The beauty of a work trip to Mexico is that you get to go to Mexico for free. And since the company was paying for everything (except for sushi and drinks after 11:00 PM), Russ and I justified splurging a bit on some touristy type of stuff that we would normally pass on – we swam with the dolphins.
If you are like me, you have this lovely image of dolphins in your mind. They are smart and graceful, sleek, gentle, and downright magical. I believed these things until I got into the water with four of them and realized they are 750 pounds of pure muscle and sharp teeth. They are hard and rubbery – think the bat suit without the Val Kilmer nipples. (Dolphins have nipples, they are just tucked inside the body until a baby tongues them, then they pop out - this way they stay streamline. Same goes for the penis except I don’t believe any tonguing is required to pop it out.) The dolphin’s skin is very smooth as you would expect, and it stays this way because they shed it all every couple of hours. This means that when you pet it, your hand comes away covered in pieces of this weird rubbery grey skin. Not so magical.
And the teeth! The giant mouth full of all these sharp evil looking teeth right up in your face. And they bite each other all the time. You can see that all of them are covered in scars where they have mauled each other. The one that we spent the most time with (dolphin Tina) actually had a bloody gash on her side where another mother had snapped at her. So you spend $120 to pet the dolphins, and you get a handful of skin and blood in return.
Legend says that if you rub a dolphin’s belly button, it will bring you five years good luck. My advice to you, dear readers - when the dolphin rolls onto her back so that you may rub her lucky belly button, be sure to rub the actual belly button and not go anywhere near the other thing a few inches further down that is oozing a greenish substance that smells a bit fishy. And when that green ooze begins to break up and float towards you in a hundred, unavoidable pieces, just pretend like you are at the spa mud bath. Basically, if you have read this book and weren’t sure if it was fiction, I can promise you that it does apply to dolphins.
101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #7:
Do be a part of a threesome. (I'm not sure about this one...)
Don't use premium gas when regular is appropriate.
- a lada in the hand is worth two in the bush
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7 comments:
Dolphins are evil. They are guilty of infanticide, porpoise genocide, and gang rape. They have also been known to lure human swimmers out into the riptide under the pretext of play, only to watch and laugh as they panic and drown.
Did you know it was the Year of the Dolphin?
According to whom? The Chinese don't use the dolphin, do they?
Some conservation society or something...saw a blurb online somewhere. I assumed you were riffing your title off of it.
No, I ripped if from that horrid 1970's movie about the dolphin that could talk (in that grating, high pitched voice)...
"The Day of the Dolphin"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069946/
i think threesomes involve too many limbs. then it just becomes a tangly mess of arms and legs.
not to mentions the tangly mess of emotions.
no thanks.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
D
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