Battle Wounds

Remember those girls from the car wreck a couple months ago who were misidentified?

This list of features* should make me easy to distinguish from imposters (in the rare case you don't recognize me by my grumpiness and/or my ingenious wit):

Neck - April, 1981 - Birthmark that was later nicknamed my "Hickey from God" by a nine-year-old Ryan Saling.

Forehead (stitches) - 1984 - I was playing "Jan of the Jungle" (great cartoon) and tried to dive under the coffee table, but missed and instead dove straight into it, slicing my head open.

Forehead - 1986 - chicken pox

Nose (stitches) - 1991 - Dog bite. I cannot remember the poor dog's name; he was put down.

Right inside thigh (stitches and drain tube) - Summer, 1993 - A weird piece of bone had begun growing off my femur - super! Then cartilage formed on the end of the offshoot of bone to protect the muscles, which gave the entire oddity a shape similar to a stalk of broccoli. They cut it out and I was ticked off that I never got to see it. I would have saved it in a jar on my dresser next to my jewelry boxes.

Left wrist - 2000 - Karen's nails and I weren't getting along that evening because I was drunk.

Right ankle - August, 2001 - Radiohead tattoo I broke down and got the day after I met Thom Yorke. Still an awesome night; still a great tattoo, I just wish it weren't on my ankle

Right upper calf - 2002 - It seemed like a good idea to sit while ironing my shirt on the floor, until I put the iron down on my leg.

Right bicep - 2003 - I was taking my meatloaf out of the oven and somehow in the bending of my arms, touched the (hot, hot, hot!) pan to my arm. This one has faded pretty well by now, but was still easily viewable during the wedding and subsequent photos. At least I didn't drop the meatloaf.

Left forearm - January 1st, 2006 - Another iron burn. . .

Left bicep - June, 2006 - Attack of the killer sister. This was after we went to a Cub's game that they lost. I place our aggressive mood at their feet.

- lada has outdated technology, poor fuel economy and tank-like roadholding, but has gained popularity thanks to her ruggedness, spacious interior, massive boot and low asking price

*Dates are estimated because I am not going to call my Mom at 7:15 AM to ask how old I was when I got the chicken pox.