Creepster Deluxe
I have a weirdo neighbor.
The day the moving truck was here, most of our neighbors stopped by to briefly introduce themselves and then leave (as we were obviously busy with moving men). Not Pat - this guy comes over and doesn't leave. He stays way past the who-are-you-where-are-you-from conversation and well into the awkward so-how-about-this-weather stage. And our relief at his eventual departure was short lived because he came back an hour later to blah, blah, blah.First, I am not interested in the cat this guy is "fostering" for the week and secondly, even if his cat was über interesting, I wouldn't be able to follow the conversation about it because Pat has this funny eyes rolling into the back of his head/closed eyelids way of talking that makes you think he is having a seizure. And while you're busy trying to figure out what in god's name is happening to him you completely miss everything he just said about the wild rabbit he saw the other day that he gave a carrot. Ahh! Go away.
And just in case I thought maybe the guy was just being friendly - yesterday Pat (I'm mean really, your name is PAT? This douche is the picture of a pedophile. Single male, early fifties, has a new pet to foster every week. "Come here little children, pet my bunny...") knocks on our door. Russ answers and listens to Pat tell him about the new dog he is getting and "Oh, I just moved here from North Carolina and I am going to register my car tomorrow. You have to pay property taxes; so, if you want to tell me your car types and serial numbers, I could probably register your's while I'm there. I mean, I don't know if ya'll want to just give me a blank check or what, but it would save you a trip downtown."
Let me think - Pass.
Let's do the time warp again
I really didn't know what people meant when they said the South was slow. And I would ask and no one could ever really explain what they meant. Now I get it. I leave on an errand that I expect to take half an hour and four hours later I am getting home wondering what the hell happened. I don't think I have ever heard so much idle chit chat with the Target checkout lady in my life. She really doesn't need to know that the rug is the perfect color to match your living room - just pay for it and move on. Oh crap you have to write a check? Who writes checks at Target? EVERYONE! And of course, we can't write it out while she is scanning your twenty back to school folders - oh no - we don't even start looking for the checkbook in the massive shoulder bag until we have the grand total.
And the heat, my god, man. The heat. If I bring one drink in the car thinking I will only be gone for twenty minutes, I am parched three hours later in line at Bed Bath and Beyond. However, if I bring more than one drink, thinking I am planning ahead, it is undoubtedly boiling after only an hour sitting in my black car. This means I have to stop at Sonic to get a monster cherry limeade which adds another ten minutes to my trip. I heart Sonic.
What is that growing on my breast?
Kroger doesn't sell skinless chicken. No, I am not lying or mistaken. How can this be possible? Thinking back, I don't believe I have ever bought chicken that had skin on it. . . ever. Mostly because it is ridiculously bad for you. Did South Carolina not get this memo? WTF
Lot's more to tell, but the in-laws and nephew (originally thought they were coming this Saturday - that got bumped up to possibly Wednesday or Thursday) called a couple hours ago to let me know they had made it to Tennessee and will be spending the night there and heading our way tomorrow. (Insert just about any line from Deadwood here!) I don't even have a washer and dryer yet. Anyway, gotta go unpack more dirty linens for the guest rooms.
If you're ever on Jeopardy: The highest temperature ever recorded on Earth was 136 degrees in El Azizia, Libya in 1922.
- Ob-la-di Ob-lada
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Name Game
God, I love paint colors.
Graige - living room
Buoyant Blue - dining room (above chair rail)
Brevity Brown - dining room (below chair rail)
Mocha - office
Mysterious Mauve - half bath (yet to be painted)
Samovar Silver - guest bathroom (yet to be painted)
Bonsai Tint - master bedroom
I have to stay focused at Sherwin-Williams or I find myself sucked into the vortex of reading all the little names on every card. "Ooooh, Wine Frost sounds goods or Gobi Desert. Hmmm, Chocolate Sparkle or maybe Flint Smoke. . ."
Do you remember about fifteen years ago Crayola came out with several new colors (64 - the biggest box of crayons* ever!) and had a contest to name them. The winners had their names printed on the crayon along with the winning entries. I don't recall what uncreative colors I sent in because I did not win. Whomever entered the names Macaroni and Cheese and Timber Wolf won. There were several other awesomely clever names, but those two are the only lucky winners leaping to mind. I guess I could look; I still have my box of 64 crayons packed in one of these boxes. . . ask Kare, she'll know.
Quote of the day - lada: "Maybe it won't look that green after the furniture is moved in and we hang the curtains and turn off the light."
- lada, lada bo bada, bonana fanna fo fada, fee fy mo fada, lada
*Did any of you people call crayons, crayolas? Children who did this irritated me when I was a kid - still do actually. It now seems a good thing that I am not a kindergarten teacher or this annoyance would come up quite a bit more frequently than it does in my current position: painter.
Graige - living room
Buoyant Blue - dining room (above chair rail)
Brevity Brown - dining room (below chair rail)
Mocha - office
Mysterious Mauve - half bath (yet to be painted)
Samovar Silver - guest bathroom (yet to be painted)
Bonsai Tint - master bedroom
I have to stay focused at Sherwin-Williams or I find myself sucked into the vortex of reading all the little names on every card. "Ooooh, Wine Frost sounds goods or Gobi Desert. Hmmm, Chocolate Sparkle or maybe Flint Smoke. . ."
Do you remember about fifteen years ago Crayola came out with several new colors (64 - the biggest box of crayons* ever!) and had a contest to name them. The winners had their names printed on the crayon along with the winning entries. I don't recall what uncreative colors I sent in because I did not win. Whomever entered the names Macaroni and Cheese and Timber Wolf won. There were several other awesomely clever names, but those two are the only lucky winners leaping to mind. I guess I could look; I still have my box of 64 crayons packed in one of these boxes. . . ask Kare, she'll know.
Quote of the day - lada: "Maybe it won't look that green after the furniture is moved in and we hang the curtains and turn off the light."
- lada, lada bo bada, bonana fanna fo fada, fee fy mo fada, lada
*Did any of you people call crayons, crayolas? Children who did this irritated me when I was a kid - still do actually. It now seems a good thing that I am not a kindergarten teacher or this annoyance would come up quite a bit more frequently than it does in my current position: painter.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Moving
Green Acres is the place for me
Farm livin' is the life for me
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside
New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue
...The chores
...The stores
...Fresh air
...Times Square
You are my wife.
Good bye, city life!
Green Acres we are there
Farm livin' is the life for me
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside
New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue
...The chores
...The stores
...Fresh air
...Times Square
You are my wife.
Good bye, city life!
Green Acres we are there
My Fish and Me
I haven't been fishing since Heather and I went when we were like seven - and I seem to remember our poles being pink and blue and having Mickey Mouse on them. Yesterday, eighteen years later, I was using a nice (Russ: "That is a $200 pole - don't break it!") pole.
So how badass am I catching a large mouth bass in half an hour? Of course the animal lover in me kicked in pretty quick when I started petting the thing while Dave was taking out the hook. Tim told me to fillet it and eat it. Hell no, I let that sucka go. Go Fish, my brother - live!
- lada wears pink pigs in memory
So how badass am I catching a large mouth bass in half an hour? Of course the animal lover in me kicked in pretty quick when I started petting the thing while Dave was taking out the hook. Tim told me to fillet it and eat it. Hell no, I let that sucka go. Go Fish, my brother - live!
- lada wears pink pigs in memory
Monday, July 10, 2006
My Days:
- Packing things I don't want the moving guys to touch/sniff.
- Telling people that I am not going to start having babies yet. (However, I may start writing my book.)
- Wondering if anyone will really miss me.
- Avoiding the laundry.
- Finishing our stock of alcohol because the movers won't take anything that has been opened. (Well, I'm not drinking everything - some of that is left over from our house warming party.)
- Take down shelves. Unscrew screws. Spakle. Paint.
- Figuring out how much unused vacation time the company has to pay me for and whether I am fully vested in my 401K.
- Toss, turn. (Repeat)
- Making list after list of accounts I need to close, services I need to cancel, mail I need to forward, addresses I need to update, questions I need to ask, letters I need to fax, faxes I haven't gotten yet, checks I need to sign and blogs I need to write.
- Daydreaming about curtains and paint
- Taking the dogs on car rides. (I seem to think that a ten minute ride to the dry cleaner is going to prepare them for a thirteen hour drive to another region of the country.)
If you're ever on Jeopardy - Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
- l to the dizza
- Telling people that I am not going to start having babies yet. (However, I may start writing my book.)
- Wondering if anyone will really miss me.
- Avoiding the laundry.
- Finishing our stock of alcohol because the movers won't take anything that has been opened. (Well, I'm not drinking everything - some of that is left over from our house warming party.)
- Take down shelves. Unscrew screws. Spakle. Paint.
- Figuring out how much unused vacation time the company has to pay me for and whether I am fully vested in my 401K.
- Toss, turn. (Repeat)
- Making list after list of accounts I need to close, services I need to cancel, mail I need to forward, addresses I need to update, questions I need to ask, letters I need to fax, faxes I haven't gotten yet, checks I need to sign and blogs I need to write.
- Daydreaming about curtains and paint
- Taking the dogs on car rides. (I seem to think that a ten minute ride to the dry cleaner is going to prepare them for a thirteen hour drive to another region of the country.)
If you're ever on Jeopardy - Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
- l to the dizza
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Ninjas are mammals
Random Cookbook Generator Refresh the page at least once.
MLP dance studio and amusement park and coloring book, oh my! But my very favorite is the make your own tiara! You must do this and email it to me. You must.
For everyone who has asked me what I am going to do when I get to South Carolina - I am going to join The Hat Ladies (because hats rock)
Wow this is one Crazy Lady my favorite line, "You are the devil!"
I think Tim had this up before - but in case you missed it - The Official Ninja Webpage.
- lada floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee
MLP dance studio and amusement park and coloring book, oh my! But my very favorite is the make your own tiara! You must do this and email it to me. You must.
For everyone who has asked me what I am going to do when I get to South Carolina - I am going to join The Hat Ladies (because hats rock)
Wow this is one Crazy Lady my favorite line, "You are the devil!"
I think Tim had this up before - but in case you missed it - The Official Ninja Webpage.
- lada floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Marriage Pox (a.k.a. DEATH!)
When did marriage become a disease? Seriously, just mention a husband and people run away like it's catching. Or worse, they figure they are already infected so. . .
Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
lada: Oh, no thanks, I'm married.
Tool: That's okay, I'm married too. We would just have to be careful.
No, no, no. This is not what a conversation about marriage is supposed to sound like. This sounds like you are talking about an STD.
Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
Whore: Oh, no thanks, I have the herp.
Tool: That's okay, I have the herp too. We would just have to be careful.
Gross. Even better is when you get the sympathy reaction like you just told them you have lung cancer:
lada: I'm married
Tool: Ohhh (wincing) . . . how long?
lada: Three years
Tool: That's a shame - how are you dealing with it?
lada: It's great
Tool: Hey, good for you. You're one of the lucky ones. Nice knowing ya.
People. Marriage. Is not. A contagion. Nor is it death. I know some of you single people think marriage equals loss of life:
1) When my friend introduces me she says, "This is my friend, lada. But she's married so. . ." So effen what? I'm married so I can no longer speak on my own? I'm not a real boy? I'm a puppet?
2) In Wedding Crashers:
Guy: Pretty soon, we’ll be getting married.
Girl: Well, not too soon. We still have a lot of things we want to accomplish.
What the hell could she do single that she could not accomplish married?
I'd love to run a marathon . . . oh, no wait - I can't, I have a wife.
I can't climb Mount Everest - I'm married.
I want to buy my first house, but it's too late for me! You see, I'm already married. (sob)
Come on, if someone says they aren't "ready" to get married they mean they aren't sure if they want to marry you. The only legitimate reason to wait is for the (oops!) kid to pop out first so the bride can look hot in her off-white dress.
3) Karen's favorite phrase - "Marriage is for quitters!" What did I quit? Wondering what disease that guy might have - who will buy me jewelry - if he'll remember my name in the morning - if someone will ever love me? Worrying that he might break-up with me for having a difference of opinion - that I might have to spend Thanksgiving alone - that it might be too late to have children - that all the good ones are taken? If that's what I quit, then you got it - I tapped out long ago.
Get married you losers. I can hear your ovaries shriveling up over the sound of my iPod.
- lada, always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
lada: Oh, no thanks, I'm married.
Tool: That's okay, I'm married too. We would just have to be careful.
No, no, no. This is not what a conversation about marriage is supposed to sound like. This sounds like you are talking about an STD.
Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
Whore: Oh, no thanks, I have the herp.
Tool: That's okay, I have the herp too. We would just have to be careful.
Gross. Even better is when you get the sympathy reaction like you just told them you have lung cancer:
lada: I'm married
Tool: Ohhh (wincing) . . . how long?
lada: Three years
Tool: That's a shame - how are you dealing with it?
lada: It's great
Tool: Hey, good for you. You're one of the lucky ones. Nice knowing ya.
People. Marriage. Is not. A contagion. Nor is it death. I know some of you single people think marriage equals loss of life:
1) When my friend introduces me she says, "This is my friend, lada. But she's married so. . ." So effen what? I'm married so I can no longer speak on my own? I'm not a real boy? I'm a puppet?
2) In Wedding Crashers:
Guy: Pretty soon, we’ll be getting married.
Girl: Well, not too soon. We still have a lot of things we want to accomplish.
What the hell could she do single that she could not accomplish married?
I'd love to run a marathon . . . oh, no wait - I can't, I have a wife.
I can't climb Mount Everest - I'm married.
I want to buy my first house, but it's too late for me! You see, I'm already married. (sob)
Come on, if someone says they aren't "ready" to get married they mean they aren't sure if they want to marry you. The only legitimate reason to wait is for the (oops!) kid to pop out first so the bride can look hot in her off-white dress.
3) Karen's favorite phrase - "Marriage is for quitters!" What did I quit? Wondering what disease that guy might have - who will buy me jewelry - if he'll remember my name in the morning - if someone will ever love me? Worrying that he might break-up with me for having a difference of opinion - that I might have to spend Thanksgiving alone - that it might be too late to have children - that all the good ones are taken? If that's what I quit, then you got it - I tapped out long ago.
Get married you losers. I can hear your ovaries shriveling up over the sound of my iPod.
- lada, always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)