I'm a Sour Girl

Ooooh, scary
Ernesto is happening outside my window. Rain. More rain. Russ calling from Savannah to ask how the gutters he recently hung are working with all the rain - they're working fine. More rain and some rain. I went for a run and got wet. Wind and rain. No flooding, so all is groovy. I am a rock in these kinds of rainy, crisis situations.

You know who you are
Look you effen lurkers. If you have a comment, put it in the little section marked "comments." Don't email or text message it to me.
No, you don't have to have an account - just select "other" and type in any damn name you want to use that day, or be anonymous if you're really a pansy-ass bitch*.

What the cocksucker?
Everything I read said they were only making three seasons of Deadwood. After the finale the other night, I am hoping this isn't the case. It was very anti-climactic for a series finale. My opinion: more people should be brutally murdered (but then I say that about a lot of things).

Your turn
Oh, the book, the book. I had to unpack. . . and paint. . . and stuff.
Anyway, here's the current book status (à la the end of an IM with Matt):

lada: i'm off to make dinner
mrotert: well enjoy that you little homemaker
lada: barf
mrotert: barefoot and pregnant
lada: with a best selling novel
mrotert: you started that one yet?
lada: eh...
lada: no, any ideas?
mrotert: start with a good character
lada: can i have a retard character named matt
mrotert: yes
mrotert: just don't have a plumber because a) i want one and b) what problems do they have?
lada: i think i'm going to start with some shorts on lada land - break into the fiction slowly
mrotert: sounds like a plan
lada: stay tuned

Which is where you faithful readers come in - send me your queer, quaint, quirky (glory to the alliteration god) ideas and I will write you the story - and if it turns into a book, I'll even shake your hand.

Quote of the day - Callan Pinckney: Now for the exciting pelvic rotations!

- lada minds her own bee's wax

*Okay, that was a little mean, you can be anonymous, I won't call you names. . . sissy.

Free Association: II

(previously on Free Association)

. . . I like college lined paper much better than wide rule, but truth be told, I mostly type. Typing really keeps things much cleaner, it’s like soap for my penmanship. I think Dial soap smells better than Ivory soap; however, if it’s ebony vs. ivory we’re talking about, I really have no preference - unless it is in a game of chess. Then there is only one color to be and that is the color that is going to win because every one wants to win; unless of course, you are a Cubs fan, then you have no choice in the matter. I suppose you could chose to be a White Sox fan but really white sox are so blah, you should try a nice plaid or argyle. That is unless you’re going to Argyle, Texas, then you might be better off just staying home - preferably on a range, preferably where deer and antelope play kickball and capture the flag, or maybe they just fly the flag. Of course they could always burn the flag which is their right, or possibly their left – it is hard for them to tell with hooves for hands. Along with, I would assume, giving the classic "a-okay" sign or a hitchhiker’s thumbs up sign which means no fuzzy antelope playing Heads up 7-up, a pointless children’s game that you can very easily cheat at by peeking at everyone’s shoes. But if you are the type who only plays fair, then know I will still win in the end, but the fight will be a long, hard, sweaty one and afterwards when we hit the showers, there will be bar after bar of Ivory soap, but no Dial to be seen, and I will wonder, “Who’s the real winner now?”

I also think raspberries are a more refined fruit than melons. But that's a whole other story. . .

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Ivory Bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote in and told how much they loved that it floated and it has floated ever since.

- Frankly, my dears, lada doesn't give a damn

At least I still have my AK

lada land is generally a "politics free" zone. But my civil liberty radar has been bleeping at me more and more since moving south. (Did you click on civil liberty? You should. I heart the Urban Dictionary.) The most notable blips:

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

• This month Evolutionary Biology was removed from the list of acceptable fields of study for recipients of a federal education grant for low-income college students - until the New York Times made a stink and it was quickly added to a revised list citing a "misunderstanding".
• I am at a loss to find a reason not to sell alcohol on Sundays (actually from 7:00PM Saturday night to 7:00AM Monday morning). No bottle of wine with dinner on Saturday night. No margaritas at the dinner party. No beer with football. Granted it is merely an annoyance because I will just keep a well stocked fridge, but it still rankles. If I am over twenty-one and not operating a vehicle, why the hell is Sunday different than any other day of the week?
  "Because the Lord rested on that day" they say, "It is the Lord's day." Umm, didn't the Lord rest with a brew and little weenies like I do on Sunday? Come on people there are 228 references to wine in the bible. Including John 2:1-11 where Jesus kept a wedding reception bumbin' by changing the water into a fine wine when the host ran out - seriously, it was like 150 gallons worth. I think the Big Guy is okay with us drinking on his special day. Which doesn't really matter because those who don't believe in said "Big Guy" should not be restricted by the believers'...uh...beliefs.
• N. Carolina statute 14 - 201.5: "It shall be unlawful for any person to practice the arts of phrenology, palmistry, clairvoyance, fortune-telling and other crafts of a similar kind in the counties named herein. Any person violating any provision of this section shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor." Which means if lada gives up on astrology and invests in tarot cards (in her own home, for her own use!) she is screwed.
• A man was arrested for tattooing in his hometown of Florence, S. Carolina in 1999 after he tattooed on a South Carolina television news program in protest of the law banning tattooing in the state. He was convicted of the offense, and appealed his case to the S.C. Supreme Court. In 2002, In a 4-1 decision, the high court said a 1960's state law banning tattooing didn't violate free speech rights under the First Amendment. (?) The biggest problem was State Senator Jakie Knotts. Here's some of what he had to say on the subject:
  - "If God wanted you to have a tattoo, you would have been born with one....here in South Carolina, we still believe in God."
  - "It's spelled out very vividly in the Bible that tattooing is taboo."
  - "I just don't believe in marking up the body that the good Lord gave you."
  - "You get me a letter from the president of the South Carolina Baptist Association endorsing Senator Mescher's bill and I just might change my mind ."
  
  Then Whitewater attorney, Kenneth "let me introduce you to Monica Lewinsky" Starr decided to take the case. Long story short, Body Art Ink Tattoos just opened up in Myrtle Beach and celebrated inking the first legal tattoo in the state this year on March 28. Wow, 2006 and not a day too soon. Chalk another one up for Satan.

Quote of the day - Leviticus 19:27-29: "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."

- Thou shalt have no other blogs besides lada

Two Reasons

I Wanna Be Sedated (episode 32)
It appears the writers over at HBO are frequent visitors to lada land because Entourage unabashedly stole my list thingy.
I am okay with this because:

1. Entourage is a super, awesomely cool show which in turn means my brain must also be super, awesomely cool because HBO and I think alike.
2. I am expecting a royalty check any day now. Woo hoo, round o' drinks on lada!

If you show me real love baby, I'll show you mine. . .
I like Paris Hilton's new song. Yes, I just said that. I know she is a disaster. I know we all wish she would just shut the hell up and f-f-fade away. But why should I hold her against the song?

1. She was born with that voice. No real credit deserved there.
2. The people who wrote it have skills - they've written songs for a whole host of talent: Madonna, Santana, Marc Anthony, Whitney, Roy Orbison, Bette, Britney, Tina Tuner, Kelly Clarkson, Enrique Iglesias. Yes, it is the musical equivalent of a big chewy piece of pink Bubblicious, but isn't that half the fun? Not everything can be a Lennon/McCartney original.

Good TV. Better TV. DIRECTV.
We are keeping cable. We are getting a dish. Both, huh? Ummm. . .

1. Time Warner sucks. Bad. The menus are awkward, the DVR doesn't work, and no NFL Network means no Chiefs on Thanksgiving. Unacceptable.
2. I am too leery of the "if the wind blows you will lose reception" dish horror stories to give up cable completely. So, we are going to keep both for a bit (read: football season) and see which we prefer come February. NFL Ticket, whoopee!

Quote of the day - Mathew: Jesus is coming. Look busy.

- Oh lada! So hot! Want to touch the hiney ! Arrroooooooo!

Avast!

I haven't had a lot to say lately - until I discovered pirates! There is apparently a booming subculture of pirates who dress up and go to pirate dinner parties/bars and drink rum. That's right kids - Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball does exist!

Here's some of the best pirate stuff I came across:
Pirate weddings at FantaSeas
International Talk Like a Pirate Day - September 19th (see this guy on Wife Swap Sept. 18)

Pirate pick up lines:
- They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
- I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
- Well blow me down?
- Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!
- Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?
- Prepare to be boarded.
- Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation? (software pirates only)

Whatever you do, don't forget the jokes
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

Did you hear about the pirate who took up boxing?
He had a killer right hook!

Where do pirates get their roast beef sandwiches?
Arrrrby's

What do a pirate and a pimp have in common?
They both say "Yo Ho!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies, "I don't know. . . but it's driving me nuts!"

What is a pirate's favorite letter?
P - because it's an R, but it's missing a leg

A rose by any other. . .
Here you can trade in you lame land lubber name and get a RAD PIRATE NAME!*
My pirate name: Huge Angie Jones
Russ: Jelly Legs Jim
Asia: Pirate Julia the Staggering Drunk (oh so fitting)

- arrrr, lada likes her wenches salty

* lada's gangsta name: Wobbly Stank Ho, and mafia name: Twisted Natalia Brassi

The Stars are Aligned

Having finished Blindness (damn good novel) last week, I called Matt hoping for a book recommendation because he has excellent literary taste. I've heard a couple people recommend author Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club) in the past, but I had never picked up any of his stuff. So, when Matt advised I try his fourth book, Choke, ("A dark comedy about sexual addiction, chocolate pudding, religious relics and the Heimlich Maneuver.") I decide to try it. Yes, I am going to go to the book store and buy this book - UNTIL (play sinister music: Dun Dun DUUN): The next day we were waiting for a table at Wild Wings and as I idly flipped through the local paper, I came across the Astrology Section. This is what I read:

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I was at an airport bookstore. A businessman near me plucked Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted from the shelf and said to his companion, "I've heard this book makes some people actually vomit. Listen to this passage." He read it aloud. It was about a guy who eats 10 freeze-dried turkey dinners and dies when his stomach literally explodes. Moments after reciting this gruesome tale, the businessman collapsed and went into convulsions. I knelt down and cradled his head. A saleswoman called paramedics, and 15 minutes later he was fine. "That never happened to me before," he said. "I don't have epilepsy. It must have been a reaction to what I read." The moral of the story, Aries: Words will have a potent effect on you in the coming days. You should therefore surround yourself not with Palahniuk-type curses but with good news and uplifting stories and people who dispense articulate blessings.

(No shit)
Hmmm...
This of course means I now must purchase every book Chuck Palahniuk has ever written and read them to see if anything funky happens. I will keep you, brave reader, posted.

Unrelated side note - My pilot light is out and will not stay lit for more than ten minutes. I dislike cold showers and so I haven't taken one lately. Good thing someone is coming to fix it today.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: A very colorful phrase, one needs to be careful when using "balls to the wall". Although its real origin is very benign, most people assume it is a reference to testicles. In fact it is from fighter planes. The "balls" are knobs atop the plane's throttle control. Pushing the throttle all the way forward, to the wall of the cockpit, is to apply full throttle.

- lada will charm your pants off

Ridin' Dirty

I went to Mr. Tint yesterday to get my car windows tinted in the hope of blocking out some of the relentless sun. I went in planning on getting the darkest legal tint and walked out with a not-exactly-legal-but-it-looks-bad-ass-on-my-car tint. No more speeding for lada.

Then I had this text message conversation with Kare:

lada: Tinted windows - Im a gangsta
Karen: Rollin' wit da homeys. . .
lada: Now I can snort blow off my dashboard and the feds wont know!
Karen: Good. . . Cuz that whole thing was a mess last time you got caught
lada: Damn Colombian prison guards - vengence will be mine!
Karen: Colombia. . . or Columbia. . . Ha!

If you're ever on Jeopardy: In October 1999, it was announced that more than 99 percent of bank notes showed traces of cocaine in the UK - mainly through cross exposure in cashpoints; although 5 percent of the notes had been used directly to snort the drug.

- lada is like a box of chocolates, too much can cause nausea

Battle Wounds

Remember those girls from the car wreck a couple months ago who were misidentified?

This list of features* should make me easy to distinguish from imposters (in the rare case you don't recognize me by my grumpiness and/or my ingenious wit):

Neck - April, 1981 - Birthmark that was later nicknamed my "Hickey from God" by a nine-year-old Ryan Saling.

Forehead (stitches) - 1984 - I was playing "Jan of the Jungle" (great cartoon) and tried to dive under the coffee table, but missed and instead dove straight into it, slicing my head open.

Forehead - 1986 - chicken pox

Nose (stitches) - 1991 - Dog bite. I cannot remember the poor dog's name; he was put down.

Right inside thigh (stitches and drain tube) - Summer, 1993 - A weird piece of bone had begun growing off my femur - super! Then cartilage formed on the end of the offshoot of bone to protect the muscles, which gave the entire oddity a shape similar to a stalk of broccoli. They cut it out and I was ticked off that I never got to see it. I would have saved it in a jar on my dresser next to my jewelry boxes.

Left wrist - 2000 - Karen's nails and I weren't getting along that evening because I was drunk.

Right ankle - August, 2001 - Radiohead tattoo I broke down and got the day after I met Thom Yorke. Still an awesome night; still a great tattoo, I just wish it weren't on my ankle

Right upper calf - 2002 - It seemed like a good idea to sit while ironing my shirt on the floor, until I put the iron down on my leg.

Right bicep - 2003 - I was taking my meatloaf out of the oven and somehow in the bending of my arms, touched the (hot, hot, hot!) pan to my arm. This one has faded pretty well by now, but was still easily viewable during the wedding and subsequent photos. At least I didn't drop the meatloaf.

Left forearm - January 1st, 2006 - Another iron burn. . .

Left bicep - June, 2006 - Attack of the killer sister. This was after we went to a Cub's game that they lost. I place our aggressive mood at their feet.

- lada has outdated technology, poor fuel economy and tank-like roadholding, but has gained popularity thanks to her ruggedness, spacious interior, massive boot and low asking price

*Dates are estimated because I am not going to call my Mom at 7:15 AM to ask how old I was when I got the chicken pox.

Flinging Poo

You people - you are the people who encourage the Wayans brothers to continue to make movies. I hate you people:

We visited the Columbia zoo on Friday. Now as far as zoos go, this one is pretty decent. There was only a bit of the obsessive/compulsive pacing (from the grizzlies) that usually leaves me wishing I had just stayed home to watch the Discovery Channel. Instead we watched raw meat launched across the "safety chasm" to the five hungry tigers, fed exotic birds nectar from a cup while they perched on my arm and head, and stood a few feet from an annoyed 300 lb. gorilla banging on the glass; these thing make for an entertaining (and holy crap I almost peed my pants) zoo outing.

Which means I could leave it at an enjoyable family fun day, but since I am nothing if not crabby - on to the complaining:

1) What is so funny about monkey butts? Baboons have odd asses. We get it. I would understand if humans found them interesting because their bums are a unique trait that we don't share - something along the lines of an elephant's trunk say, but they seem only to want to point and laugh. I remember my first run in with a monkey butt - I was fascinated (and maybe a bit repulsed, pink blisters don't look good on anyone). But this curiosity was at a very early age, and I was never amused, merely confounded. At some point, I learned that the bigger and brighter the baboon bottom, the more fertile the female; therefore, the more interested the male. What about this is comedic? Now the colorful hind quarters are nothing more to me than another notch in Darwin's bedpost. The point is, a forty-something year old man should not turn to his adult companion at the baboon exhibit and say, "Look at those butts!" and then giggle. What an ass! (See, I'm just as clever as him.)

2) Captian Obvious: when an animal is defecating, you do not need to say pointing, "Look, he's shitting!" It is difficult to toilet train a llama and if the zoo gave you a six foot square of dirt to stand in while hundreds of people stare, you would shit right there as well. (Now, that's a zoo I'd pay to see.) How is it - after changing diapers, cleaning out litterboxes, picking up behind our dogs, and wiping our own asses (except for myself, of course. I don't poop. I'm a lady) - after all that, how are we are still amused by feces?

3) No shit Sherlock (look at those puns go!): when you go to the zoo and it is 100° outside, the elephant enclosure is not going to smell of Old Spice. Furthermore, if there are four people in front of you and every single one them makes a comment along the lines of: "It stinks! - Smell that shit! - Holy crap! - and Someone took a dump!" you leave the fifth person no choice but to say, "We're in a freaking zoo! What did you expect? Are you new?"

A more useful note:

South Carolina has a lot of snakes that grow to be hundreds of feet long because the temperature never falls below 90° so they never, ever die, they just keep eating. So, utilizing the zoo to the full educational purpose for which it was created, I learned how to recognize the vicious man eaters from innocent look-alikes:

Quote of the day - Mother-in-law: We only drove a couple blocks when we decided 'What the heck?' we're going to turn around and go back so we can stay with you guys an extra day!

- lada unhinges her jaw and swallows her prey whole