Why Are We So Stubborn?

I try to entertain. I generally try to write amusing or witty or moving things that you will want to read. But, sometimes I write for myself because something will get into my head and whirl around and around and I just can’t sleep until I puke it out (à la 6/26/06). This post is that - all purge - a full blown hurricane of a rant – so feel free to skip it.

It started small, a thirty second commercial that I couldn’t forget. I think it was for Wal-Mart; I don’t remember all the specifics so I will give you the gist. It is a back to school commercial that shows clips of different children and their parents listing various uses for the children's new computers. The child says, “videogames” and then it cuts to the parent who says, “homework.” It continues like this, back-and-forth, email vs. research, chat rooms vs. spell check, until one kid says he spends a lot of time composing his own music on his laptop. It then cuts to his mother who says, in a snotty sarcastic voice, “Well, what he calls music.” Wow, that was way harsh. So let me get this straight, your 12-year-old son is putting his time and heart into a healthy, math-driven, creative outlet and you are going to call his efforts crap? Would you rather he was stealing cigarettes, knocking-up his girlfriend and joining a gang? Of course not, no make-believe TV mom in her right mind would want that, but does she think about that before she bashes his music? Even if she is right and his music sucks, does she consider that her insult might hurt his feeling and make him resent her? No, she just has an all-too-important opinion and since we are all so freaking self-centered, we think other people need to hear our opinions no matter the hurt it may cause or the damage it may do.

For example:

• The confederate flag - Group A calls it a symbol of pride, a tribute to the men who died fighting for their ideals. Group B sees it as a flag that glorifies slavery and segregation. They are, of course, both right in their own ways. Now, when in the presence of this flag, Group B feels hurt, oppressed, angry, violated, frightened and degraded. When Group A is in this flag’s presence, they feel pride. Does one man’s pride justify another man’s pain? Of course not, duh. Group A is able to demonstrate their pride in many other ways and removing this flag cannot cause Group A anywhere near the same level of hurt and pain as flying the flag causes Group B. So in an effort to avoid arguments and confrontation, to be polite and decent, to show consideration for others' feelings (even if you don’t agree or understand them), the majority of America has taken down the flag. Most of us would agree that it is just common courtesy to strangers.

But if we think it is right and good to be this understanding of strangers’ feelings, why can we not seem to extend the same courtesy to our friends and loved ones? These are some examples that are (very, very loosely) based on my own life:

• If I curse in front of your children, or my friend’s grandmother, or the checkout lady at the grocery store, if Faith asks me not to use the lord’s name in vain in front of her, I can tell them that I don’t give a damn - that I think a word is just a word and this is the way I talk, so they should get over it. I could ignore the request, but the discomfort it gives them is so much bigger than the effort it takes for me to say “oh, jeez” instead of “fucking christ.” And in doing so, we can continue to carry on our lovely conversation without anyone being irritated.


• If Heather decides to marry a complete tool, I can choose to be mean to him. I can tell her that he is a loser and he will cheat and refuse to accept him as the man of her dreams. Or I can realize that whom she marries impacts her life so much more than mine, and then support her in her decision. I may never like the guy, but maintaining my relationship with my very best friend is worth dealing with a jerk occasionally.


• If Russ thinks I am wearing a shirt that shows too much cleavage and he asks me to change, I can say no. I can tell him he is wrong, that he can’t control me and he should love me and my clothes the way we are. This would show him that I don’t value his opinion which will hurt his feelings and make him angry. Or, I can change into one of the hundreds of other (dazzling) outfits I own and then he is grateful, and happy. And I, in turn, am happy because he tells me I look hot instead of whorish.

In summary, open your eyes people. Quit being stubborn and realize that other people have feelings too. You may not agree with them or understand why they feel them, but know that they are there and nobody can control what they feel. So, take them into account next time. Weigh what you are giving up (a filthy vocabulary, cleavage, a nylon flag, a lousy opinion) with the potential harm it may cause to an important relationship.

Quote of the day (to lighten the mode) - Rita Rudner: "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

- lada feeds the birds, tuppence a bag