Happy Halloween II

Happy Halloween

Last week - I'm in a public restroom in a hotel. I'm just sitting down to pee, when this too friendly women in the stall next to me starts talking:

too friendly: Hello, how are you?
lada: Er. . . I'm good . . . you?
too friendly: What are you doing?
lada: Umm. Uhh. Peeing.
too friendly: What are you doing later tonight?
lada: (freaking out) Actually, I have a business dinner.
too friendly: Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question the person in the stall next to me answers.

Haha! Okay, so that didn't really happen - it's a joke my new boss told at all of our training sessions. Which means I heard it five times and yes, I laughed every freaking time. Do you want to hear his other joke? No? Too bad.

So, I had a meeting with [insert name], your CEO. We were meeting at the airport in one of those executive clubs. I go in using his name and while I'm sitting there waiting, do you know who I see? Bill Gates. Now, I'm a salesman, so I decide to try and make the most of the situation. I go up to him and introduce myself. I tell him I've read all his books and I am a huge fan. Then I tell him I am meeting an important client and could he possible come over and pretend like he knows me? He laughs and says that he admires me just for asking - so, he will be happy to do it.

Later on, I'm in the middle of my meeting with [CEO] and things are going well. Then Bill Gates comes over. He puts his hand on my shoulder, leans over and says to me, "Bob, it's been awhile! How are you?"

I look at him and I say, "Beat it Gates, I'm busy."

Funny? Oh well, they can't all be keepers.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: Everyone knows there are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange. Did you know the same is true for the colors purple and silver? But, who cares about silver and purple. . . they are not pumpkin colors!

- lada has exocised the demons

Drive Fast, Speed Turns Me On

Well, after a whirlwind of a first two weeks at the new job, I'm finally back home. It was one of those trips where you wake up in the morning and can't remember the city you were in when you went to bed. The entire ten days is a blur except that I can clearly remember that I somehow managed to get back to my hotel room to watch the last two minutes of the ND game.

Three other points of interest:

1) Bush Diving - The act of getting drunk and jumping headfirst into shrubbery.

Bush Diving is apparently quite the pass time among my new coworkers. There is a rating system to describe the dive-ability [sic] of various types of bushes. There are pictures of feet sticking up in the air above a row of bushes. There are scrapes and bruises and destroyed clothing. There are stories of trying to explain to a girlfriend why you have scratches all over your back. I have yet to personally participate in this event - but when I do, you will be the first to see the pictures.

Ah, ha! I checked to see if Bush Diving was in my favorite dictionary and what do you know, it does exist.

2) I was taught that three ounces of tomato juice mixed into a beer is a lovely way to start/end the day

3) I was driving to Charlotte and this white Explorer was playing games with me. He spent fifteen minutes either riding my ass or driving right next to me on a two lane highway. I finally got ticked enough to look over and give him my what-the-hell-is-your-problem wave, but before I can fully express my frustration, I saw he was holding up a sign. My first thought was that I had a flat tire and this poor guy had been trying to tell me for miles while I was busy cursing his mother for giving birth. I squinted a little to read the sign and it said: "OK if I admire?" I gave him a little smile and wave to say thanks for the compliment and floored it. He kept up with me for a few more minutes and was still diligently hanging out right next to me. I glanced over again and he had the same sign up. Now, I'm confused. If I obviously acknowledged the sign the first time, why hold up the same sign again? What does he want? To me, admire means admire, but I started to wonder if his definition of admire includes some sort of strange highway sexual act that is more safely performed at speeds of less than 80 miles an hour. I held up my hand, pointed to my wedding ring, waved and sped up again. This time he didn't follow.
The question is, are you single people having highway encounters? And why have I not heard the stories?

Quotes of the day -
October 19, Russ: Was a balloon driving the Explorer that was stalking you?
October 20, Anonymous: I'm pissed that my nipples hurt so bad.
October 21, Karen: I wish I was Brady Quinn's mouthpiece!

- lada has her sleep number tattooed on her bum

Welcome to the Blizzard

I just got home from my first trip back to Chicago (Amy's Friday the thirteenth wedding). Good times (snow and sangria) except I lost my phone somewhere in Wrigleyville. Being that I am a child of speed dial, I don't know any of your phone numbers. Call or text me so I can get everyone put in the new phone.

I'm starting the new job tomorrow and I will be out of town until next Monday. I'm not sure when I will get my laptop, so I may be out of touch with lada land for a bit. I'm sure you will find something to do in the interim - like watch Matt Leinart get pummeled.

Quote of the day - Russ: Someone had diarrhea on the floor. . . and it wasn't me.

- lada keeps her hands at ten and two

lada Professional 2.0

Well, I got the job. I won't bore you with details, let's just say I spent 17 hours flying to Minneapolis and back with an hour lunch and a twenty minute interview squished in the middle. Getting home Wednesday night, I was feeling pretty confident - mostly because fifteen minutes into the lunch I was told "We are going to make you an offer. You still need to have the last interview, but as long as you don't barf, you should be fine."
I managed to keep my gag reflex in check, so I wasn't surprised when they called the next day with the official offer. Yay. In one fell swoop I've managed to almost double what I was making in Chicago. (My new nickname is "toy fund" - meaning Russ is already picking out jet skis. He says when you come to visit, you can watch him ride it.)
When they called to make the offer, my new boss said that I was astute and very warm. Me. Warm. Are you laughing? You are laughing. I hate you.

Orange you glad I didn't say pumpkin
No, no, no. There can't be a pumpkin shortage. It is October. Everything I love about October involves pumpkins: jack-o'-lanterns, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream, fall foliage that changes from green to pumpkin colored, pumpkin bread, pumpkin spice frappuccinos, kids in pumpkin Halloween costumes, pumpkin beer. Bath and Body Works sells a pumpkin face mask. It is nice - it looks like pumpkin pie, it smells like pumpkin pie, it feels how I would imagine pumpkin pie would feel if you smeared it all over your face. It is so damn pumpkin-y that you can't help but stick your tongue out (just the tip, just to see how it feels) and lick a little off your upper lip. Well, I fell into that trap and I can say it tastes awful (Karen can back me up on this). The point is, it is no substitute for the real thing. Who cares about some silly tomato shortage? Get me more pumpkins!

For your viewing pleasure
1) It has to be one of the best internet sites out there
This is my favorite part
Are you ready for the Fat Dollmaker?

2) Watch Lucky Number Sleven - better yet, buy it. It didn't get great reviews, but I thought it was perfect.

Quote of the day - Dave: Will you please link my blog off of yours?

- lada is convulsing while speaking in tongues

I Am A Winner Of Bread

Big congratulations to Matt! He finally got word that he passed the Bar. It is always good to have lawyer friend in life, as well as a doctor friend. Now all I need is a police commissioner friend. . .

I hate the sound of my alarm
When we moved to Carolina, I had planned on not working for at least the first six months. I wanted to have plenty of time to get the house painted and unpacked and get a feel for the city before making any work related decisions. I was perfectly happy living off Russ's money - and when I say Russ's money I mean our money because we are a team. I would support him if gravity shifted and he could no longer fly leaving him an unemployed super hero - or if some freak accident disfigured him and he was unable to be a runway model. I would still feed him. (This is what I tell myself.) The point is, I was not going to work for six months and now look what happened - I'm not even three months in. I wasn't looking for work. Work just found me. (I should have hung garlic over the front door to ward off such evils.)

My old company from Chicago called to let me know a position would soon be available in my area and despite my lack of interest in reentering the workforce, this job is 98.4% perfect for me, which means I can't say no. It's what I'm good at - it's what I enjoy doing - I set my own schedule - I don't have to hire or fire anyone. Almost perfect. The only drawback (other than the fact that it is WORK) is that the size of the area I would be responsible for means I would be on the road two or three days a week. But that objection is quickly squashed when I consider that they are willing to pay me enough money to make me rub my hands together all greedy-like. And giggle.

I had my first interview last week and tomorrow they are flying me to Minneapolis for three more. My flight leaves from Charlotte at 6:00 AM which means I have to get there by 4:45 which means I need to leave the house at 3:30 which means my alarm will be going off at 2:30 AM. This is bad. I usually go to bed around midnight and I know there is no way I can get through a day full of travel and interviews then more travel on two hours of sleep. So, I have been getting up earlier the past several days, hoping to reset my internal clock. It has been going pretty well, other than the late-night phone calls that wake me up. Matt sent a text message at 2:00 AM to tell me he is an Esquire now. Really great, exciting news, that I would have loved to have gotten at any time other than at two in the morning. Karen called after midnight on Sunday because she was leaving the Bears game. (The best freaking team in the NFL right now! Did you see them crush Seattle? And Kansas City shut out the SanFran 41 - 0! Yummy) I am begging all of you now - DON'T CALL ME TONIGHT. I am going to bed at 6:00 EST. If you are drunk, call a cab. If you are dying, go to the emergency room. I love you. Please, let me sleep. You can drunk-dial me on Thursday.

For those of you who still work at the company, please keep quite for the time being. I will call you with details later. Loose-Lips MC, I'm talking to you.

If you're ever on Jeopardy: An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet.

- red rover, red rover, send lada right over