pass on – we swam with the dolphins.

If you are like me, you have this lovely image of dolphins in your mind. They are smart and graceful, sleek, gentle, and downright magical. I believed these things until I got into the water with four of them and realized they are 750 pounds of pure muscle and sharp teeth. They are hard and rubbery – think the bat suit without the Val Kilmer nipples. (Dolphins have nipples, they are just tucked inside the body until a baby tongues them, then they pop out - this way they stay streamline. Same goes for the penis except I don’t believe any tonguing is required to pop it out.) The dolphin’s skin is very smooth as you would expect, and it stays this way because they shed it all every couple of hours. This means that when you pet it, your hand comes away covered in pieces of this weird rubbery grey skin. Not so magical.

And the teeth! The giant mouth full of all these sharp evil looking teeth right up in your face. And they bite each other all the time. You can see that all of them are covered in scars where they have mauled each other. The one that we spent the most time with (dolphin Tina) actually had a bloody gash on her side where another mother had snapped at her. So you spend $120 to pet the dolphins, and you get a handful of skin and blood in return.

Legend says that if you rub a dolphin’s belly button, it will bring you five years good luck. My advice to you, dear readers - when the dolphin rolls onto her back so that you may rub her lucky belly button, be sure to rub the actual belly button and not go anywhere near the other thing a few inches further down that is oozing a greenish substance that smells a bit fishy. And when that green ooze begins to break up and float towards you in a hundred, unavoidable pieces, just pretend like you are at the spa mud bath. Basically, if you have read this book and weren’t sure if it was fiction, I can promise you that it does apply to dolphins.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #7:
Do be a part of a threesome. (I'm not sure about this one...)
Don't use premium gas when regular is appropriate.

- a lada in the hand is worth two in the bush

Go Cubs Go

This was a couple weeks ago when we went back to Chicago for vacation. Cubs beat the Reds in an amazing come from behind win. We were sitting out in the bleachers so Karen made this sparkly sign hoping we would be on TV. Anyone see us?

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #6:
Do throw a house party when your parents are out.
Don't try to figure out the lyrics to "Louie, Louie."

- lada spelled backward comes out adal