Go Forth and Pipe

I need to meet the owner of this car.

Thanks for taking the pictures, Cage - the answer to your question is no one else, and that is why I love you so.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #38:
Do see wild animals in the wild.
Don’t be a passive spectator.

- lada is a recovering Catholic

Sprung

Spring is in the air
Change is blowing her breath on my face
And though the sharp tangs of frost still linger
Her scent is sweet and I want to kiss her

Spring is in the air
The sun is shining down its promises:
Ever more daybreaks and chances anew
I keep breathing and will toast to the dawn’s blushing hue

Spring is in the air
Love’s possibilities are hypnotizing
With their honeyed tastes of what could yet be
But for memories of old hurt and my timidity

Spring is in the air
I try to find footing on fresh, untried legs
My instincts alone I must follow
I will stumble and yet, will walk tomorrow

- lada doesn’t like candles because they make her see the light

Mars, Venus, and T9

Two very different text conversations I had this week. I found both to be odd and yet, rather amusing.

Welcome to the Boys' Club:
DCM: I'm throwing myself back out there. Scholarly bachelordom is overrated.
LADA: Your commitment to scholarly bachelordom only lasted three days
DCM: It's in indefinite status. I reserve the right to resume on short notice.
LADA: Are scholars allowed to be so wishy-washy with their scholarly pursuits?
DCM: Are you naming me a dilettante? For shame! I will maintain my pursuits; I'm simply adding other, more prurient interests.
DCM: The quest for companionship does not preclude "to thine own self be true."
LADA: Said interests can always be used as research for you to write the next great American love story (à la your new favorite novel, A Farewell to Arms) once you have reverted back to your typically antisocial ways.
LADA: Did you meet someone to instigate this change of heart?
DCM: Not yet. Just trying to be more social.
LADA: Well, go get 'em tiger (hearty slap on the back). The ladies better watch out! You old devil, you (fake jab to the chin).
DCM: ...
LADA: What? Is that not how bachelors talk to each other now? I guess I need to brush-up on my lingo...
LADA: Play on, playa! 'Dem bitches be scared of what white boy gonna give 'em from behind, yo! (doing the "Superman" dance)
LADA: Better?
DCM: I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Welcome to the Girls' Club:

WORRIED S.: Dear Period - I know that my womb is a sick place to hang out. But OB is throwing an off the wall party in my vagina! It's gonna be tight! Hope you drop by... -- S.

PERIOD: Dear S. - Sorry I'm late, but I'm so there! Holla! P.S. YOU'RE NOT PREGGERS! Love always, P

WORRIED S.: Dear Period - A week is pretty freaking late! I was starting to worry that one of those nasty little womb demons had kidnapped you! But I'm glad you finally made it! -- S.

PERIOD: Dear S. - My bad on the tardiness. I just got the vibe over the years that you really didn't look forward to my visits. It is nice to feel wanted again! Love always, P

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #37:

Do make fire without matches.

Don't think of Paul Winchell as just a ventriloquist.

- lada is deep like a cemetery

S.o.E.

This summer is now officially titled The Summer of Experiences.
I am going to try my hardest to be open to all kinds of new and different things that come my way (except bread pudding – never the bread pudding). I know it is a little early to be declaring it summer since it is only April, but summer officially began for me with the start of baseball season. And conveniently enough, baseball was actually my first new adventure in this Summer of Experiences:

1. Attend Cubs' opening day game.

Now if only I can add "see the Cubs win the World Series" to my list by the end of this summer.

My second new experience happened a couple days ago and, wow, it is exciting. (Drum roll, please)

2. Eat a pickle.

That’s right kids, I had never before had a pickle. Truthfully, I can’t stand even being close enough to smell them, let alone ever put one in my mouth. But, the opportunity presented itself the other night while I was out with friends in Raleigh, and in the true spirit of The Summer of Experiences, I ate a slice. I chewed it up, swallowed, and then drank half of my beer* in an effort to wash away the flavor. It was disgusting.

3. Write poetry

Though this isn’t a completely new experience, writing verse is not something I would ever normally do of my own volition. But I was told to write one, so I gave it a shot. I have been working on a particular poem for a several days now, and that one I will post when it is done; but in the meantime, you can have the first verse (the other three verses are just drivel) of this other one that popped into my head while I was driving yesterday afternoon.

Blister in the Moon

I still have the blister on my heel
That I earned the last time we walked
Every time it rubs, every time it hurts
It reminds me of you and I sulk

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #36:
Do visit every country (or at least every continent).
Don't spend your loose change.

- parsley, sage, rosemary, and lada*

*You love that Oxford comma don't you, Karen?

Dad In Real Life

To: lada
From: Dad
Subject: Updated Application

Hi daughter,
Since sooner or later you will be back in the dating game, I wanted to get you the current application. I am not as fast as I used to be, so make sure they submitt the app. at least a week ahead of time. I am not as fast as I used to be, so 50 words means 50 words. Finally, I am not as fast as I used to be, so I have decided to skip the baseball bat and go directly to firearms.
All My Love,
Daddy

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________ _________ _________ DATE OF BIRTH_______ ______

HEIGHT______ _____ WEIGHT______ ______ IQ__________ GPA_________ ____

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ ______ DRIVERS LICENSE #___________ _____

MILITARY RANK AND MEDALS______ _________ ________ _________

HOME ADDRESS_____ _________ _________ CITY/STATE__ _________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

Number of years they have been married ____________ _________ _________

If less than your age, explain
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

How often you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ____________ _

Mother? ____________ _

Pastor? ____________ _


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________ _________ ______

_ ___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________ ______

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Mother's Signature/Father's Signature

____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #35:
Do play a part in your favorite TV show.
Don't buy fake wood furniture.

- lada is running like a watercolor in the rain

Black Velvet, If You Please

If you have had a drink with me in the past few months, there is a very good possibility that I asked you this question. And now I have my answer.

To: lada
From: Consumer Care, Guinness
Subject: RE: Green Guinness?

Dear Ms. Lada,

Thank you for taking time to contact Guinness. Your feedback is important to us.

We are proud to inform you that Guinness cans and bottles are all recyclable without removing the widget.

Once again, thank you for contacting Guinness.

Sincerely,
Scott Alcorn
Guinness Consumer Representative

Cheers!
Drinking Responsibly is Brilliant!!


- the law enforcement's impressed lada's survived to this age

That Which We Call A Rose...

As you faithful readers know, the Urban Dictionary is one of my most favorite websites. Look up any random word or phrase and I guarantee their definition is good for a laugh.

Today's Assignment: "What's in a name?"
Go check out the urban definition of you.

Coz:
1. (v) To copy someone else's work and get higher scores than the person you copied it from.
2. (n) A guy that likes to take advantage of drunk juvenile girls.

D:
1. (n) Pagan god in the shady country of Argentina. Most easily recognizable by its huge (read: hypnotic) smile and his devilish hugs which can convert even the most dedicated catholic into a pagan.

First Husband:
1. (n) Ancient Greek translation for "eternal sex-god." It is believed that anyone that holds this name has a great level of skill and ability to perform sexual acts for long periods of time. Men possessing this name are also well endowed.*

Heed:
1. (v) To be pale and to smoke the crack

K-rock:
1. (n) A douchebag
2. (n) A person who deserves to be punched in the liver and pushed into a water fountain.

lada:
1. (n) A drink consisting of vodka, Malibu and lemonade, aptly named because “it makes you sick.”
2. (v) The act of spilling a drink over someone else. Often happens multiple times during a night and is more frequent with alcohol.

M.C.:
1 (n) A loser that was an accident and his parents could not be bothered to think of a real proper name. He is unloved by everyone, but he does not realize it himself. He also tries to make the world a better place, but does the opposite.

Saint:
1. (n) The newest breed of penguin.
2. (n) The modern day Superman, makes little Asian kids cry by hitting them with pillows.

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #34:
Do design your own cocktail.
Don't worry about changing the geopolitical scene.

- lada doesn’t like throwing parties like that (but she loves going to them)

*What's Matt? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!

Gunslingers*

Don't Take Your Guns To Town - Johnny Cash
Shooter - Robin Thicke featuring Lil' Wayne
Gun Street Girl - Tom Waits
Bullet the Blue Sky - U2
Slow Motion - Third Eye Blind
Janie's Got a Gun - Aerosmith
Rocky Raccoon - The Beatles
Bullet Proof. . . I Wish I Was - Radiohead
Gunface - The Rolling Stones
Wake Up Call - Maroon 5
Saphire Bullets of Love - They Might Be Giants
Take the Money and Run - Steve Miller Band
Whiskey in the Jar - Metallica
Hung My Head - Johnny Cash
I Shot The Sheriff - Eric Clapton

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #33:
Do score a hole in one.
Don't see the movie before reading the novel.

- lada shot a man in Reno just to watch him die

*Current iPod playlist

Twenty-Seven (a.k.a. just beer, no cake)

(Chicago Sun-Times, Mathis)
IF APRIL 2 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You learn to trust that your needs will be provided for. You have so much more energy because you stop worrying! You're able to express the romantic side of your personality in fun new circumstances in May. June pushes you to the extremes of your personality, which is why you're astoundingly creative in July. Capricorn and Aquarius adore you. Your lucky numbers are 4, 20, 34, 21 and 17.

(Sun-Times, Nicols)
IS APRIL 2 YOUR BIRTHDAY: Singer Emmylou Harris (1947) shares your birthday today. People like you! You're a decent, honest, sincere straight shooter. There is also a childlike, naive quality to you, which sometimes confuses others. You're full of wonderful ideas and plans. You value your family. You're very true to your values and morals. You always fight for the underdog. In the year ahead, you'll learn or study something important.

(Chicago Tribune)
April 2, 2008 Today's Birthday. This year, you'll be able to inspire people to do important things. This is good, because you'll also run into great difficulties. You'll need everybody on your team to help you power through to success.

(Fortune cookie from sushi dinner)
Find release from your cares, have a good time. Daily Numbers: 4, 2, 9

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #32:
Do see the Aurora Borealis.
Don't eat more than you want.

- lada is lost at sea