Dad In Real Life

To: lada
From: Dad
Subject: Updated Application

Hi daughter,
Since sooner or later you will be back in the dating game, I wanted to get you the current application. I am not as fast as I used to be, so make sure they submitt the app. at least a week ahead of time. I am not as fast as I used to be, so 50 words means 50 words. Finally, I am not as fast as I used to be, so I have decided to skip the baseball bat and go directly to firearms.
All My Love,
Daddy

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________ _________ _________ DATE OF BIRTH_______ ______

HEIGHT______ _____ WEIGHT______ ______ IQ__________ GPA_________ ____

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ ______ DRIVERS LICENSE #___________ _____

MILITARY RANK AND MEDALS______ _________ ________ _________

HOME ADDRESS_____ _________ _________ CITY/STATE__ _________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

Number of years they have been married ____________ _________ _________

If less than your age, explain
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

How often you attend ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ____________ _

Mother? ____________ _

Pastor? ____________ _


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________ _________ ______

_ ___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________ ______

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Mother's Signature/Father's Signature

____________ _________ _________ _ ____________ _________ _________ __
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

101 Things to do (or don't) before you die - #35:
Do play a part in your favorite TV show.
Don't buy fake wood furniture.

- lada is running like a watercolor in the rain