Ill Communication

I am sick. Ug – getting sick in July is just stupendously crappy. And I have gotten one of those colds that make me feel like snot is coming out of practically every orifice of my body. My nose is so red and raw from blowing that I can only be happy if I am blowing my nose in the sink or in a hot and steamy shower and avoiding all contact with that rough paper. Ah water, nature’s softest tissue. Yeah, I know that is pretty gross, but I'm not going to try and sugarcoat mucus for you. (This is what the Kleenex box says: “Always within reach! Kleenex Tissue is always there when you need it, popping up in all sorts of places to help you though life’s little ups and downs.” Ha-ha, get it? Popping up! Yuk, Yuk.)
Now here is what happens when you get sick: people hear your nasally voice, hacking cough and fog-horn nose blowing and, although it seems pretty obvious, they ask if you are sick. Now ideally, the sick individual (in this case, me) would come back with some witty answer – unfortunately I think the boogers have slowed my usually ninja fast brain synapses, because I cannot seem to come up with anything clever to say. My best snotty response (pun intended) to the “are you sick?” question: “Only if you mean sick as in crazy, cool or insane!” However, this is obviously a retarded answer so I will not ever actually use it.
Another common occurance when you are ill is getting advice on how to cure yourself. Over the last few days I have heard:
1. Hot compress over the eyes
2. Take a Claritin-D
3. Head over a pot of boiling water
4. Avoid dairy products (they increase mucus production)
5. Smear some vasaline under the nose
6. Drink hot tea

And my favorite advice:

Not-a-doctor: You sound sick.
lada: Yeah, I have a cold
N.a.D.: Maybe you should go to the doctor.
lada: Eh, what are they going to do? I’ll get over it eventually.
N.a.D.: Well, they can give you some medication.
lada: (Seeing where this is going but having to ask anyway) What is a doctor going to do?
N.a.D.: I don’t know. I’m sure they have something to get rid of a regular cold.
lada: Something for the common cold?
N.a.D.: Some antibiotics or something.
lada: Yeah, but it is a virus so I don’t know how effective. . .
N.a.D.: (Backing away) Ew! You have a virus! Stay away from me, I don’t want to catch what you’ve got.
lada: Er. . .
N.a.D.: You shouldn’t be working! Go home and go to the doctor.
lada: Okay.*

Quote of the day – Reese’s advertisement: “They say sex is better than chocolate, but what about chocolate AND peanut butter?”

- lada is not a significant source of calories or vitamin C

*In case you are confused about why this conversation was amusing to me, I will elaborate. Antibiotics are used to treat illnesses caused by bacteria (e.g., syphilis, the plague) but are fairly useless against illnesses caused by viruses (e.g., a cold, H.I.V.). I thought it was widely known there is no cure for the common cold and I used to find it humorous that she didn’t know this, but since mentioning H.I.V., things don’t seem quite as funny as they did at the time. Um. Well, Dr. Heather promised she will work on a cure for the cold, but in the mean time, prevention is the key. Wash you hands and wear a condom.