The Marriage Pox (a.k.a. DEATH!)

When did marriage become a disease? Seriously, just mention a husband and people run away like it's catching. Or worse, they figure they are already infected so. . .

Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
lada: Oh, no thanks, I'm married.
Tool: That's okay, I'm married too. We would just have to be careful.

No, no, no. This is not what a conversation about marriage is supposed to sound like. This sounds like you are talking about an STD.

Tool: Can I buy you a drink?
Whore: Oh, no thanks, I have the herp.
Tool: That's okay, I have the herp too. We would just have to be careful.

Gross. Even better is when you get the sympathy reaction like you just told them you have lung cancer:

lada: I'm married
Tool: Ohhh (wincing) . . . how long?
lada: Three years
Tool: That's a shame - how are you dealing with it?
lada: It's great
Tool: Hey, good for you. You're one of the lucky ones. Nice knowing ya.

People. Marriage. Is not. A contagion. Nor is it death. I know some of you single people think marriage equals loss of life:

1) When my friend introduces me she says, "This is my friend, lada. But she's married so. . ." So effen what? I'm married so I can no longer speak on my own? I'm not a real boy? I'm a puppet?

2) In Wedding Crashers:

Guy: Pretty soon, we’ll be getting married.
Girl: Well, not too soon. We still have a lot of things we want to accomplish.

What the hell could she do single that she could not accomplish married?

I'd love to run a marathon . . . oh, no wait - I can't, I have a wife.
I can't climb Mount Everest - I'm married.
I want to buy my first house, but it's too late for me! You see, I'm already married. (sob)

Come on, if someone says they aren't "ready" to get married they mean they aren't sure if they want to marry you. The only legitimate reason to wait is for the (oops!) kid to pop out first so the bride can look hot in her off-white dress.

3) Karen's favorite phrase - "Marriage is for quitters!" What did I quit? Wondering what disease that guy might have - who will buy me jewelry - if he'll remember my name in the morning - if someone will ever love me? Worrying that he might break-up with me for having a difference of opinion - that I might have to spend Thanksgiving alone - that it might be too late to have children - that all the good ones are taken? If that's what I quit, then you got it - I tapped out long ago.

Get married you losers. I can hear your ovaries shriveling up over the sound of my iPod.

- lada, always the bride, never the bridesmaid